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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

Just over a year ago, I met a wonderful, fantastic guy who was seemed perfect for me. Our relationship was great; we wanted the same things and got along brilliantly. Three months into the relationship, he popped the question, and we set the wedding date for a year later. I should mention that I am 27 and he is 21, but this had never been a problem for us.

About nine months into our relationship, there was a sudden change. Whereas for the first nine months of our relationship he was happy just to spend time alone with me, he suddenly needed his friends with him everywhere. I enjoyed their company as well, occasionally, but sometimes I just wanted time alone with my fiance. Even when we planned weekends away, he would suggest that we bring a couple of his friends along. This would not have bothered me so much if these friends had girlfriends, but they didn't and therefore, when the friends came along, it turned into a "boys' weekend," and I felt like the odd one out. I know one solution to this would have been for me to invite some of my own girlfriends along, but most are married with kids, so not really an option. I tried on many occasions to explain that I don't mind his friends being around sometimes, just not all the time, with everything we do. He takes this to mean that I'm trying to keep him away from his friends.

Furthermore, he seemed to lose interest in doing anything with me that didn't involve drinking. (It got to the point where I asked if he might have a drinking problem, which was not met with a good response.)

Things came to a head in December when I found out that he had lied to me about something (not a major lie, but still a lie). I did not make a big issue out of the lie; I merely pointed out that I knew that he had lied to me. Anyway, as usual, he erupted, accused me of calling him a liar, and his mother got involved by ringing me up and saying, "How dare you question anything he does?" The end result was that the engagement was called off (by him -- no doubt with a little help from his advice-offering mother).

Two weeks later, he rang and suggested a postponement instead. But my attitude was that if we weren't going to get married as scheduled, then I didn't want to set a date for a year later only to have him change his mind again. So I told him that I wanted to go away overseas for a couple of months (something I had been thinking about doing just before I met him but never got the chance) and think about whether I was willing to risk another letdown.

He was not happy with the idea of my going away alone (feared I would forget about him) and, after much thought, said he wanted to go ahead with the wedding. I know that warning bells should have been ringing, and they probably were, but I chose to ignore them because I loved him and wanted to marry him more than anything, despite all our problems.

Come January, we moved in together. I stupidly believed that things would be better once we were living together. From day one, he treats the place like a bachelor pad. Friends are constantly around drinking beer until 3 AM; he lives like a pig and doesn't lift a finger to clean up. I have tried not to say a lot about it, but cannot help myself when I come home from work and there are ten people (whom I have never met) sitting in my house. I don't get an introduction to any of them, and they all just look at me as if to say, "Who the hell are you?" When an argument blows up about the incident, he tells me that it wasn't his fault because he didn't know the people either; one of his friends had brought them around. I ask him to ask his friend not to bring anyone around unless asking us first. He never did this. Furthermore, he is constantly in a bad mood. I ask him what is wrong, and he simply replies, "Nothing."

This past Sunday (only two weeks into the lease), crunch time came. A friend of his shows up at the door, and my fiance tells me that he's going out with this friend for an hour and will be home after that. Four hours later, he arrives home with another friend. They both mutter hello, walk straight past me into the kitchen, load a bag up with beer, and, as they are walking out the door, my ever-true fiancé says over his shoulder, "I'm going to watch the cricket."

I'm done with the lack of respect he is showing me and decide that the wedding has to be called off. He comes home at 11 PM (with a friend in tow). I calmly ask my fiancé to ask his friend to go home so that we can have a talk. Fiancé asks if he can borrow my car (doesn't have his own) so he can drive him home. I agree, expecting him back in 15 minutes as this guy only lives around the block. An hour and a half later, I call fiancé on his mobile to find out where he is. There is no answer so I leave a message, asking him to bring my car home. Five minutes later, he shows up, walks straight past me, goes into the bedroom, and starts changing his clothes to go out." I follow him in, and an almighty argument begins. He tells me that he can see I'm being a bitch again. That I'm the problem in this relationship, etc. I tell him the wedding is off and that I am leaving that night. He says "fine" and storms out. I pack my things up and go home to mummy and daddy.

I am just so confused. Do you think I am in the wrong with the friends issue? Or do you think he is behaving like this to try and get me to call off the wedding? As I said earlier, things started to go bad in about September. I have thought back to what was happening around that time, and all I can come up with is that he started a new job at that time. As this new job was not close to public transport and he did not own a car, I offered him the use of my car, as I had always caught public transport to work. He accepted this offer but said, on many occasions, that he did not like having to "rely" on me. Do you think this may have been the cause of his change in attitude towards me?

I have not heard from him since the breakup and do not expect to, as he's very stubborn. I don't want the relationship back, but I do want some insight into what may have gone wrong here because it seemed to be perfect for the first nine months and be a nightmare for the past four. Your insight would be much appreciated.

--Confused

Dear Confused,

Oh, dear. Yeah, that is not what I meant by friends coming first. In fact, I think what you've got here is the maximum-scale version of "bringing a friend on a date" -- which, in dating Esperanto, means "I'm not interested." In this case, however, it's actually more like "I'm not ready." I don't think it was the car thing, Confused. I also don't think he didn't care for you. It's more like, "love her; not ready, period."

In other words, seems that only after your whirlwindy courtship did he give his feelings the rest of that nine months to, um, gestate. And that after that he was just doing his -- really bad -- "I love you but I'm not ready" best. (Plus trying prove to himself the unprovable and impossible: "I can be in a committed live-in forever-style relationship and still have my old life with my mates and sports exactly as it's always been, only even better on account of now there's someone to pick up the Foster's cans.")

So now? Try not to preemptive-strikingly seek out guys who have no guy friends (also a bad sign, and not necessarily a "gay" one), try to be glad that no matter what, you did have those "perfect" times—and, of course, that you guys didn't go ahead with the wedding. Your honeymoon suite would have been awfully crowded.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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