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Dear Breakup Girl,

First, I am torn between two men, and it's not even the men who are doing the tearing. My ex broke up with me over ten months ago. I wallowed all summer and cried for three weeks in September because I missed him. We broke up because I was only a freshman in college and he was a senior at another college; he was graduating and moving away. We both had a very hard time with the breakup, but I especially did, since I still see and walk by all the places we used to go. We didn't communicate at all for three months because he didn't think that the friends thing would work: "I'll miss you too much," is what he said. Well, I e-mailed him at his old work address in October (he hadn't worked there for months), and he replied two days later. He wrote me a 10K e-mail! I really think he missed me, which I was sort of pleased about. However, I also had kind of hoped that he had dropped off the face of the earth and that there was no possibility of us ever talking to each other again. That hope was obviously dashed. We still write about once a week.

Then, SecondBoy comes along in September. He lives in California; I live in Minnesota. I met him on a message board on the Internet and things sort of progressed from there. SB Is 24, while I am only 20; however, I enjoy this guy's maturity factor. We talk on the phone everyday, e-mail about twice a week, and I have a plane ticket to go see him in January. But now that I am sort of in communication with my ex, I'm torn. My ex knows I'm going to California, and he only lives an hour away from LA. Even though we've been catching up on everything, I still haven't told him WHY I'm going to California. My ex has been dropping hints about my coming to visit him or his coming to see me while I'm in California. I want SOOOOOO badly to see him again, but I also want to move on, though not necessarily with SB.

I keep comparing the two, and I know a relationship would be more stable with SB than with my ex. (Because he's already broken my heart, he could do it again.) But my heart doesn't flutter when I think about SB. The fact that SB is saying that he'll quit his job and find one in Minnesota so he can be with me if there is chemistry between us doesn't help either. I am attracted to SB, mainly because I know he would be a very passionate and loving partner, while my ex would just sort of "go through the motions." And SB is romantic, while my ex never was.

Another factor in the whole thing is my growing obsession with Matt Damon; you may think this is totally unrelated, but just wait while I explain: I do not have a picture of my ex, and when I saw ROUNDERS this summer, I noticed how much my ex looks like, acts like, talks like -- basically personifies -- Matt Damon perfectly. I have over 300 pictures of Matt Damon from magazines and the Internet to date. I have them all over my half of the room and my roommate is concerned that I'm not over my ex (which, by the way, is blatantly obvious, even to me). Anyway, all of this has led to my becoming extremely behind in all of my classes, so much so that I might be kicked out. And, my parents know nothing of what's going on with me; every time they call and ask how I am, I say I'm fine. What they know won't hurt them, right?

BG, what do you think of this situation? What would YOU do? Should I really meet this guy that I met over the Internet or should I use the ticket to see my ex? I've never been to CA, so I guess I could just go sight-seeing, but I'll be all alone, in an all together new-to-me-state. Have I taken this Matt Damon thing too far? What should I do? I feel helpless in this situation and can't seem to do anything right; please help me squeeze through this one, BG!

--Clare

Dear Clare,

I will say that there are plenty of non-ex-boyfriend reasons to love Matt Damon.

Then again, that leads to the logical corrolary: if your ex looks, acts, talks, and personifies MD, I will say that there are plenty of non-Rounders reasons to not be over him. And it doesn't help that he's been in touch.

But you don't have to be Will Hunting to find the true missing variable here: Clare, how's school?

Not so good, huh? Normally, I'd say put whatever/whomever on your walls, as long as you are not breaking rules against Scotch tape. But you say that "all of this has led to" your being extremely behind in your classes. That's the problem, that's why I worry a bit about the Shrine of Damon, and that's also I wonder if you're not putting Descartes before the horse. It's so way normal to have residual feelings for an ex, and so way normal to feel a modem-born attraction, but still: I can't help but feel that if you dug school more -- both academically and socially -- in the first place, you'd have been standing on a sturdier platform from which to step over your ex. You know? You would have had -- after the initial breakup fallout -- something to distract you and immerse yourself in, other than the "Steamer" scenes in Mystic Pizza.

First things first. What do you need to do to get caught up? I know that it's hard when you're distracted by all this boy stuff, but it is imperative that you not mess this college stuff up. Why? Not only because BG cannot, in principle, put getting (a) guys before (b) good grades, but also because if the more you flail, the more your judgment will cloud about which boy to escape to. So start with chemistry, the class. Do you need a tutor? A study buddy? Do you need to not go away to CA so that you can study instead? Talk to a dean; make a plan. I do think that forcing yourself to become the Studious Mrs. Ripley for the next little while will help you get your bearings. Not just to survive this semester, but to thrive in the next one.

And what about after class? Have you tried to find ways to fill your social landscape with quads and paths that you didn't cross with your ex? Please don't make me say "join a club," but that's what I'm thinking. (Not a fan club.) I know going to college doesn't mean finding your niche automatically. But see, you don't have the same problem as the folks who write me to say there's no one around their age with their interests, no physical place to meet people. Them, I advise to use the Internet. You, I'd redirect to RL. Look around, past your Matt montage. Who and what are there for you?

Now about the specific boys. I'm not perma-against your meeting SB, I'm really not. But please let me caution you not to let things move as fast IRL as they do on the Internet. His willingness to up and move -- not that you're not worth it! -- makes me wonder how "school" is going for him, too. Heck, you're not even sure how aflutter you really feel in the first place. So if there is chemistry, maybe next he visits Minnesota. And do you visit your own Private Ryan if you are in CA? Well, Clare, if you're this confused when you're away from them, try seeing them in the same trip. I'd say maybe not.

Oh, and please reconsider not telling your parents. What they don't know could hurt you. If they'd kill you for flunking, imagine how much they'd kill you for not telling them you were flunking. Try to let them in, Clare. Hey, Matt took his mom to the Oscars.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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