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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating someone steadily for four months. We have spent a lot of time together (almost all of our free time recently), and he treats me like he loves me (but has never said so and neither have I). However, when he gets stressed at work, he does not want to see me that night; he just wants to go home and be by himself. He says that seeing me would make him more stressed, but this is happening more and more. When I get upset about it because I want to spend time with him (and I am offended that he thinks I am the source of more stress), he says I am badgering him and adding to his stress. It especially hurts because, in the last month, we have spent all of our free time together, and now he is pulling back.

How can I get him to understand that I just want to spend time with him and help him relieve stress, not make more for him? Why is he annoyed that I want to be with him? Why isn't he flattered that I want to be with him? Why doesn't he want to be with me like he used to when nothing has changed between us? How can I get him to give me a chance to show him that I am going to help him get over his stress and not cause more? Help!

--Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Oh, I so know that all you want is to hear, "Darling, I was so stressed out ... until I saw you! I am so touched that you want to help me ease my transition from a crappy day at work to a delightful evening ... with you! Thank you. You are the wind beneath my wings."

Instead: He says that seeing you would make him more stressed; you get offended / upset (understandably) and say (as he hears it) "BUT IF YOU'D JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE I COULD SHOW YOU THAT I COULD ACTUALLY HELP YOU RELIEVE STRESS COME ON WHY NOT COME ON COME ON." Result: Total stress spiral.

So the conversation you need to have -- preferably on a weekend -- is not "Do you want to see me tonight?" but rather "Do you want to see me, period?" He is more than allowed to have moods, phases, tough periods at work -- and to deal with them on his own, if that's his thing. But he is not allowed to do a telecommuter freakout/breakup, if that's his secret plan; if you can't badger, then he can't be the not-so-artful dodger. (Also, hate to say it, but make sure he's not, um, badgering someone else on the nights he vants to be alone.)

Even if he insists that he's not trying to slip out the back, you'll still have to work this out up front. "Okay, honey, so what can we do to avoid this spiral?" Have a code word for "not tonight, subject dropped" ... but whoever uses it is in charge of fun, sweet, weekend plans? I don't know. You'll have to hammer something out, which is all part of taking a relationship into its fifth month, you know? Relationship issues -- unlike certain cases of work stress -- are a two-person job.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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