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Dear Breakup Girl,

Aw, dang, I can't remember the last time I felt this nihilistic about anything.

Currently "dating" Dreamman. "Dating" is a loose approximation; after living with me trouble-free for nearly four years, science-guy Dreamman has gone to work on-site in Colorado, while I remain on the east coast. I'm pretty sure he's never coming back, and I don't think I want to move there. Or maybe I do. I have nothing here but a soul-sucking job and a nice apartment, so it isn't like I have anything to lose, but I'm still not sold. Dreamman and I -- despite being best friends, constant companions, and two peas in a cutesy little pod -- haven't had sex in three years. We slept in the same bed, cuddled, smooched, and played around, but the sex just disappeared one day.

We've talked about it, and the best we can come up with is that we've "moved past sex." Is such a thing possible? Normal? Healthy? Who knows. I'm not really disappointed in the lack of rumpus, to tell the truth, but I feel like I SHOULD be, and that's making me give the relationship with him the evil eye. It's like I'm worried we're abnormal or that we're kidding ourselves because we're not in a relationship, we're in a rut. I've told him my fears, and he says he's in as much love as ever and doesn't want to split up. He wants me in Colorado.

Meanwhile, I feel like a hypocrite because, despite the fact that we're both free-spirit juvenile types who fear marriage, mortgages, and children, I feel like settling down with him is a mistake because someday I MIGHT want those things, and he most certainly doesn't. (We're both 30, so at some point I suppose we'll have to abandon the "plenty of time to think about it" argument...)

Meanwhile, I've developed an unhealthy attachment to my coworker, Manlyman. I'm at an assembly line, so horsing around with him is one of the few things that make the day bearable. He's funny, sexy as hell, a heck of a nice guy, unmarried, good values, yadda yadda. (I don't think we'd do well as a couple, but things like crushes are seldom rational.) We've developed a really open friendship, so I up and told him that I'm really attracted to him -- not really as a come-on; he knows the situation with Dreamman, and we both recognize that the surest way to get animals to mate is to put them in the same cage (or on the same assembly line, as the case may be). Regardless, he said that I'm a nice gal, but he's not attracted to me. I was fine with that for like, 32 hours, and then I said to myself, "Well why the hell NOT? I'm not a supermodel, but I'm a barrel of laughs, and I have my share of good hair days!" So, now I'm jealous as hell of this new girl he met in the coffee shop, who apparently is sweet as her pecan pie, and I find myself getting all snippy and emotional over someone who wasn't even my boyfriend.

In the big picture, I see my crush on Manlyman as evidence that maybe I'm not meant to be with Dreamman, but deep down I know that my feelings for Dreamman keep me from going out and meeting people, and I suspect that I'll never find anyone I get along with so well. Is that what love is all about? Finding someone who knows you inside and out, faults and all, and who still loves you anyway? Someone who makes you laugh and listens to your hurts and -- although it isn't the romantic life you've dreamed of -- you know won't run out in a pinch? That's Dreamman all over, but where does the physical relationship come in? Is it okay to want a life without sex? I'm exhausted from thinking about it and leary of making a big move out west for something that might be the emotional equivalent of the twilight that is neither defeat nor victory.

--Nihilist

Dear Nihilist,

Weeeellll, I have to say I'm not so sure about this "moved past sex" idea. Even people who are into all that high-falutin' other-plane ethereal tantric stuff still, like, do it.

That's why I strongly suggest that you do not consider moving to Colorado without first talking to a pro (alone or, somehow, together) about what's missing.

Don't misunderstand: I'm not pronouncing you Not Normal. Nor can I say for sure whether what's "wrong" is grand, like some sort of sex-phobia or latent non-straight/vanilla sexuality on someone's part, or something bland, like "Honey, where did we put that spark?" Or neither: perhaps, at its core, this relationship is, as you say ... best friends. Because, apart from those situations where "friends" seems to mean "...except we can still sleep together," "friends" -- even/especially bestest ones -- don't, like, do it. Very strictly speaking, it (it) is what makes the person you're in the same bed with different from the people you hang out with.

So no matter whether or not the "lack of rumpus" is a Problem, I will say this: it's a cryin' shame. I understand the rareness and fondness in much of what you two peas share, but one of the perks is that you do get to do more in that pod than sit primly side byside. To suggest otherwise, to say/imply that "everything's fine ...'except in the bedroom'" is an excuse-phemism. "The bedroom" is not a lean-to in the vacant lot next door; it's part of your house.

Nihilist, here's the thing: I want you to have passion everywhere in your life. Why are you drawn to Manlyman? Almost a no-brainer. Not only do you crave sparky attention/tension at home, heck, you also crave it at work. "Soul-sucking job?" I say that's not good enough for you either, sweepea. In love and work -- verily, in your soul -- I don't want you to play it safe and still and small, standing in one place, taking whatever rides down the belt and assembling it into something you can make work. That "spirit" you talk about? Free it. That barrel of laughs? Spill it. Do it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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