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Dear Breakup Girl,

I got involved with a girl -- I'll call her Crazy Girl -- about three months ago. Crazy Girl is a friend of a friend; I've known her distantly for about a year and a half. We met up again in February and went out to dinner together (at her suggestion), and when I told her I was attracted to her, she said the feeling was mutual. This was despite the fact that I have a longtime girlfriend who I'm really confused about because she doesn't know whether she wants to ultimately marry me or not, and it's making me really frustrated. (I'm in my early thirties, have a great job, and want to get married and start a family in the not-too-distant future.) To make a long story short, Crazy Girl and I decided to get involved on a "casual" basis. We went out to dinner four more times over the next eight weeks or so (and slept with each other three of those four times, one of those times being some pretty seriously terrific sex; she has a fabulous body and is very sensual), and then pffffft -- no more.

Here's some background. BG, Crazy Girl is just that -- crazy. She thinks she loves men, but really I think she hates them or, at least, doesn't trust them ; her dad is apparently from Hell and has done some pretty awful things to her emotionally in the past. She's been honest about how much she likes to date different men, and how she's never had a relationship last for more than two and a half months because she gets claustrophobic. She's a graduate student right now but talks a lot about how much she parties and drinks, and I'm inclined to believe her. She's a pot smoker and even tried cocaine once. She's got a great job in another part of the U.S. for the summer (which is really tough to get in her field) and has basically said that she's planning on blowing it off so that she can spend a lot of time outdoors and partying. She claims to never attend her classes. She'd call me every week or two, and we'd get together, and then I wouldn't hear from her for another week at least. She'd occasionally cancel at the last minute. One time she even told me that she didn't feel well enough to see me, but she'd probably find the time that day to put in a vigorous workout. Sounds pretty awful, doesn't it? Especially because I am most assuredly a romantic and not a party animal. (I also hardly drink at all, maybe a glass of wine per week.)

What attracts me to Crazy Girl (aside from the undeniable thrill of her craziness) is that I think there's a wonderful woman lurking underneath this ridiculously messed up exterior. We'd have dinner together and talk about a lot of interesting and diverse issues. She'd let little things slip from time to time, like the fact that she actually does attend the majority of her classes and that the real reason she's taking that particular summer job is because her cousin is quite ill, and she wants to spend time with him. She's close to her dad and sister. She listens to jazz and reads classics. She's a very good friend to her friends, at least to the female ones. It's weird; it seems like she doesn't want people to know that there's this really valuable person hiding inside that screwy faÁade of hers. When we were together, we'd have a lovely time, and I felt like we really connected (not just physically); she seemed to let down her guard, and we'd have great talks.

The situation with Crazy Girl came to a head last week. She'd called me the week before (after being incommunicado for three weeks) and suggested doing something but then didn't ever call back, so I finally broke down and called her. (I try to let her call me, rather than vice versa, because otherwise I'd lose what little self-esteem I have left.) We started off the conversation with her asking me, as usual, how things were with my girlfriend; I've talked to her about the fact that I have serious doubts about my girlfriend. This time, I told Crazy Girl that I felt kind of uncomfortable talking to her about it, so she changed the subject ... to tell me that she's interested in a guy at school who has an on-again, off-again girlfriend. She told me they'd slept together once, two weeks before, and since then she'd been on an emotional roller coaster. She even admitted that she quite possibly only wanted to make him fall in love with her for her ego, which she acknowledged was a terrible thing. Help!

It's quite possible that in talking to me she thought she was sharing her thoughts with a friend with whom she'd just happened to have had sex. But it was pretty heartrending for me. Then, to make matters worse, she announced that she'd been celibate since the time she'd slept with this other guy, which was a big change from the "whoring around" she'd been doing during this school term. Excuse me? Turns out (at least so she claims, and I'm inclined to believe her), it's been normal for her to sleep with FOUR or FIVE men in a WEEK during this semester! She said she got a lot of spur-of-the-moment evening invitations to visit men and have sex with them, which she enjoyed. It makes me cringe to even think about it. At that point in the conversation, I asked her what exactly we'd been doing, that is, whether our activities were included in her "whoring around." Crazy Girl assured me that she didn't view our relationship in the same light at all, that it was different, at least in her opinion, and asked if I agreed. Of course I did.

Then we talked for a while more and made a date to go out in a couple of weeks (she has exams right now), but she said she didn't think she'd be feeling very physical, since she was doing the "celibacy" thing. Well, we said goodbye, and I hung up the phone and freaked out; what was I doing? Twenty minutes later, I called her back and said that I couldn't see her anymore, physical relations or not. I actually told her that I felt I was getting a little too attached to her, which she said she hadn't realized, and she apologized for talking about this guy she was interested in (but not, interestingly enough, for talking about her "whoring"). She asked me to call her if I changed my mind because she'd still love to see me and said she'd call before she went away for the summer. We hung up. I have absolutely no idea whether she'll actually call me or not.

BG, I think about Crazy Girl all the time. I wonder what I could have done differently that would have made her fall passionately in love with me, change her "wicked ways," and permanently set free that wonderful woman whom I think is lurking inside her. (I know she still wouldn't be perfect, but? I want to think that our relationship was special in some way to her and that it could still have potential. I wonder if I should call her and try to be just her friend and hope that she'll change? Should I wait and see if she calls me, and if she does, should I ask her to hang out with me some evening? Or should I do what would probably be the smart thing (I'm saying this but I don't really believe it): run as fast as I can in the opposite direction?

So what do you think about this situation? Is there any chance that Crazy Girl actually feels something for me? Is there any way I can possibly make a relationship (platonic or otherwise) work with Crazy Girl? I feel extraordinarily hollow and sad.

--The Hollow Man

PS: I realize that I've said very little about my girlfriend. I think that's because I'm pretty sure that the relationship has been drifting away for the last several months, and that sometime soon I've got to call it quits. It is a most unfortunate thing that any involvement with Crazy Girl happened before I got it together enough to break up with my girlfriend. At any rate, please try to cut me some slack on the girlfriend issue, whether I deserve it or not.

Dear Hollow Man,

Everyone get the Knightingale factor (see #3, in intro) here? For whatever reason, CG's obviously working the bad girl thing. I'm sure she's wonderful in there somewhere, HM, but frankly, she'll show it when she wants to, not when you pull the sword from the stone. Which, duh, is not a crusade you're supposed to be on while Princess Waffle's still pacing at the castle.

Still, slack-cuttage granted. I know you're capable of feeling bad about the girlfriend thing all by yourself. But you realize, of course, that your girlfriend is more than a matter of a buried lede and a postscript. I mean, of course you're extra-crazy for Crazy Girl. Between your girlfriend and CG, it's drift vs. pull, tidepool vs. whirlpool. Which is more compelling, more thrilling? You're trying to get someone to settle down with and for you; as projects go, the CG one has way more sizzle. But even that one's tanking. So of course you feel hollow and sad. Of course.

Now what? Well, I cut you some slack, but I didn't give you a royal You Don't Have to Deal decree. Handle the girlfriend first, Hollow. This is a carrot I really shouldn't hold out, but I dare say you don't have a prayer with Crazy until you settle with Confused. Your perspective, your footing, your conscience: none will be pure and clear until your slate is. Let the dust settle, and then see how much work you're really willing to do on the CG thing. Because that said/carrot held, I'm still not sure CG is going to come through for you. Or let me put it this way: you feel hollow, but you aren't. I'd rather you find a partnership where what's inside does more than lurk.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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