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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with my boyfriend for five years, and he still isn't ready for any kind of deep commitment. He is afraid I will invade his space. I sometimes wonder if he is cheating on me; signs include unplugging the phone when I stay over, a phone number found on napkin in car, and an e-mail including a girl indicating she wants to jump into his arms. What am I to do? I love him, but am I being a fool?

--Angela

Dear Angela,

Signs boyfriend is shady: 3. Signs that possibly shady behavior may be somewhat beside the point: 1. To wit: years spent on edge of his "space:" 5.

Arguably, Angela, five years already is a "deep commitment." So are you talking about getting married? … Or just knowing where you stand? Anything's fine, but after five years, you do deserve at least the latter. You deserve to have a boyfriend whose behavior doesn't trip the "is he cheating?" wires (not to mention the snooping trigger?). You deserve to feel -- all with-the-territory willies and cold feet aside -- that you're in a relationship where most space is shared. And you deserve to have a natural sense of security guide you as to whether you're there or not.

So I'd say it's time not to confront with wisps of napkin or ends of phone cord; it's time to confront your own standards for security and devotion … and then to tell him -- at the level of deal-breaker -- what you will require from this relationship (including no cheating) if it is to continue. Plastery promises don't count. Number of relationships you should stay in that make you feel like a fool: 0.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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