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Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I had an amazing relationship for past nine months. He treated me like a queen, and our relationship was pretty serious. The problem is that I graduated from college in the summer and had to leave Lebanon and come back to Jordan, where I come from. He's studying medicine at the American University of Beirut (where I graduated from) and has three more years to go. Breaking up was our decision but, to tell you the truth, we're not acting like exes usually act; we're just fooling ourselves. We're in contact everyday; the feelings are there; nothing has changed except the geography. I've been out of Beirut for the past month and a half until I visited last weekend, and I was shocked when my "ex" told me that this girl is hitting on him big time and that they danced erotically at a club the weekend before I arrived. He explained that it was purely physical. My girlfriends saw him dancing erotically too and were shocked, but the good thing is that he told me first.

We also discussed the way our relationship was going, and he told me that at some point he could see our love fading, especially because I might be immigrating to the US next year. I'm madly in love with him, and I believe he is in love with me, too, but he needs his girl to be around him for support. Since he has four more years to go, he's so scared of committing. I suggested that we break up the right way -- taking our distance -- because we're both too dependent on each other, but he refused.To him this is not a solution, especially because he's under a lot of pressure in medical school, and it hurts him to loose contact. At the same time, I can't just be his friend. What am I supposed to do? I'm so confused and hurt from his act of dancing like this, but to him, this is not a mistake, it's just having fun. Shall I cut contact or what? He's been sending me e-mails since I left (two days ago), but I haven't responded yet. He feels that I need to open up to him. Tell me what to do; I'm totally lost!

--Lara

Dear Lara,

This one isn't so much about which choice to make; it's about making an choice -- whichever -- and then taking the actions necessary to make it stick. You're right: if you break up, you need distance. If you make up, he needs distance ... between himself and Club Clinger. And you'd need to figure out, methodically and openly, how to bridge the distance between you. I know how much being apart and / or breaking up hurts ... but that's part of the territory, Lara, not necessarily evidence against a decision's wisdom. And I promise you, living in limbo -- territory with unclear, even disputed, boundaries -- hurts way, way worse. So do whatever you can to sign some sort of pact, knowing that each of you will have to make some concession in the process. Sometimes, it's not as important to have everything you want, all at once, as it is to have peace.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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