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Dear Breakup Girl,

Here's the situation: we're both attractive, successful, professional, in our 40s, and never married (except for a brief doesn't-really-count marriage on my part years ago) which, to me, indicates more than a touch of commitmentphobia on both parts. Three months ago, we met at a function at a university club of which we both members. Eyes locked, so much in common, you-seem-perfect, whirlwind romance, the whole works.

Three weeks ago, just as we were about to go away on our first weekend trip, we had a fight precipitated by me over a trivial matter (probably because subconsciously I was getting a feeling of in-way-too-deep-way-too-fast). The next thing I know, all my stuff is left in a duffel bag with the doorman of my building along with a curt note about how "we both knew" we weren't right for each other, all the best, etc. Lots of tears, lots of therapy sessions (for me).

We have now exchanged letters, with both of us ending up rather surprised at how bad our communication must have been; neither of us was reading the other very well. We chatted for two hours online last night in the same funny/sexy/silly way we used to before things got all bollixed up. (I should mention that I had insomnia the during our relationship, which is not uncommon for me in new relationships. It takes a long time for me to trust enough to relax. His interpretation was that this obviously meant our relationship was bad for me.) We will be meeting again soon for a drink, to talk things out, etc.

I think what I would like is to TIPTOE back into the relationship -- no more diving in headfirst -- and spend at least a month or two in the friendship/trust-building/comfort-building stage we skipped right over on the mad dash to passion last time. So now what? Any advice on how to handle this? I do not want my heart handed back to me in little pieces again, especially as I was just getting over the first time. (I have, in fact, gone out on a couple of dates with other people and resumed some of the activities -- church, for example-- that I neglected when Ex and I were together.)

-- Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

Honestly, if I were you, I’d TIPTOE back into the relationship – no more diving in headfirst – and spend at least a month or two in the friendship/trust-building/comfort-building stage you skipped over on the mad dash to passion last time. Please don’t take this as a curt note.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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