< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm 31 and have been single for four years. The problem is that I don't want to be single anymore. The figure alone -- four years! -- is horrible at the moment. From time to time, I have loved my "singlehood" (not even wanting someone to come near me) while other times I could die to be really, really close to someone.

I am great at coping on my own; I'm known to many as "I can do it myself" regarding absolutely everything. I have really started to like myself, which should help. Not like, "I'm perfect," rather "I'm tremendously not-so-perfect, but I love me because I'm me." I'm secure and safe. I'm doing quite all right financially and have a good job. In not-so-many words, there is nothing really wrong with me; I even look OK, but I don't seem to be able to get a date! I'd love for someone to ask me out, to show some interest in me, to seek my companionship -- anything -- but it doesn't seem to happen! (Not totally true. It has happened twice during these years, but I wasn't even remotely interested in any of these guys. Neither of them had a life of his own.)

Why is it that I attract almost no one, but, when I do, there isn't even the slightest tick? Is it that I'm "holding back" something? Am I scaring men off? If so, in what way? I know that, in many cases, people see me as a very steady and secure (far more so than I have ever felt) person. Also, I have never really been in love with someone -- never had the feeling of "Yes, I want to spend my life with you" -- although I have had longer relationships and been engaged (was awfully young at that time). I sometimes think that maybe I can't fall in love, and that that fact somehow shows? At the same time, there are many people in my life whom I love deeply and truly. Maybe you've got some tips on how to, like, create something?

--Anna-K

Dear Anna-K,

I know, it's a totally tough call. If we act like we need/don't need men, we scare them off.

So which is it gonna be?

Well, my guess is that for you -- much like for the Ya-Ya daughter above -- this whole thing needn't be at the level of "Woe is me; I cannot love." Of course, once you start measuring singleness in years, you do start measuring hopelessness in...Ya-Ya daughters. Of course it smarted that those two guys didn't spark. Of course you want the next one to be "Yesss!" or nothing. But at the risk of saying, "Aw, sport, you just haven't met the right guy!" ... well, you just haven't met the right guy. It's not that you can't fall in love, it's that you couldn't have fallen in love with anyone so far.

Which means, by the way, that you're doing better than you think. Many people who say they "could die to be really, really close to someone" go ahead and date people "without the slightest tick" just to go through the closeness motions. You didn't; you don't. Excellent etiquette! This bodes well.

So what you need to understand is that someone who can stand on her own two feet can also fall. The only thing that will show, Anna-K, is your thinking you "can't fall in love." You can step back and let someone with a life of his own say "Here, let me get that," not because you need it, but because he wants to. Also, if someone piques your interest, take it easy: all you need to look for -- at first -- is that "Yes, I want to spend my Happy Hour with you" feeling; maybe you could pipe up and ask him? That counts as "doing it yourself." If there's anything you're holding back, Anna, it's those polite invitations. Simple -- and creative -- as that.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >