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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was honored (and more than a little validated -- "See, I told you this was bad!") to be your Predicament of the Week. Thanks. Your advice was right on, too. You are the coolest and most powerful Superhero I know.

Here I am again, with an update and another question. I'll start where I last left off. I had been getting your advice from others the entire time and finally managed to get the strength to cut my ex off, which was probably the hardest thing I've ever done, at least emotionally. I was still deeply in love with this girl and desperate to make the relationship work. I told her I needed a break and that I'd get a hold of her when I was ready to be friends. That lasted a week, followed by three days of talking again, followed by me reversing again and not calling for two weeks. Finally, I broke down again and called. Then she told me that she couldn't handle it and that she needed a break. She told me she'd get a hold of me after I had moved and settled in at my graduate school. Fine. I was still deeply, deeply hurt, but at least I didn't have to decide whether to call or not. She didn't want to talk to me. Several months pass. I move. I settle in. I try to start my new life and studies. I even manage to date a little while having to get over this grating feeling in my chest that I am cheating on her. But at least the casual dating (nothing serious!) gave me some confidence and something to think about and do on the weekends. I can't imagine how much dwelling I'd have done without some other people around. But, of course, She is always on my mind.

My relationship with Our Parents (as my ex and I had always referred to them) deteriorated. They were too close to her, and I told them straight out that I needed a break from them as well. I didn't call for a month after I moved. I felt like my ex and I needed to get a 'working' relationship going before I could deal with them. Finally six weeks after I'd moved to grad school, I decided that I'd at least offer an olive branch. I mean, we still have to deal with each other since we live in the same house, so I call Our Parents and ask for her new address. They won't give it to me. They say she would rather have them forward anything I want to send her. This makes no sense to me. Not only do I know where she lives (I just didn't have the address), I could easily get the address myself. So I get very angry, and my relationship with Our Parents deteriorates more. Meanwhile, my ex makes no attempt to contact me.

Well, here comes Thanksgiving. My entire family is holding its breath. I don't even bother to go home (like I have an option). I just head straight to my family hub and stay with some relatives (who have stepped in as kind of a surrogate family). I hear that my ex has gone home as usual and will (of course) not be coming to our get together as she usually did. But neither will her mother. My father comes alone. We all lament about how it's just going to make things worse at Christmas. I go back to school to finish up classes before Winter Break.

And here comes Winter Break. Now I know this a challenging one BG. But I also know you're a superhero. Wouldn't it be great if we could just pass this off as a messed up family and shunt it into therapy? But the truth is, this all stems from this horrible, nasty, no good, very bad BREAKUP. And it's having this horrible ripple effect that I never wanted it to have. I'm just not sure how to deal with my ex right now. Part of me says charge in, demand an explanation, and fight until this gets resolved (as in go home for Winter Break and just stay there). Then the other part says: Whoa! You're gonna get hurt. Who knows why she's doing this? Best to give her space and just not go home until she gets a clue, grows up, and is civil (read: live with other family during holidays for rest of life).

I'm not trying to win her back or anything. My fantasies of reconciliation have slowed to a trickle (OK, a small stream). But I do want us to be adults about this and work something out. I'm just not sure if she will let us. So you want to tackle this one, BG? Did I mention how powerful you are?

--Waiting for Now (again)

Dear Waiting for Now,

Oh, buddy. After reading your letters, can anyone doubt that truth-is-stranger-than-sitcom? Not to mention "...is-less-funny," which is hard to believe.

Now, do not think even for one commercial break that I do not feel your pain; why, yours could even qualify as Predicament of the Millennium. But unless I'm missing something -- I cannot believe I'm about to say this -- this sitch is not as bad as it could be. At least no one is actively making it worse. Which is, if you ask me, a veritable Christmas miracle.

Think about what manner of perpetrations could be taking place. Your ex is no longer tormenting you with a "space" policy that goes something like "we'll still sleep together; we just won't spoon." Either or both of Your Parents, believe me, could be immature/interfering/side-taking goons -- or, worse, "Why don't you two kids just make up?! It's Christmas!" clue-lackers. Or: there could be a pair of cute twins.

Seriously. As far as I can tell, Your Parents are endeavoring to accept requests, remain neutral. Your girlie is -- finally -- having her space and having it, too. Seems like everyone, remarkably, is being civil and adult.

And yet: I know there's not enough closet space in this house for you and your hurt and tension and rage and leftover love. Some is spilling out, in the form of blame, onto its other occupants. Believe me, I understand. But I'm really not convinced that there's anything you need to fight or "demand an explanation" for right now. I'd even venture, gently, that calling the Parents for her address was a teensy weensy bit of an unnecessary whose-side? provocation. There are already enough eggshells on the floor for you guys to walk on; no need to toss any at the house.

So what to do? Oy. Brace yourself, suck it/buck up, steer clear for now. Courage. That's the best any of us can do, I think. Unclench your fist and let go of the idea that things, this millennium, are going to be normal and happy and Our Parents Know Best. They're not. For the next little while, your family's gonna be more like Third Norman Rockwell From the Sun. It just is. And I am so, so sorry. So try try try to seek out, one on one, the people you love and who are Y2K-ready to love you back right now: your friends, your dad, whomever else you're getting to know. And try and thank your maker that all of this actually is real. Otherwise, mark my words, the wacky neighbor would be in love with you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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