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In some ways, cyberskulking is even more alluring, more addicting than the IRL thing. It's "safe." And thus more dangerous. Or, at least, the slope is more slippery. Plus it's head-spinningly, soulmate-feelingly fast: you can "see" each other in bps by the thousands, not in fleeting moments between homes and alibis.

Dear Breakup Girl,

Utterly depressed. Listening to the Cranberries' "Disappointment" over and over again. I've been in a relationship with Antonio for two years. We've had ups, downs, and the usual couple trouble, but today I am utterly devastated. We always had a problem with his online "affairs" -- meaning cybersex and chat partners from all over the world. A couple of months ago, I found e-mail love letters to a woman (and I do mean love letters, they were the sort of thing he sent to me). We fought, made up, and he promised not to do it again.

A week ago, I found out he was having an online affair with someone named (can I hurl now?) "Sweetum." We fought; I wanted to break up; he wept and told me he couldn't live without me, that he would never ever do it again, and that, to prove it, I could check his ICQ at any time, randomly, so I could see. Well. Today, I was on his computer and discovered that not only was he chatting with Sweetum again, he was writing her things like "We can never let go of this passionate bond we have" and "I've missed you sooooo much!!!"

I cried my eyes out. Still am. When confronted, he said I was probably reading really old files (although I saw the dates and they were yesterday), that he didn't give a hoot about these women, and that he didn't do it. I was probably wrong. But if I was right, sorry; he'd never do it again. Never ever ever.

What will I do? I love this man, BG, but I cannot love someone who cheats on me. (I do consider online affairs real cheating.) I can imagine myself living the rest of my life with this man. He is important to me, and the last thing I want to do is break up with him. And yet, my heart tells me I should because he'll never change and I'd be stupid and desperate if I go back to the same old cycle over again. Please help.

--Matzo Chick

Dear Matzo Chick,

OW.

I am so sorry.

But.

He invited to you to come by and check his ICQ to see how many Other Women weren't sitting in his virtual lap? Are you dating Gary Hart?

Look, MC, some detached messing around with porn is one thing. An isolated cyberaffair is another. But a history of cyberaffairs about which he lies poorly and in which he rubs your face? Willfully squirrely; remarkably insulting: and another thing entirely.

(And with someone named "Sweetum?" Off the charts.)

Maybe these women do mean nothing to him. But so what? What do you mean to him? Would he mind showing it?

Sweetie, I know how much you want to believe and give doubt-benefit and hold on and make it all okay. But I don't really think this is wonder-if-he'll-change thing. Deal's already broken. And now nothing less than your dignity and spirit are at stake. That heart that's talking? Listening to it will keep it alive.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS: Same shout -- in slightly milder form -- goes out to Tam, girlfriend of the recipient of the "pillowcase with her perfume." That crosses more than state lines.

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