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Shoutouts

To Bill from Wally:

Although the disclaimer BG provided ("I want to let you know that -- especially as far as your job is concerned -- whatever you say is totally fine by me") sounds reassuring on paper (or on the screen), you need to be careful how you voice it. She could misinterpret it as a threat. Imagine if the stranger standing behind you suddenly says, "I'm not going to kill you." Do you feel reassured or threatened? Similarly, if the boss said, "Would you like to go out with me? It WON'T effect your job," I would feel my job was threatened, more so than if the boss stopped after the question.

To Jill from Kary:

I went though a very similar experience with another Austrian Ph.D candidate whom I met through the internet. He asked me to edit his thesis (I also have a PhD), be his soul mate, dine with French wine, and go for paid trips. The physical part was as amazing as the emotional part. I was hurt when he pulled away, but I learned a good lesson similar to what Breakup Girl wrote: Hang in there and hang out with those who are secure enough to give a proposal only when they mean it instead of trying first to change you. My ex also wanted me to learn German. (I already speak three languages fluently.) The decent guys may not appear as flashy at first, but keep on looking if you are serious about love and marriage.

Also to Jill from Jane:

How many guys get enthusiastic about marriage right away, raise your hopes, and then dash them to the ground? Why? I don't really know, but most likely they, too, get caught up in the "Wow, this is unbelievable; I finally found my other half; it's finally happening in my life" feeling of meeting someone great. Then the Romance fades into a Relationship, or a Real-ationship, as one of my brilliant friends calls them. And while Romance is easy, Love is hard work. You have to both be working at it. I'm sorry that he's quit working at it, but look at it this way. If he didn't think you were great enough to get caught up in the whirlwind with in the first place, then he wouldn't have. So don't worry. One day when you're once again thinking "I can't believe this is happening;" it will be.

To Confused and Lost from Sharon:

Norway/US is not insurmountable: when my husband and I met online, he was in Finland while I was in the US; we had huge phone bills and lots of frequent flyer miles, not to mention some MAJOR culture shock when he moved here, but we managed. Wiccan/atheist: yes, there will be some compromises to make, especially if you have kids, but as long as you both can genuinely respect each other's beliefs, you can find ways to follow your separate paths together.

But 20-year-old university student who's never had a date/28-year-old worker, formerly married, with kid -- urp. With that much difference in experience, plus the distance, I have to agree with BG. Look around closer to home, see who's out there, get some experience in dating and relationships and working and living on your own. Then if you meet another person overseas who lights your fire, you'll be in a better position to decide whether it's worth trying to build a relationship across the Atlantic.

To E. from Washington Girl:

I happen to really like short guys; I'd like to tell you that short men have their admirers, too! I think you and I share some similar neuroses. I have insecurities too, even though I'm very skinny (which you say equals "attractive" in our society).

To Scott from Dee:

Maybe the "money" is not the issue here. I know that when my boyfriend and I do things, I like to plan something special for him as much as he likes to do for me. That's part of the fun of dates, being able to introduce the other person to things you like also. By your planning everything, she probably doesn't even get a say in what to do or get the opportunity to show you herself, know what I mean? In addition, sometimes when things are too perfect, it's not as much fun. She is no longer an active participant but a passive watcher, like the audience of a sports game, with no say in how things are going to go, no matter how much you laugh, cry, cheer, whatever. Sometimes she may want to plan or maybe even be spontaneous. Some of the better dates I've had sometimes are not the ones that were planned; sometimes they're not even "dates," just "let's hang out" sort of things with my boyfriend. Spontaneity is fun. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy. Don't worry about making everything "perfect."

Also to Scott from Acer:

You say that not only do you get to do the paying for your dates, but also that you get to do all the planning. Your girlfriend doesn't like this arrangement and offers to pay half the time. It sounds like you want to control her: "I enjoying arranging the minute details." "I do like to take charge of things." Bingo. I think your girlfriend got tired of you taking charge all the time, even on her own birthday. If at first she was going to have an evening with her family, friends, and you until you balked at that, then she rightly said she wanted just family for her birthday. When you said that she seems utterly clueless about how you feel about these issues, all I could think is that you are the one who doesn't care how she feels. BG is probably too kind of a superhero to tell you that you are not the sensitive prize you think you are.

To American Pig from Litcritter:

Two weeks? I don't care how good your therapist is; two weeks isn't long enough to accomplish anything. And your story clearly indicates a need for counseling of some kind. Lots of people cheat; lots of people get caught; and lots of people agonize when forced to choose between two attractive mates. And, unfortunately, lots of people have regrets once they've made their decision. But, if I'm counting right, you moved at least four times in three weeks while see-sawing back and forth between two women, and you've continued to try and keep both girls available to you. I've got a newsflash for you, American Pig: you can't win this one. You did something (actually, many things) regrettable, and you will have to live with the consequences and the regrets. Second newsflash: If you're agonizing over two women, trying to decide which one is The One, then neither of them is. Third newsflash: a woman who lets you get away with everything is not the one for you. Instead, try and find one who loves the things about yourself that you love, one who encourages you to be more of the man you want to be.

Also to American Pig from Been There:

I just can't be understanding here. HELLO? 10 months keeping another woman on the down low? That's the type of crap that gives men -- scratch that, humans -- a bad name. Geez, what a cake eater (as in having it and eating it along with another cupcake on the side)! Sure, I've done the ol' balancing act: Guy #1 is smart, sensitive, etc.; Guy #2 is hot like butta melting on the hood of a black mustang in the middle of summer...Like I said, everyone's been in that decision "hot seat," but after 10 months, d'uh! You know your arse is gonna get burned.

I hope he gets help because obviously there must have been something redeeming about him to attract two seemingly sane women (although SG's forgiveness gives me pause). I mean, I don't think he's evil incarnate -- much as I would like to -- but ten months! Make up your mind; move on WAY before 10 months have been wasted.

Argh. Okay, I've vented. Good luck to Sr. Porcine (please don't rebound on some other soul too soon), and keep up the super hero derring do, BG.

CONFIDENTIAL TO SCARED AND CONFUSED: Please, oh, please, seek help here right away. Trust me. Yes, love makes people do crazy things; but these crazy things are not love. I'm so sorry. Oh, and no, no, no: you did not cause this. But please do be reponsible for keeping yourself safe and sound, okay?

CONFIDENTIAL TO TIFFANY: Hey, kiddo, I bet the folks here -- Youth Crisis Hotline, 800-448-4663 -- will lend an ear. It's a safe place to talk where you can figure out how to deal.

CONFIDENTIAL TO ANDREW: Hard to tell from your letter whether what happened at the party was consenting or not; hard to tell in real life, for that matter. Talk to her. If you or she feels that she was taken advantage of in any way, you can both seek some guidance here. In any case, it does sound to me like she needs some sort of counseling -- and like it wouldn't hurt you to join her, just to figure out how to settle things between you. Bet those same people can help. Good luck.

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