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Dear Breakup Girl,

So, I've met someone who, while not a porch candidate, is certainly intriguing. Our attraction was not instant; it had been building over the months until I finally told him how I felt. My admission was inspired by a carefree, "Why the hell not?" attitude, which slowly dissipated by an ensuing talk that lasted well into the evening. He did express a similar interest but has some reservations. I think he might be a little gun shy. And it's odd; usually I'm the shy one. Anyway, we haven't even gone out and already we've hashed out the pros and cons about what we could stand to lose or gain from dating.

And that's yet another bothersome aspect. Ask me point-blank if I can see us dating, and I'll say, "Sure!" Ask if I see the two of us as a couple, and I'll laugh. He's funny, smart, gets cuter every day (much to my frustration), and the vibe between us is so easy and assured. But it's not the kind of hungry impulsiveness that I instantly fell into with my ex. Don't get me wrong, I have little McBealian fantasies that make me laugh and smile, but for the most part, I'd love just to spend some time with him as opposed to Make Time for him.

Finally, I've been telling him a lot about my dating past, and, likewise, he's shared stories. (Hey! He started it!) But now he's telling me about people who flirt with him. That's slightly different from my talk about exes -- the ones that are gone and the ones that hang on. (There are a few.) Now the more flirt reports I hear, the more confused I get: is he trying to make me jealous or is he getting "back at me" for my confessions? I'm getting very close to the point of saying, "You know what? I don't want to hear it" while I watch the relationship possibility dwindle from there. 'Course I would kick myself for doing that, because I already look at him like I've missed my chance. Anyway, why do you think he's giving me the "flirt report"? Does that sound slightly intimidating to you? Is he trying to scare me off OR pressure me into realizing how apparently attractive he is OR is he so dumbfounded by women that he doesn't see how weird it is to share this info with me? The fact that he has asked me out on a date just confuses things even more.

--Confused Confessor

Dear Confused Confessor,

Mentionitis. That's what Bridget & Co. would say. "You know, when someone's name keeps coming up all the time, when it's not strictly relevant: 'Rebecca says this' or ' Rebecca's got a car like that.'" It's a little bread crumb trail of hints that someone has been thinking about or talking to someone else -- or elses -- more than you'd realized. Either that, or hints that you're thinking a little too much about whether someone's thinking about someone else; you hear more than what's there.

As far as why this guy seems to be afflicted, you've already hazarded most of the guesses that I would have. The fact that he asked you out, though, also makes me suspect one other option: that Mentionitis might also be -- in his own awkward, ill-advised way -- a form of flirting with you. It's sort of "talking about past relationships" -- a documented ante-upping flirting manoeuver -- in the present. It's a way of presenting yourself as a documented sexual/attractive being, all in the safe space of someone else's words. Just another possibility.

So go on the date; see what happens. You're perfectly welcome to pipe up if his Mentionitis flares up. But heck, use it to your advantage. Don't berate; re-flirt. As in, "So, do you go around telling other gals that I'm flirting with you?" That kind of thing. Why the hell not?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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