< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met C about a year ago, when I had a low paying geek-job. She worked upstairs and was tall, beautiful, funny, and geeky. I fell for her bigtime. After an initial shaky start, where I scared her by asking her out for a drink over e-mail, we became good friends, going out, ripping on our jobs, talking tech stuff, and generally bonding. This continued for a few months. I told her how I felt about her, that she completely blitzed me, and she took it all in enigmatically. Sometimes she's like that. Nothing came of it until one night, wearing my jacket because she was cold, we hugged (which was normal) and kissed (which was not). I was, to say the least, ecstatic, and not a little surprised. This was in the queue for the taxi, and she's quite reserved in public.

To get to the crux of the problem, we've been more-than-good-friends for a while; we've spent days in bed together; she's made me late for work on more than one occasion; and we have a great time together, usually. We argue sometimes, but even they're worthwhile arguments about stuff, not just petty crap which neither of us has the patience for. So what's the problem, in this perfect little scenario?

Good as things are, I'm not The One for her. And because of that, she's not The One for me. And it's killing me. I love this woman without question or qualification. We argued over what the definitions of love are, and all I could answer was that the overwhelming combination of feelings I had was so different, I didn't know what else it could be. That's not much of an answer, is it? But I think that's less important than the feelings themselves: I want her to feel happy, loved, and content; I want to share the weight of the world with her, hers and mine; I want to be the one she comes home to and takes her pains away; and I want her -- no-one else I've met will do, frankly. She can't imagine getting this from only one person. She can't foresee staying with one person for ever more. She's also been more-than-good-friends with another bloke for a number of years, whom I know about, but who does not know the degree to which we're (not) seeing each other. But she knows he's not The One for her, either.

Where all this uncertainty comes from, I'm not sure. I know a little of her past, which had a couple of fairly intense relationships in it that seemed to end badly, but I think it's more than that, maybe something philosophical (her subject). She takes my incomprehension to signify that we'll never really understand each other and are thus, not each other's Ones. I think it takes more work than that to really understand someone deeply, but she's after an instant meeting of minds, a ZAP! intellectual thunderbolt. And she's not my One, because ultimately, she doesn't/won't/can't reciprocate. I need that from my partner; I love to give loads, and I love to receive loads -- this can lead me down the path of loftbuilding and getting possessive, but I've been bitten in the ass too often by them, so I try to keep them in check.

So having tied it up, what the hell do I do? I'm trying to keep myself open to others, but my heart's not in it. Maybe if The One happens along, it will be. I know this is not going anywhere, and I should be looking elsewhere (all my friends, and my good ol' mother tell me to), but I just can't. It's one of my New Year's resolutions, but I can see it going out the window as soon as we next see each other. I'm just really confused and need a hand.

-- Korky

Dear Korky,

She can't foresee staying with one person forever more? Oh, Korky, I would so love to say: "Well, heck, people 'can't foresee' lots of things. Do you think BG foresaw becoming a superhero? What about all those "confirmed bachelors" who came around? All the people whose stories start, "I never thought I'd ..." -- ? Who have to say no no no no until the yes sneaks up on them, and there it is. -- ?"

If I said that, I wouldn't be saying for sure that your Geek Lover is in denial; I would just be saying that a "can't foresee" is far from a "can't happen." In many cases, it's a "can't help but say these famous last words." And in that case, I could suggest that you could stick out the for-now as long as you can stand it, in the until-it's-vain hope that she -- like Tile Guy -- will wind up with yes on her shoulder and you on her arm forever more.

I wish I could say that. But there's one problem: what's with this other bloke you buried somewhere in the sixth paragraph? Openish situations can work, but there's only ill-informed semi-consent going on here, which does not bode well. Maybe there's something compelling for you about the challenge, a little something comforting about the fact that she's not 100% available? I don't know. But most important, I'd submit that it will kill you more to half-have her than it will to not have her. In the big picture, I'd rather have you have had The One That Got Away than have The One Whom I Will Compromise, even Corrode, Myself to Not Even Really Have. I don't mean to paint her as evil, just the situation as potentially even more painful.

In that light, Korky, if you love her that much, then in a sense, you do have to love her with qualification, just one: the request that, at least, she see only one Not The One (hint: you) at a time. So far everyone's been enabling her (though she's totally entitled); so who knows, maybe an ultimatum will be the ZAP! she didn't know she was looking for. In which case, see above.

If not, well, POW! A massive blow, I know, to your heart and all that surrounds it. But it has been so suspended for and by her, Korky, that of course no one else will do right now, of course you're not so open to others. I'd be surprised if it were any other way. Give yourself a break. And give yourself -- if necessary -- time to heal. And give yourself a chance to find someone enigmatic enough to be compelling, but for whom -- when it comes to who's The One -- there's no mystery.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >