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Dear Breakup Girl,

When I last contacted you, I was in a quasi-rebound relationship with cutie-boy whom I feared just wasn't as into me as I was into him. You gave me a mighty display of your superpowers, basically backing up my gut feeling that things weren't what they should be. Taking advantage of advice BG gave others in the same "Ultimatums" column, I decided to "Walk" most sincerely.

Well, it took three days, but the man came crawling back to me, telling me how sorry he was for holding back, for not being able to tell me I was the best thing in his life, that he was much more attached to me than even he had realized, and that he wanted to be closer.

BG, the boy is wonderful! We've met parents, swapped keys, and he is extremely attentive and affectionate. I'm spending tons of time with him while still trying to make time for my friends, so that I don't fall back into old habits of making a man the sole focus of my life. We've been dating now for a year (including when things were not so great). In short, all is wonderful.

Except for one little teeny-tiny thing (or, at least, all my friends keep telling me it's a little thing and that words don't matter as much as deeds). But, damn it, BG, he hasn't said that he loves me yet, and it's driving me $#@*#!ing crazy! He tells me that I'm wonderful, that I'm beautiful, and that he feels incredibly lucky to be with me. But luck isn't a feeling for me; it's a feeling about me ... maybe. I don't know. I told myself that it didn't really matter, that he was just kind of like "Tile Guy," and that I need to be patient and enjoy what I have: a wonderful man that I love who adores me. But it's the whole princess and the pea thing. Tons of soft feather beds just can't hide that hard lumpy pea.

So I did what all my advisers told me not to do, and I called him on it. On a relaxed Sunday morning while doing (trying to do) the crossword puzzle, I said, "So tell me how you feel about me." He repeated the usual -- wonderful, beautiful, lucky, blah, blah, blah. I said, "I'll make this really easy. a) You love me; b) You don't love me; c) You aren't sure." In spite of my best effort and pointed requests, he refused to pick any of the three and told me that, to him, being in love meant you were committed to that person and wanted to spend the rest of your life with that person and he wasn't sure he could say that; he's in the middle of career issues and isn't sure even what he'll be doing in a year.

I feel that's a huge cop-out, even while I also feel that he HAS to love me -- the whole deeds thing -- and maybe he just has word issues; don't men have trouble sometimes just saying the words? But I can't push it any further as the only thing worse than his not saying he loves me would be his just saying it only because I needed to hear it and not because it was true. So I guess what I am asking is: a) is this really as huge a deal as I feel; b) if it's not, how do I chill out; c) if it is ... I just feel totally lost. And don't know if I could "Walk" again over this. And know that if I did, I couldn't walk back. Oy, gavalt.

--Neurotic Freak Girl

Dear Neurotic Freak Girl,

On the one hand we need to cut your potential Tile Guy some slack. I mean, some people can't even say the word "slacks;" those three little words are big ones. And he sounds like, heck, yeah, a great guy.

But of course I understand what you feel is missing. So he's lucky, you're pretty; great, what are you, a penny? You want to hear more. You want to hear It. You're allowed. Why, even a certain couple I've known since birth -- who adore each other adorably -- get stuck in the grout in this one.

She Says: "You don't tell me you love me!"
He Says: "You know I love you!"
She Says: "I know, but I need to hear it!"

You know the drill. (Dr. Gray discovered this one like Columbus "discovered" America.)

So deeds are key, yes, but -- as Breakup Dad has taught us (aha!) -- speaking is a deed, so words are deedlets. They count. So sue you. If we didn't "want to hear" it, CDs would be coasters.

By the way, I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Well, quit giving him multiple choice questions! Just up and tell him you love him and let the tiles fall where they may! Go, girl!" I have no problem with that, but -- having read what some gals have said on the message board -- I can see why one might. As Rachel confessed: "I'll have to admit this is one of those times when independent, wacky, say-what-she-wants Rachel becomes a Rules Girl. I will never say 'I love you' first to a man because I want to make sure we're on the same wavelength. I think to myself, 'If I say I love you will he start thinking that I'm envisioning the ring and the picket fence and the 2.5 kids, or does he think it's just lust ...?'" Do with that what you will. NFK. (Hey, boys: is this one of those things where you're only too happy to have her make the first move? Curious.)

Anyway. Again, as your boyfriend is human, this is a legit stumbling block -- hey, better he take this kind of declaration seriously in the first place. But I have to admit that I, too, started to glaze over when I got to the paragraph about "career issues," yadda yadda. Sure, he's sincerely fumbling to explain his reticence, but come on! On Crossword Sunday, you asked him for three words -- gave him three choices, even -- not a five-year plan. No, you don't want him just to parrot what you want to hear. But he's got to know that the question of "love" -- and all that it carries with it -- is going to come up, and he's going to have to figure out where he's going to come down. Career clairvoyance is not necessarily a prerequsite. Cart before the horse. For lots of people, it's "love" that tells them what they'll be doing in a year. When it comes to rows, "love" does not have to be the final duck.

If anything, this one would be a wholly different WALK sign, and I'm not convinced it's flashing quite yet. If anything, take the focus off the three words -- for now -- and maybe talk a bit more about the stuff he's so unsure of that he can't even say "(c) I'm not sure." What would it take for his feelings / him to settle? You can't necessarily get rid of the pea, princess; by now it's burrowed in. But do start patting gently around it. Because someday, yeah, "scary but sure feeling," four letters, third letter V, is going to have to complete the puzzle.

Love,
Breakup Girl

* If you are reading this from the archives, the message board link may no longer exist. Sorry!

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