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Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend Ryan and I have been together for a year, and we have been living together for a good portion of that year. We are planning on getting engaged soon. My problem is with Ryan's ex-girlfriend, Liz. Liz and Ryan dated for almost 3 years,off and on, through a difficult time in Ryan's life. They have been broken up for almost 2 years. Liz manipulated Ryan into dating her again after they broke up the first time by threatening to kill herself. Ryan felt bad, and still had feelings for her, so he got back together. They broke up yet again, and Liz moved home to her family (3,000 miles away from Ryan). She still continued to write, email and call, as if they had never broken up.

In fact, when Ryan and I started dating, she was calling more than once a week and her letters still said how much she loved him and always would. Ryan was very straight with her as to his relationship with me, but it seemed to fall on a deaf ear with Liz. Liz's family used to live in the same city as Ryan's mom, and she still calls Ryan's mom all the time, I think she considers herself to be friends with Ryan's mom, but Ryan's mom only talks to her to be nice. Liz still continued calling despite Ryan's admonitions that she not call so much. He didn't want to cut her completely out of his life, and I understand that. Had Liz seemed remotely normal I wouldn't have minded that he keep her as a friend.

When Ryan got transferred back to Liz's side of the US, she weasled his number from his mother and started up the barrage of calling again. I joined Ryan a month later and we moved to a new apt, with a new number. We asked his mother not give it to Liz. Liz threw a fit and called all over the country trying to get our number (we didn't know this at the time). Ryan felt bad, and I felt like I was forcing him to not have contact with her, so I said it would be okay if she had our address -- that way I could see how frequently she was contacting him. When Ryan's mom gave her this info, she immediately responded with a letter that she would always love him, no matter what, and enclosed a picture of her with Ryan's mother. When her birthday came around, I was the one who insisted he call her for her birthday, if he wanted to be friends with her. (Their phone conversations are never more than 10 minutes, Ryan usually doesn't want to talk to her) He called, left a message (she wasn't home) but she had caller ID and then got our number. Of course, she HAD to call back. She was good for a month.

Then Ryan's birthday approached, and she sent a card. The kicker was the "Hi handsome" and "I think about you constantly" and "Love Always, Liz." To make matters worse, she got her mother and father (whom Ryan liked very much) to sign it and say "don't be a stranger, you're welcome here anytime" and her father's "we hope we see you for the holidays." Never mind that he hasn't even seen this girl or her family in almost 2 years!!! Never mind that he lives with me!!! Then as the actual birth "day" approached, she called 3 times in one week. Ryan had it out with her the day after his birthday, that until she was over him, to not contact him anymore, that her actions were wrong. She fought him on that, saying she was over him, who was he to think that she wasn't?

So, we finally banished Liz. We moved again to a new apt since the holidays and she does not have our address or number now. My problem lies in that fact that she is STILL talking to Ryan's mom. Ryan's mom adores me, and says that she tolerates Liz only because she feels sorry for her, but it's driving me nuts! I cannot understand WHY Ryan's mom would let this girl still call her all the time. (Liz is 22, Ryan is 22 and I am 24 btw). It also bothers me that he received a Christmas card to our old address (it got forwarded to us here) from her aunt and uncle. Maybe it's just me, but I don't see why she should still have any contact with his mom, or why her family should still have Ryan on any card list.

Am I just being mean? I mean, I did feel sorry for this girl at first, but maybe I just have more self respect than she does. I would not be brave nor ridiculous enough to continue calling an ex if he was LIVING with another girl, much less for this long. She also lived with Ryan, she knows him...when he did take her calls he always made an excuse to get off the phone with her, but yet she blames me, saying that it's my fault that Ryan doesn't talk to her-- that I "won't let him." It bothers me I guess, that she thinks I am a bad person, when I have gone out of my way to try to facilitate a friendship between the two of them, until she proved it was impossible.

I know Ryan's mom updates Ryan on Liz's status, and that bothers me too. Am I being overly sensitive, or is this girl going to keep trying to burrow into our lives for the rest of our lives together? I do think that her not letting go is because of Ryan's career. Without getting into that, he is somewhat of a celebrity and makes a great deal of money.

Ryan doesn't completely understand how I feel, Ryan's mom is not someone I feel comfortable approaching this subject with, and my own mother tells me to forget about Liz. My friends say they'd call her up and tell her to stop it if they were me.

Thanks for letting me vent.
-- Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Oooh, is it Ryan Phillippe?

Wait, and are you Sarah Michelle Gellar?

If so, we have the stop-the-presses of the century (okay, the month) for Gregoire, who just reported that Ryan and Reese are with child/wedding date (in that order). Did you guys cook that up as a distraction to get this Liz (who? who? Hurley?) off your case?

If so, it would have been a better plan than anyone else has come up with so far. Her aunt and uncle?! This Liz has effectively bamboozled everyone around her. Maybe they're still starry-eyed over Ryan's celebrity status, but still.

Unfortunately, if I am to honor the constraints you explain in the last paragraph, there's not a heck of a lot you can do. I mean, if you get up the gumption, you could suggest to Mom Phillippe that while her niceness is appreciated in principle, indulging Liz is not helping her. Other than that, I dare say you actually can't call Liz up; not only do I think, galling as this is, it's slightly not your place (though I would understand if you did), it will -- more importantly -- not work. What, you think after all this, when her archnemesis tells her to cease and desist, she'll be like, "Oh, okay, sorry" -- ? If I were you, I'd just quit being all Big Person Girlfriend about it (publicly, anyway) and stop masochistically encouraging this "friendship" when clearly Ryan doesn't want it in the first place. Your intentions may not be cruel, but they're dubious. Read my column on this topic, then muster every intention to tune her out.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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