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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am engaged to the perfect guy for me. He's everything I always hoped I would get in a guy, and a lot of things I didn't even know I wanted but deeply love. I love the way his eyes get little crow's feet out to the sides when he smiles because it reminds me of my dad. I love his goofy smile, his sandy blond hair, his sparkling blue eyes, the way he always does and says the right thing, and how he can admit he's wrong and always gently points out when I'm wrong as well. He takes care of me when I'm sick, calls me his "cute little girl," and makes me feel like a very treasured and cherished person.

Neither one of us were virgins when we began this relationship. He is the third person I had been with, and I was his sixth. In the past, this would have bothered me because I used to have a jealousy thing, but we sat down and talked about how much we both regretted everyone we'd been with before each other and how they were all mistakes and how we wished we had waited for each other. But we were young and stupid in the past, and I thought I was in love with these people. He really didn't think he was in love with these people; he only casually dated them. I don't know why he did it; I guess guys are different, but I know he regrets it and doesn't like to discuss it after we talked about it that one time because he admits he is sort of ashamed.

I had moved past all this, despite the fact that the last girl he had been with before me (a year and a half before we even met), comes into the restaurant where we work and treats me very badly out of her jealousy. He ignores her and has made it clear he doesn't want anything to do with her. If she tries to talk to him, he goes on and on about how we are going to get married in order to change the subject with her. So I feel confident in our relationship and know that he is serious.

The problem is this: I can't help thinking sometimes about his being with other girls in the past, and I feel sort of sick to my stomach. I start trying to figure out who these other four people were. (The rude girl who comes into work was one of them, and I am also on of the six obviously.) I start second guessing all his female friends as to whether they were once "more than friends." One of his friends from high school has started work at the restaurant where we work. She showed up one day and ran into Steve and said hi. They hadn't seen each other in a while. He came over to me at my table and asked if I was busy. I said no, and he said, "I really want this person to meet you." I said hi, and she was really nice. They had gone to prom together about four years ago as friends because neither had had a date at the time and, even though he's told me he didn't had sex 'til the beginning of his first year of college (he's 23 now), I really didn't want her to get the job because I just didn't want him paying attention to any other girl at work besides me. Now I'm over it though.

I may even be taking another job somewhere else for more money. (I make less than he does at the restaurant because he is in a higher position.) We need the extra money for our apartment, and I am starting not to be able to handle the stress of my present job and have suffered many on-the-job injuries. I'm comfortable not working with him because I trust him with the girls at work including the friend who got hired because I have realized she is just a friend. (He had a small crush on her five years ago.) And my jealousy thing is really subsiding because I have done a lot of soul-searching as to why I feel this way, and I have fixed myself for the most part.

Getting our apartment and getting the ring on my finger and all the sweet little things he does for me everyday show me that I am the one he loves; I'm the special forever and ever, happily ever after, 'til-death-do-you-part gal he wants to spend the rest of his life with. And he knows how much I care about him. I love him so deeply I can't imagine how I ever got along without him before. He's my best friend, my confidant, and the perfect husband I always wished for. I know there are no underlying issues in our relationship that are making this little issue seem as big as it is. Nothing about the way he acts or how I feel about him makes me insecure.

I know I'm being unfair. I have had sex with people before him, and he doesn't let it bother him, so why is it bothering me? Why am I letting the thought of him with other people plague my thoughts? I've gotten better over the last two months, but occasionally when we are packing things up, I'll see pictures of girls shoved in an old shoe box and he'll say, "I'm going to throw these away. I don't even know where these people are anymore, and I don't care." And I wonder, was that the face of one of those girls? He tells me none of them were attractive and that I'm the thinnest girl he's been with and that I am everything he ever wanted physically, mentally, and emotionally and that he loves me more than anything. I discovered one of the four Mystery Girls (as I think of them), and it's the fiancée of one his old friends . He doesn't hang out with that friend anymore (not because of her or anything); she cheated on him for his friend, and he let it go because he didn't even like her that much and they weren't serious. But I see her sometimes at her work, and it bothers me because she's so nonchalant to him about it and to me like she doesn't even care which I guess is better than her wanting him back like the other girl but ... it's so weird!

