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Dear Breakup Girl,

When I met my boyfriend three years ago, I knew almost immediately that he was the one. We both had significant others at that time, so we were just friends. Finally this June, we started dating. It has been everything I wanted except for one thing: he is in the Canadian Air Force and is now stationed in Alberta. I am in Rochester, NY. We have kept it together very well, and I have handled the long-distance aspects of the relationship very well. The problem is that I am in graduate school, finishing this year with a degree in printing. He lives in very rural Alberta, but the plan is for me to move to Edmonton, which is a large city that might have more opportunities for me. It is still three hours away, though, and I am not sure if I can take that very long.

Here is my dilemma: he cannot leave, and I would be making a BIG move going out there, not to mention all of the hassles of getting legal residency. But I really want to be with him. My parents think I am crazy but are kind of accepting it. Part of me thinks that this will ruin my career and that I am nuts to even think about it. "What kind of feminist are you?" is a constant refrain in my head. Another part of me just wants to get married, have kids and forget about a career, which makes me feel nuts since I have spent a lot of time and money getting a grad degree. We have talked marriage seriously, but neither of us thinks we are quite at that point.

I look at some of the Air Force wives who have essentially given up their careers in favor of following their husbands through the wilds of Canada, and I get really depressed, but at the same time, I would like to have some of the security they have. The only thing I have ever been sure about is that I want a husband and children and that I have finally met the man who measures up to my expectations. I am twenty-six, and I have dated a lot of people so I have a lot to compare this to. I guess my real question is how does one balance the need for a career and independence with the sometimes stronger need for love, affection and partnership? Should I move to Canada? Should I try the second year of long-distance by living in Alberta or should I just go and live with him? I am really stressing over this and it is starting to affect my work. Sometimes I wish I had never started grad school! What do I do?

--Leslie

Dear Leslie,

I understand your Canuck quandary, but does the refrain in your head remember what I told Lizzy? I know there's years of complex socio-history behind the girl-moving-to-be-with-guy thing, but: how come it's cool when a guy does it, but a girl, like, can't? Heck, that puts her under more constraints ... and doesn't that defeat the purpose of all those rallies and suffrage and stuff? Plus: who says it's by definition "dependent" for a woman to follow her husband through the wilds of Canada? Heck, if I did that (no offers so far, Breakup Mom), I'd learn how to orienteer and trace caribou breeding grounds and drive a dogsled. Alone. Maybe some of the women who do that kind of thing are, depending on where they are in life, brave enough to get creative and reinvent themselves from nothing in a new and land. And not care that much what others think.

Also, look: you're not saying "I'm moving to be with him because I don't know what to do with myself." And with grad school ending, you are in a position to make a transition. And it's not like you're considering moving to someplace with an "Welcome" sign on the highway that reads: "Entering Edmonton. 'No printing jobs here in 250 years!'"

I'm just saying, Leslie. Independence and security come in many forms. And they don't necessarily cost more in Canada.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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