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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

My ex and I recently broke up after nearly five years together. She said she didn't want a boyfriend at this point in her life, and I'm trying to understand. We met and started dating when we were both in high school. She was a freshman, and I was a senior. I know, bad news, but we had a great time and loved each other. We just couldn't bear to end the relationship even when I left to go to college six hours away. The long distance thing was hard, but we managed. I simply had more fun with her (every three weeks or so) than with anyone else. We spent summers together, falling in love all over again, and it was wonderful. The upshot to this long distance thing was that I had plenty of time to enjoy my college life without being crowded, and I developed many deep and long lasting friendships. Except for a few brief periods which quickly passed, I never felt the need to date anyone else. No one else came close to her, and I never cheated.

Fast forward. The summer before her senior year, she says she wants a change in our relationship. I say, "OK, what?" She says she wants to date other people, but maintain our relationship as well. I understand because it's her senior year, and she has always felt I had more experience than she in relationships (though I had only had two previous ones that both lasted two weeks). So anyway, we agree to be honest about other people. Roughly a month into this, she e-mails me and tells me she has made out with someone else. I freak out, and tell her I can't handle being in an open relationship, and that we should end it. She says that isn't what she wanted, so we go back to being exclusive. The path of least resistance I guess; we are still deeply in love.

Fast forward to present. She has just completed her freshman year of college at a University an hour and a half away. I have graduated and am preparing to go to grad school at another University. We will now be 2.5 hours apart. She tells me that she wants another change, that she just doesn't want to have a boyfriend right now, but that she still desperately wants to maintain our friendship. (We are definitely best friends.) She says she loves me and sees us together, married with children, in the future. She thinks she is "broken" because she can't seem to make any other friends (the ones she does have are the fair weather type), and she somehow manages to blame it on our relationship (but it's not like I'm always around, and I have had no problems in this regard). She doesn't think she can spend 3 more years in this relationship and be ready to take the next step (marriage) without some doubts. She thinks she is too dependent. I am crushed, yet still understanding. I realize that she started this relationship when she was extremely young (she was 15; I was 17), and many people have told me that the relationship will not work out until she goes out and "finds herself," "dates a little," "experiences life," etc.. Fine. The (exclusive) relationship is over. She has doubts. I won't fight it. But she still wants to keep our friendship. I am still deeply in love with her. I won't be able to date others unless I manage to convince myself that she isn't worth it. Otherwise, I'm waiting around for her to get a clue or do whatever she has to do to convince herself that what we had was really good. I give her all the space she needs. I promise not to call or see her. I tell her I will try to remain friends with her as long as it's not too painful. It's been a week since the "breakup," and she calls me every night to talk just as we have been doing the last 5 years. She wants to celebrate our 5 year anniversary as "friends" by taking a trip.

Part of me wants to help her out through this. I was deeply committed to her, and I feel I should give her the space and whatever else she needs so this isn't too hard on her. The other part of me is angry that this is happening again, and that I have been steamrollered again. So the real question is: what do I do? Is this a real breakup where I should try to fall out of love with her or is this an ongoing thing that I need to work on or at least wait out?

There are the questions, but here's a real kicker which you may or may not find relevant. My father and her mother are engaged to be married. They started dating about 3 months after she and I started our relationship. Our parents (both divorced) had met each other at a school function and started seeing each other (they supposedly didn't know we were a couple). Naturally, we FREAKED. It didn't get too serious until after I had left for college, so it's not like we were really forced together. It eventually came to be a big convenience. Her mother trusted me (she had to, right?), and I was able to stay over at her house a lot when I came home. In the last year, however, our parents have moved in together, making this situation TRULY WEIRD. My ex and I now share the same household. This isn't too big of a deal during most of the year, as we are both away from home, but it does present many deep entanglements that confuse everything. I mean, we can play the "what-if" game until the sun explodes: what if our parents hadn't gotten together? Would we still be in love? Are we together for convenience? Etcetera. When we have gone home to stay, the group dynamics weird us both out and we don't like being there. Who knows how much this has to do with the current situation. I personally think not much, though it has no doubt impacted us significantly.

But, in any case, I have no idea what to do. It's not like I was pressuring her to make a commitment. I don't want to get married yet either, but I'm not afraid to take that step if in three years or so we are still deeply in love. She is afraid to do this, but she also doesn't want to lose me. I tell her that if I let go, I don't think getting back together is possible. I will be resentful, angry, trying to convince myself that she just isn't worth this pain. It hurts a little every time we talk. What do I do?

--Waiting for Now

Dear Waiting for Now,

Ooof. You guys should totally watch -- preferably in separate rooms of the house -- "Popular" on the WB. (Yeah, sometimes we get advance tapes over here at the Studio Apartment of Justice/Pop Culture. But not of The X-Files, so don't ask.) Don't want to spoil anything, but let's just say it's stepsib madness there, too. Frankly, I don't know who's worse off. Oh wait, you guys are, 'cause that's a television program. (One time Chris confused something that happened on The Real World with one of his own memories, so you never know.) In real life, your sitch is about as nuts as it gets. I mean, it's one thing to have your ex in your office, or even -- the New York City rental situation being what it is -- in your apartment; it's quite another to have your ex AND YOUR EX AND YOUR EX-IN-LAWS fighting over the remote control (as it were). Even if it were a sitcom, it wouldn't be funny.

Still, yes, the stepparent trap -- as wildly complicated and positively nuts as it is -- is actually beside the point. Which, if you think about it, must mean that The Point is pretty massive. And that is: while yes, exes can be friends, do not think for a second that you two can right now. In fact, do not think for a second that that is what you are right now. She is Linus; you are the blanket. Sometimes, vice versa. (Finally, a pop reference that the grownups will get!)

Talking every night? A trip? What are you going to do, try to find somewhere really unromantic? No, no, no. Girlfriend cannot have her breakup and eat it too. She cannot. It does not work. It does not work as a way of staying "friends;" it does not work as a way of not losing each other. It does the exact opposite. For proof, read your letter.

But -- silver lining -- the reverse is also true. Distancing yourselves from each other for now -- NO trips ... across the room to the phone, even -- is in fact your only hope for ever being even, um, a step closer again in the future. Or, in fact, for you to remain sane. So please, please: make like Greg and move to the attic.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS: Check out the book I Was My Mother's Bridesmaid: Young Adults Talk About Thriving in a Blended Family. Maybe you could contribute to the sequel.

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