I know he was different in the past; he admits he was childish, and he is one of the most mature guys I know now. Am I bothered because he once was so casual about sex? Am I feeling insecure? I really don't think so because I know I'm more attractive than these other girls (even though I've never thought I was too much to look at), so what is wrong with me? I am normally so good at sorting things out, and I thought I had, but I think I was just repressing these feelings. I don't want to bring them up to my fiancé because he gets sort of defensive and says things like, "I wish I had waited. I was young and immature and I'm sorry. I wish I could change it but I can't!" Like I said, he's truly ashamed. And he seems uncomfortable when I'm around either of the two aforementioned girls as well.

BG, how do I get over this? We are getting married in six months, and we've already made our wedding invitation-only not only because the church is small and we want to fit family and close friends in before the general public, but also because we don't want our ex-sex partners showing up and causing either one of us distress or discomfort on a day that is for us and so special. I think he handles it much better than I do. I want to put all the thoughts about him and other girls out of my head. I love this man.

I'm fully ready to realize that the problem is with me; in fact, I know it is. I just need help on how to change my view. My maid of honor (my best friend of many years) and her boyfriend have only ever slept with each other, and she doesn't know what to tell me. You're my only hope.

--Double Standard

Dear Double Standard,

Oh, sweetie. As I've said above and before, we all get slightly, reflexively -- and ideally, privately -- nuts about His & Hers Pasts. Our average pretty secure person is (barring actual suspicion of something rotten) able to file those thoughts away under S for Silly Me. You, however, have allowed them to bust through your superego and become Real, like some green-eyed Velveteen Rabbit from hell. Why? Because that superego -- the Freudian thingie that filters and tames our impulses so that we can function appropriately and effectively in society -- is built, in part, of [overused word I hate to overuse] self-esteem. If you're at the point where someone has to remind you that you're the "thinnest girl he's been with," then your impulse filter is not so thick.

Listen: the rules of Reality above are talking to you. Co-ed world. Co-ed work (for people other than Lessa, the question of "being comfortable not working with" a partner is a complete non-issue). Other people pre-dated, as it were, and were pre-dated by, you. It is outlandishly unrealistic to expect -- or even ruefully wish -- otherwise unless both of you were raised in a culture where (or made the personal commitment that) your first date is your first -- and only -- everything.

And you can't shut off your relationship from others -- past or present -- like the church on your wedding day. Not only is it awkward and impossible, but it's also (worst case scenario) akin to the liquor cabinet whose off-limits status makes it most teen-tempting of all.

Not that logic will help that much. You can no more just put these thoughts out of your head than you can erase your pasts. Not that you should, anyway. As I told Petty, Trying Not To Be Jealous is about as effective as Not Thinking of a Pink Elephant. At very least, try to accept and live with your jealousy as a dead-end short-circuit impulse, one that flashes and fades rather than sending you on scavenger hunts for Mystery Girls. And try to quit bugging him about it; there's really nothing he can, like, do. Instead, how about about noticing – and your letter is already eloquent in this regard – what already is great about this relationship? How come you guys rock as a couple – and (trickier) what about each of your pasts and histories and mistakes and memories actually enriches what you have now?

And even more meta, we need to find a way to do that slippery thing called "work on your self-esteem" (not to mention this injury-causing stress! Be careful!). A pro might help with all of that. So might a job that offers you not only more money, but also more of what you love and crave. You know, I really want you guys to be able to enjoy your present and the future you have together. Follow your heart, fill your time and your mind, and soon, I hope, you'll believe that – pink elephants and green rabbits aside – he only has blue eyes for you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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