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According to Mother of Ira Dr. Shirley Glass, even affairs conducted entirely online involve the three core elements of what she calls "an emotional affair:" secrecy, intimacy, and sexual chemistry. Let's say cyberaffairs lie somewhere between Carter Affairs (lusting in your heart) and Clinton Affairs (well, you know). Actual (or cyber) sex doesn't even have to play a role...especially for women, who, Mars/Venusly enough, do tend to wind up in affairs, online and otherwise, that are more about intimacy than [euphemism] "intimacy."

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have totally fallen for this guy on the Internet. Problem is (besides the fact he's in KY and I'm in CA) that I'm living with my boyfriend of two years. I don't know if this is worth breaking up with him over. The Internet guy has just made me feel like no one has before, and it makes me think my current boyfriend isn't going to do it for me in the long run. I'm not looking at this Internet guy as my next boyfriend, but more as an eye opener, I guess. Can you offer any advice on how I should handle this? It's definitely affecting my current relationship.

--Internet Love

Dear Internet Love,

As I told Akemi: You realize -- and in fact, I think you do -- that this is not about choosing between @Kentucky and In Real CA. What, specifically, has @Kentucky opened your eyes to? What is that telling you about what might be in need of repair/replacement at home?

But remember -- as I also told Akemi -- it's easy to see why cyberlove could appear so clean, strong, and pure in the face of IRL hair-on-the-soap and cap-off-the-toothpaste love/cohabitation. So I'm wondering: what, specifically, led you to open your IMs to him in the first place? What was your inner search engine seeking, before you fell? Look there, not here.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm sure you've heard it all before and then some, but please-o-please help me pry myself out of this sticky situation: I've been seeing Evan for over a year and a half. We've been living together for three months in a house with four other people (oh, the joys of being young and poor!). I'm thinking of moving out, but it's so expensive!

The good stuff: he cares and shows it with little gifts and little gestures; he's proud of my accomplishments and encouraging when I fail; we always have fun together; we're into some of the same stuff; we're good together physically; yadda yadda yadda.

The bad stuff: money issues -- I've got more of it than he does, not much, but more -- are sometimes a problem; I'm pretty sure our values and religious differences and expectations about life are sufficiently different to make me pretty damned sure I don't want to start a family with him, and I'd like a family down the road sometime (not now ... I'm 23); he's got next to no ambition (which he will openly admit and which is related to the previous item); he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he's charming and fun.

The complicated stuff: There's Jack. Jack and I have been writing back and forth on the Internet since Prodigy was the only thing going; I was about 16. We wrote for six months before he came to visit me in 1993. Suffice it to say that it was the most romantic weekend of my entire life. We kept writing via e-mail and now, six years later, he wants to see me again. Part of the reason we never met again was that he moved to another country, and now he's saved up enough so that he can afford to come back to the states.

Our letters were always affectionate, but we both knew it wasn't a relationship; it never has been, but it's not nothing. And who the hell knows what it will be after all this time? Will we run screaming in horror or fall passionately in amor? No way to tell, but what to do?

I've never told Evan about Jack. What is there to tell? "I have a friend whom I saw once in my life to whom I write notes." But on the other hand, I've got some explaining to do to justify a trip to see another man ... who could or could not be a romantic interest. I'm happy in my relationship with Evan, but I don't see us making any vows ... ever, and who knows what could happen with Jack? Maybe something of more substance? Maybe nothing. But I'd like to see him to find out. I know for a fact that Jack wants to come back to the US but not soon. And I'm not about to end a good thing for a non-thing, i.e., long distance. What if I go and come back to find my stuff out on the lawn ... even if there are no sparks at all with Jack? What if I don't go, and I miss out on something that could have been great? I don't want to wait another seven years to find out. HELP! This is a job for Breakup Girl!

--Ionie

Dear Ionie,

I would say that you, again, again, again are not choosing between. Except you sort of are. If you really do want to just-to-see see Jack at all, your circumstances dictate that you must (in effect) choose. Because I don't know a boyfriend of any sharpness who'd cut you enough slack for that kind of visit. Granted, the Jack thing sounds the opposite of cyber-whirlwind, but it's also easily romanticized. So I'd say it comes down to: which would you rather live with: (a) a good-enough thing and a big huge question mark, (b) the guilt of dissembling -- at least temporarily -- to the good-enough thing, or (c) a big huge calculated risk and all its potential for boo-hoo loss and/or yay-me empowerment? I honestly don't mean that to be a leading question. Especially because, right, the Jack thing could still fizzle. Then again, look what happened to the Internet.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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