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Dear Breakup Girl,

A mutual friend just told me that I totally misunderstood my ex-girlfriend's expectations of our relationship. I thought she wanted to get hitched eventually, but all she wanted was a stable relationship...never mind if it ever got to marriage or not. I'm so despondent, BG. I misinterpreted so many things about her. I said a lot of terrible things I didn't even mean. Now, she won't speak to me, which is but natural. The biggest problem about this is that my CHILD wants her back. (I'm talking in terms of transactional analysis here. Your resident psychiatrist will know what I'm talking about.) My PARENT disapproved of her, and my ADULT was too weak and wasn't emancipated to fight for her. My friends say that I should get on with my life, but I just feel so guilty about the pain I caused her, and I still love her. She was my first girlfriend, and I don't know when I'll get over this. I also wish I could somehow get her back. I plan to invite her out to dinner after New Year's to make peace (and I'm hoping she'll give me another chance). BG, do I have a chance of getting her back? If so, how can I do it? Should I just chalk it all to experience and date other women? Is it possible by some crazy twist of fate we'll get back together, just like the way we met in the first place? I'm really going nuts here. Lost weight, can't sleep, can't eat, the classic signs of guilt and self-loathing. HOW DO I GET BETTER?

-- Ramon

Dear Ramon,

I am truly sorry about your family's loss. But our resident Belleruth is here to tell your Adult that he needs to run the show, which should go something like this: "Ramon, do what you can to get on with it. Indeed, it will hurt for a while, but press on. Trust that in the future you'll find someone else, by which time, hopefully, you'll have learned how not to do a total Child reprise. If you were to hook up again with this ex (though alas, there's no reason to think she'll have you back), your Critical Parent will step ominously out of his den, ready to ground you, and there you'll be, back in the transactional soup. So... keep on stepping and tell your Child that he really will survive this sadness and self-reproach -- especially if he decides to grow and learn from this episode." And now Breakup Girl, who is her Parent's daughter, will add: "Please try to eat, some [non-transactional] soup, maybe. You'll feel better."

Love,
Breakup Girl

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