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Dear Breakup Girl,

I was dating this wealthy Bond-wanna-be (let's call him Bond-A) from Mid Europe for a year. Bond-A was not cool nor killer-handsome. He acted like a soft-hearted and soft-spoken single father who claimed to be betrayed by his ex-wife. His kid does like me because sometimes I have the imaginative "tricks" to make kids in-general crazy about me as a friend. I fell for Bond-A a few months after being involved with a slick Bond-look-alike West European guy (let's call him Bond-B) for a year who treated me as nothing more than a cute little apple pie on-the-side. I was totally infatuated with Bond-B's looks (still am). Then he left for another Bond Girl, not really to my surprise.

So this time I thought that Bond-A was a real gem in the dust and a sweet pumpkin pie, not to mention that he was a master in reading cues in bed. After dating Bond-A for a year, I was more and more in love with and have respect for him. He's also my colleague.

Unfortunately I was blinded by this so-called and self-claimed family man all along. My 6-sense radar was shut off--I had never suspected that Bond-A was in fact a two-timer, as well as a total liar until one day I stumbled onto his secret long-distance lover (not even his ex-wife from his ever pending difficult divorce). Both of us are cute and successful single women. Bond-A was wooing her just like 007, which made this whole thing look so amusing. She seemed like a party girl. As much as I want to be a nicest innocent person in the world, I know that people also perceive me as a party girl.

Nevertheless, I was a little jealous in the mean time. While with me, he was this total loyal shyish friend-till-death kinda guy who needed to be rescued by me in terms of fashion styles. He claimed to have a huge debt from his marriage and was completely broke, so I bought him clothes and sometimes movie tickets and dinners. I bought presents for his kid.

After being busted by accident he seemed to be very calm, and then acted as if he did not recognize me even though we are colleagues. It did not hurt my feelings. I watched him as if watching an idiot play in a bad 007 movie.

Still, I do not enjoy having a two-timer boyfriend. I am a Catholic girl, so I am disgusted by infidelity and dishonesty. So now it's over.

My question: HOW CAN I EVER TRUST MEN AGAIN? This was the first time that I went for true love instead of cool looks, and obviously the only advantage of that was the relative ease of the breakup. To assure you, I am VERY well-educated, well-travelled, well-dressed single girl who has a slight foreign accent -- good-looking, earning good dollars. I receive marriage proposals when I am not interested in someone. I come from a relatively poor country, but my parents are well-educated and supportive. I may look confident, funny, innocent, and active, so I get noticed often, but deep down I am a down-to-earth girl who longs for true love and friendship. However, I always have the sniff for bad men. (OK, I do care about their cars and watches, BMW and Sea Masters are a plus, though I can afford having both myself.)

I do not fantasize about being just someone's Bond Girl. WHERE DO I BEGIN TO LOOK FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE, HOPEFULLY CUTE, WHO LOVES ME AND WANTS TO KEEP ME FOREVER? I go to church, volunteer, but everyone seems to have tied the knot already. I am almost turning 30, so the men left, especially in my social group (middle to upper middle class), are either single men with commitment problems or divorced with heavy baggage (drinkards/drug addicts/womanizers). Besides praying and being happy as a single, what more can I do?

-- Another Bond Girl

Dear Another Bond Girl,

Ever so sadly, we no longer have Q around to offer us handy gadgets like commitment-seeker-seeking umbrellas. Instead, I offer you this nugget of insight: just because you do a particular thing "the right way" doesn't mean it automatically turns out. You went for love: yay. You missed some clues: maybe, maybe not. If there's one thing that two-timers are often skilled at, it's two-timing. So I wouldn't worry about not trusting men, I'd worry about not typing them. Just because someone's not Bond handsome doesn't mean he's Boy Scout honest, you know what I mean? (Have Miss Moneypenny pull my Looks files for more on this false dichotomy.) Your mission is to trust that your person-radar -- occasional blips notwithstanding -- is, like your fashion sense, no less keen than ever. And to soldier/spy your way through the [perceived] bad guys; there really are legions of good ones, with or without dashing looks and splashing toys. Maybe also try a different church, different volunteer endeavor? You know, just to shake/stir things up.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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