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Dear Breakup Girl,

I re-met this guy from my childhood, and he is most excellent. It was like not a day had passed. He is truly the man that I have been looking for all of my life; he has all those qualities I had on my "Dream Guy" list. I never expected for anyone to have all the qualities, but it was something to shoot for anyway. He is The One! We have the makings of a great future together.

The problem, perhaps not a real problem, is that he has slept with all of two women (not including me), and I, on the other hand, have slept with some exponential factor of 2. In fairness, at the time of most of this activity, I had just gotten divorced and was just having a really good time, something that was sorely lacking in my marriage. My husband was fairly typical in his comments to me, jerk that he was -- "you're fat and ugly" ... "No one will ever love you" ... blah, blah, blah -- so I went out and proved to myself that he was wrong! Aside from my many conquests almost ten years ago, I have had a "normal" number of sexual partners that for the most part took place while I was in some kind of dating relationship. At the time that I re-met Mr. Right, I had been celibate for over two years, mostly because I was really busy and a) didn't have time to date and b) never met anyone worth the time and effort.

I do not, nor have I ever had, any STDs. I have been tested for HIV several times, and all is well. I was always a safe player. Additionally, when all of this occurred I was living in a semi-remote area and have no contact with anyone from that period in my life so it is highly unlikely that he would ever find out from anyone of my dalliances.

To tell or not to tell? That is the question.

--Reformed

Dear Reformed,

Not to. You have nothing to hide, but you have nothing to gain from adhering to what BG calls the Fool's Gold Standard of Full Disclosure. (Remember this IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM? Don't ask your partner more than you really want to know about his/her past. The answer will likely be: more than you really wanted to know.)

Slightly obvious harrumphy comment: you wouldn't have written to me if you were a guy. Not that every guy is all Spur Posse about his "number," but I dare say guys worry somewhat less about whether they've slept with more people than their girlfriends. (Of course, Riley was visibly intimidated/titillated to learn that Buffy's number -- of slain demons -- trumped his by a factor of, like, 666. But that's another story.)

Not to mention -- while we're making gender generalizations -- that women tend to feel like they have to justify, reason through or write a backstory to "explain" incidents or episodes of casual sex. You've done that, Reformed, and it's pretty convincing. So is the evidence that you're "safe." I can see why you might want to handle this Dream Guy with tender care, to dot all your Is and cross all your Ts and make sure nothing will get in your way. Well, you've done your best, and you've had a past -- nay, a life; now go make that future.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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