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Dear Breakup Girl,

There's nothing wrong with my relationship. Really, there isn't. My boyfriend is loving and doting and would do anything for me. We buy each other little unexpected gifts. "It's all good," as he would say. He's really the first person I've seriously dated and DEFINITELY the first guy I've fell for/had fall for me. He told me he loved me before we ever went out. All that just makes me feel wonderful, especially considering that guys have always told me how ugly and fat I am (10 pounds over weight...can it really show that much?) and how I probably will never get a date. That happened from grade school through high school.

So, this guy asks me out and I really wanted him to. And now he's just a normal part of my life. I gained a lot of self esteem back, got involved in stuff at school, had tons of fun, made more friends (that weren't attached to him particularly), stayed involved into college (I'm a freshman now), and generally did a bunch of good stuff to my life in the time since that day he asked me out.

But now I have to start wondering if what those people used to say is true. Why? Well, whatever I had in high school is gone. The girls on my floor make fun of me. No other guys are actually interested (it feels good whether I'm attached or not), and it has occurred to me that none of the girls my guy has dated in the past before me were pretty in the least. Some were downright horrible. Where does that leave me? Does that mean I am, too? Am I as bad as that 300 pounder with the big wart on her nose? I know my guy has insecurities, too, and maybe those are making him date people that aren't perfect. (I think he thinks he's unattractive because he IS overweight but I don't care. He's more cuddly that way.) He also says he doesn't find the same things attractive in people that others do (he thinks supermodels and popular people are ugly.) Me, I think those same things, but it's not a turnoff kind of thing; I just usually see peoples' personalities as being more important than their looks!

You're probably wondering what the question is. Well ... I don't want a guy dating me because I'm ugly and unpopular and therefore will probably be nicer to him (especially after it's been two years.) My self esteem has been GREAT for those two years, but maybe it could be without him. I feel his past relationships were so damn ugly that they're putting a stigma on me, and I would be better off not having to think about it. But wait, this is a good relationship aside from that. If I hadn't been made fun of when I was younger this wouldn't be an issue at all. HELP!

--Annie

Dear Annie,

Oh, sweetie. Are you sure those girls on your floor aren't in high school? When people tease you, sticks and stones and broken bones actually start to sound pretty good. So no wonder you're having flashbacks. And no wonder those flashbacks are tossing flares of doubt into your current relationship. Especially because so much of your hard-earned self-esteem is apparently still tethered to your boyfriend.

But kiddo, listen. Let's say that you, for whatever reason, tended to date overweight guys. Let's say you happened to know that this guy wrote to me to say that he doesn't want a girl dating him because he's ugly and will therefore probably be nicer to her. You'd be all, "Hold the phone! You're more cuddly that way! It's all good!"

Let's even say, worst case scenario, that he did date all those girls because they were "downright horrible." It's still just as possible that you represent a new leaf, the first day of the rest of his love life, the very first first non-Charity Case. Not so uncommon: "I dated meanies until you; I dated shallow hosers until you..." etc. Remember: he didn't say you're downright horrible. All those meanies and shallow hosers did.

I'm not going to say, "Don't let those stupid girls bother you," 'cause, well, as if. But don't let it bother you that they bother you, 'cause, well, duh! Though I will ask: is there any way you could move out of -- forgive me -- Bitch Hall? Don't think for a second that you won't have to suffer in some sort of penitent silence. No, they won't all be the same everywhere else; I mean, didn't you think at one past point that all boys would be the same -- i.e. not interested? -- everywhere else? So make some calls.

Anyway, again, I can see why you're revisiting your grade school through high school past, but please, oh please, don't bother visiting your boyfriend's. It's just so not useful. I really do get the feeling you guys truly dig each other "for who you are" -- which does include inside and out. So I am begging you to do everything in your power -- which, I promise, is formidable -- not to go back down that dark alley of self-doubt. Hey, how about visiting the part of your past where you got involved in stuff at school, had tons of fun, made more friends, and generally did a bunch of good stuff to your life? That really wasn't a random turn, Annie. Also, revisit your first sentence.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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