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SHOUTOUTS

To Neurotic Freak Girl from Optimist:

I was exactly where you are now six years ago when I was in college. I was dating a wonderful, sweet, sensitive, and attentive man; we had been together for over a year, but I hadn't heard those three little words. And yes, I'd bugged him about it because, well, it felt weird not to hear The Return. He explained that he wanted to make sure he "meant it" before he used such powerful language. To him, those words were extremely loaded, and he wasn't yet ready to fire. To me, I knew exactly what those words meant and was using them freely, and felt somewhat ... let down. But he was wonderful, etc. (see above) so I was patient ... and was rewarded. He finally said the words and even admitted that he'd said them to me before -- when I was sleeping. Awwwww!!! Naturally, I melted and decided it was every bit worth the wait. After all, I certainly didn't have to question whether he was saying he loved me too readily! Hopefully, your wait will be over soon, too. (In the interest of full disclosure, we broke up about six months later, but this particular conflict had nothing to do with it.)

And from NJ:

I am a guy in my mid 20s: First Time Writer, Long-Time Reader. Reading your column, I'm often amazed and appalled at the emotional rollers coaster that women (men too, but let's not forget your real audience) put themselves and their significant others through. I'm also intrigued by the war between the sexes and the lack of honest, healthy communication between us WITHOUT the use of insults and ultimatums.

I feel compelled to give a man's perspective on Neurotic Freak Girl's situation, and women's constant ultimatums on needing to hear "I love you" from a man not only in romantic relationships, but also as platonic friends, mothers, and distant relatives. It is, after all, just a word, and basically has its worth in the glorious meaning you attach to it. You often ignore the big picture of how a man treats you in the long run, and, more importantly, how we feel about it. As men, we are more concerned with deeds. We don't measure our relationship as much in what you profess, but what you do, and expect the same measurement overall. Many girls never take the time to think about all the efforts a good man puts forth in keeping a relationship going, only to have 'These Three Words' delivered as a benchmark, and how much frustration that causes. I've broached this topic with most men I've known, and they have shared the same outlook. We tend to discount the word's value in most situations, feeling it's often un-needed, and in many situations awkward. I care very much for most of my buds, and vice-versa. We know how we feel about each other, without needing to be mushy by saying so.

To answer your question about saying it to our women, while many are reluctant the first time, we may not fear saying it per se, as long as we don't feel commanded to. I've genuinely loved most of the girls I've been with, said "I love you," and enjoyed doing so. But we sure fear hearing it from a woman. The source of our angst is not in giving you the green light towards long-term commitment, but in feeling pressured. We feel you use it as a means of control, as a litmus test, and far too often (After every kiss, meeting and departure, phone conversation, etc. etc.) I still don't fully understand why it means so much. I've seen many a girl terminate good relationships, or stay in abusive ones, because of These Three Words. Every time I hear "I love you" from a girl, I feel pressured to respond, and with damned good reason. I've seen many women aroused to terrible insults, breaking of confidences, unfaithfulness, or even violence, if they don't hear it in return. To us, it can be the equivalent of "expecting the world in return for one dinner and a movie." As a result, we often refuse to say it when broached, or say it with the discounted value. We take no notice when you say it, and don't always mean it when we say it. If pressured we'll use it as a means to keep the peace or curry favors, sexual and otherwise.

I would encourage more women to look at the big picture, especially nonverbal behavior of the affectionate kind in Neurotic Freak Girl's case. Many a man, myself included, attaches more meaning in caressing a woman or holding her hand in public than in saying 'I love you,' or even having sex. Finally, I'd like to put some of N.F.G.'s fears to rest. I don't know all the details, but feel safe to infer that your guy loves and cares for you. But, by applying such vice-grip pressure, with self-centered motives, you were being anything but loving towards him. I also believe there are some real issues about your self-esteem if you constantly need to be reminded how much you are loved and cared for if he is making so many positive efforts to show you. Take some time to think about why this is such a big need, and talk it over with him, without ultimatums or multiple choices. Also, ask of his needs for a change, and see if he feels you're meeting them.

You can't always be thinking of yourself, you know, and it's unfortunate that men and women often learn more about how to understand and help each other when things are too far beyond repair. Good luck.

And BG, you seriously undermined the guy's response concerning work pressures. Like it or not, a man attaches extreme value to work. It says just not what we earn, but who we are and what we value. We're married to work before we meet women, and when you become our wives, work becomes our mistresses. Despite prosperous times, everyone is working harder, with less security, and a man's work fears are often only preceded by: (1) Fear of death/failing health, and (2) Fear of not living out our dreams. Our job provides our levels of income, freedom, power, status, and satisfaction of doing something worthwhile. Women also place a premium on our work, hence many a single girl's maxim: "No romance without finance."

BG responds: My "real audience?" Um, you're here. So are all the guys in my column every week -- and the haiku contest -- not to mention this very clear policy statement. Also, what "war?" (1) At least in terms of straight people, women date men and men date women; they often annoy each other when they do. This means "war?" Nope, that's life on a planet with two sexes. (2) If you reread my answer to NFG and the intro/other letters on that theme, you'll see -- assorted quibbles and taken-points aside -- that you and I don't fundamentally disagree. Not from a girl vs. guy standpoint, even. Not even about the work issue, though that's hardly -- other than traditionally -- a Man Thing. My work's clashed with / overshadowed my relationships before; heck, I'm inside writing this column on a gorgeous Sunday. Everyone: The only "war" here is the one we keep declaring. Thanks for writing, NJ.

To S& S from Cheryl:

Listen to Breakup Girl! She's right! This guy is some kind of warped, manipulative bonehead, and you don't need him in your life! I hate to say it, but you probably aren't the first woman to receive his "poor pitiful me" routine with the mentally disturbed wife, the divorce, the whole contrived drama. He's preying on you. Don't let him get under your skin. Let him go on his merry way. Right now, he sees you as some kind of fail-safe that he can rely on. Don't fall for it.

To My Own Prison from BG:

BG: enormous thanks for answering my letter regarding the cursing incident. Can you spare a quick clarification on your answer? When you said "'Sticks and Stones,' as it were, would be a definite dealbreaker." in the first sentence, do you mean "sticks and stones" in the physical violence sense ("...may break my bones") would be the dealbreaker? Or do you mean my words would be? I think you are saying that even what I said must be evaluated case-by-case?

BG responds: Sure. Bone-breaking=deal breaker; mudslinging: depends. Words can hurt worse than that old adage suggests, depending on the skin-thickness -- for better or for worse -- of who hears them. So maybe you made some poor and pungent word choices, but, even if calculated to hurt, you could never truly predict their impact. Nor can we say for sure that those words -- and those words only -- drove her to the word "Goodbye." Now will you quit beating yourself up?

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