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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

In the fall of '98, I had class with a guy whom I got to know first as a friend, until I fell head over heels in love with him. I was crazy about him all year, even though he was younger and we didn't seem to have much in common (or so I thought). However, I am a real chicken, so I never had the nerve to ask him out. I also got really nervous around him the deeper I fell, so often I made a real idiot of myself in front of him. But the blissful time flew by, and before long it was June, and I graduated, college-bound. The day before graduation, I slipped him a note telling him of my feelings, and included my phone number and e-mail. He never responded.

The typical teenage love angst stuff ends there. Here's where it gets complicated. I came up with the idea to "create" a person by getting a Hotmail address with a made-up name. Then, I contacted him, saying I had just randomly come across his e-mail address. I told him I lived in another state, and we became pen pals. Then one night we chatted for three hours, and we got really close. No kinky cyber sex, just talking. As the summer wore on, we continued writing and admitted we "loved" each other. So, there I was, pretending to be someone I was not physically, but he was falling in love with my personality, the real me.

My friends say this shows his superficiality because he wasn't interested in me physically but loved my heart and mind. I am even more crazy about him than I was before. So the question is ... do I tell the truth? How? This has been going on for four months now. We both want to be "together," but he doesn't realize to whom he is talking. "Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive..."

--Lila

Dear Lila,

For what it's worth, I'm not so sure I agree with your friends. Could well be that he wasn't interested in Nervous Girl who was never quite herself around him; could be he was intimidated by Older Girl and just plain vanilla didn't know how to respond to your note (and didn't "have" to, as you were going off to college).

Anyway, beside the point. Because um, you're gonna have to tell him. You just are. In this day and age, ether and bandwith can sustain some sort of relationship, but misrepresentation cannot. So how to tell him? Well, I think the only way to untangle is to use a few clear prongs of truth. Something like, "There's something pretty major I need to tell you. You may be shocked and surprised, even angry. But I didn't know how else, other than what we've had over these past months, to get close to you ... which is what -- as you may have learned at graduation '98 -- I've long wanted to do. That's right, Hotmailee, this is Lila. I am so sorry to have been duplicitious all this time; I hope you'll understand at least a little, and I'll be happy to talk about if and when you're ready." Just a suggestion; it's a start.

But Lila? He might freak. Really freak. And it would not be superficial for him to do so. I understand that on your end it was a caper bourne of a mad crush. But on his, it might be ... creepy. He might bail not because he doesn't like Hotmail Girl, but because he doesn't like being duped. Brace yourself.

Especially because, Lila? It's been a long time. And you're in college. With all due respect, don't you have other things to invent and write and sustain? Maybe you don't, which could be the problem. Have you got enough going on over there to distract, attract, nurture, and fulfill you? Maybe not. If I were you -- no matter what happens with this guy -- I'd spend some time figuring out what might be missing for you on campus. See? You've got another chance to "create" a person. Don't fake it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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