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Dear Breakup Girl,

The first girl I ever fell in love with was my high school sweetheart. We were friends at first and became stronger friends the longer we got to know each other. We eventually lost our virginity together and occasionally spoke of marriage. Then we went to different colleges. The separation hurt our relationship, to say the least. To fill the emptiness in our lives, she turned to pot, and I turned to drinking. We created our own happiness to replace the other. It was immature and stupid, I know, but at the time, it seemed like the only thing to make the pain go away.

It took probably two or three years to get over her. We were able to remain friends, but it always pained me to see her because she was throwing her life away (lovelife, that is) and it reminded me that I was, too. I didn't even try to date during those years, telling myself that I was too busy concentrating on graduating and getting a good job. I figured if I could do that, then I could meet another girl just like she was when we were dating. Then we'd fall in love and get married and live happily ever after. Right.

I admit it: I am a dreamer. I picture this imaginary girlfriend and I never having a disagreement; it's just bliss to be around each other. I am 28 now and tend to place the women I choose to date on a pedestal as a result. If I'm not infatuated with the lady, then I don't continue to date her. It is obvious, I think, that I am looking for a life partner, not just a good time. It's amazing to me how many women turn out to be more frightened of a guy like me than with a one-night stand type, but I see it all the time. Most of them seem to want someone mysterious, someone who doesn't reveal everything about himself all at once. I'm not a 90s guy. I WANT to be codependent. To me, that seems to be what marriage is all about. I WANT to find a woman who completes me. At the same time, all I see around me are 90s women who are not interested in "half a man". Does that make sense?

All of that aside, I fell in love with a coworker about a year and a half ago. It built steadily from friendship to my being head-over-heels for her. Sadly, she was engaged at the time. She knew how I felt about her, but we manage to spend as much as eight hours a day with each other and still be happy. We lived that way for over a year before the stress got to me. The more I got to know her, the stronger I was attracted to her. It got to the point where I finally had to stop seeing her outside of the office and during work; I would have to keep my distance. Even though I told her why I had to do this, she still resented it and ended up quitting her job in a huff. A mutual friend said it was because I was no longer wrapped around her finger, but I would hate to think she's capable of something that base. To this day, we've never kissed, even though we had some close calls.

I tried calling and writing her every day after that, but she never replied. We did not speak for six months; it was her decision, and I tried to respect that as much as it hurt me. Around Christmas, I wrote to her and wished her well. That's when we started talking again. I find out that she broke up with her fiancé a week or two after quitting her job. Part of me suspects that whatever problems they were having caused her to make such a stink in our own friendship. And just as I had predicted while we were still friends, she went back through her old boyfriends to try and comfort herself about losing her fiancé (and maybe me). None turned out well.

Now she's back in my life but seems like a completely different girl than the one I knew. She prepared me for this, saying she had been heartbroken and dragged through the mud. (I forgot to mention that she is 21.) While it used to be the case that she wouldn't even speak to me if I called her in a drunken stupor (and haven't all lovelorn done the same?), she gets drunk every night to try to forget her troubles and pass out to peaceful slumber. I don't know whether to allow her back into my life now or not. Am I just another one of her "fall back" guys? Since I was obviously wrapped around her finger, will she take advantage of that? Would I be a bad friend if I didn't try to help her? Where once was a strong-willed, independent, generous, and moral young lady, there is now a jaded, rude, brash girl. She says she wants to be friends, but at the same time, she does not want me to help her out of the mess she's in. I don't want to see her like that. It tarnishes the image of who she was and who she will (hopefully) be again. How can I be her friend after what she put me through (which she still hasn't apologized for and doesn't believe she should)? How can I not be her friend considering how much I love her and was in love with her?

--Steven

Dear Steven,

I don’t set too much store by certain jargon to begin with, but just for the record, I think you mean not "co-dependent," but "interdependent." That is, not playing into each other’s issues and neurotic needs, but rather … playing two complete songs that sound even better together.

More to the point, I don’t know, even if you hum a few bars, that we’ll be hearing that duet with you and this gal. Though, granted, not all relationships start simply and wholesomely, this one was dicey from the get go. And I’m not sure what kind of two-way friendship you’d be looking at now. At this point, you don’t really even, um, like her. Yes, she needs help – with the drinking problem, for starters – but I’m not convinced you’re the one to give it to her. I’d rather see you try to break this cycle of romance as chaste, difficult drama, of fantasy without foundation, of falling in "love" before you’ve even stolen a kiss.

If we’re gonna repeat something, at least – well, am I the only one with the tune of the high school sweetheart still stuck in my head?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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