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SHOUTOUTS

To BG from Leslie:

Not really a question, just a shout-out to YOU for such a RIGHT ON column about cyberdating. I have been in a blissful relationship for a year with the man I believe to be The One, and we met on the Internet. I run a mailing list about our favorite band, and we "met" that way, e-mailed for a week off-list, and then immediately met IRL that weekend. (He lived only two hours away which obviously made all the difference in a quick meeting; he moved to my neck of the woods last month.) We have spent every weekend together since we met, and we are so completely happy this is soulmate stuff. I attribute a good percent of our success to the fact that we met IRL almost as soon as we "met" online. I think this kept us from building unrealistic expectations about each other and from getting too intimate too quickly online. I've done it the other way, too (poured out my soul in e-mails), and it didn't work out at all; the real life experience was incredibly disappointing after the long, imaginary buildup. You were right on the money; thanks for the smart column.

To Leslie from Jo:

Check the immigration laws before you do anything. Moving from the US to Canada is quite difficult. The only way you'd be able to get landed-immigrant status (allowing you to work, live, etc.) would be to marry your boyfriend, and I didn't get the sense that there was a proposal in the works. If you just move up to Canada to live with him, you'll have no legal status, not be able to work, could in fact be deported, and will have a really, really hard time getting landed status if you do decide to get married. Of course, if you get a job offer, then you'd be more than welcome (under the Free Trade agreement). But you have to have that before you cross the border. I'm not 100% sure on this, but you really should know that the border isn't just a legal blip, but a real player in whatever decision you make.

To BG from Mayday:

I've just gone back and read my letter in which I sniveled, bitched, and harangued about the pain and torture of my breakup last year, and I thought I'd send in an update: we got back together last spring (before May, the supposed deadline/ultimatum date). He was all about lovingness, openness, communication, let's move in together, etc. I asked whether he'd go to counseling with me, and he said yes. All the surprising, wondrous things I wanted happened! Then he wanted to move in together right away, after several months broken up. I thought he was rushing things, but went along with it. (Anyone hearing warning bells yet?) I surprised myself by enjoying living together; I've never moved in with a boyfriend and played house before.

Little did I know -- because he never told me -- that he was having space issues. We started having Big Talks a couple months ago about things, and we're right back to where we started. He refuses to go to counseling, and I am just exhausted from trying to "make" a relationship work. So I guess I'm just writing to say: it really does take two to tango. I think as women, we're encouraged and programmed from a young age to think it's acceptable and normal to carry the weight of our relationships. I resisted that programming in most of my relationships. But every woman seems to have one guy she's a total sucker for.

The upshot? Yup, I'm moving out, and we've broken up again. The moral of the story? Working on a relationship may be noble, but sometimes you really should just LEAVE. I'm feeling pretty good about it all, incidentally. Thanks for your advice last spring.

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