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Dear Breakup Girl,

Starting from the beginning: IndecisiveGuy dated TevaGirl for seven years, the last three of which he suffered from depression. From what I'm told, the depression was hard on TevaGirl (didn't like seeing IG hurting, IG was not always pleasant to be around), and, when it appeared that IG wasn't taking care of himself about it, she moved 1,000 miles away. Shortly thereafter, IG's depression peaked; he sought intense treatment, is still in therapy, and has been on the road to recovery ever since.

Four months after his breakdown, 11 months after his breakup, seven months ago, he met me. He was wary, at first, about being in a relationship -- still healing his mind and his heart -- but he couldn't stay away. We've spent almost every night together since.

As time passed, I began seeing visions of him coaching me through labor, taking our kids to the park, deciding what color to paint the living room, even sitting on a porch [See "The Porch Test." -- BG] together after the kids have grown, while he began to feel more and more trepidation about continuing to see me.

First, he's not completely comfortable with closing the door on TevaGirl. (They've continued to talk throughout.)

Second, he's not completely comfortable with opening the door to a potentially lifelong, committed relationship.

My interpretation -- and I'll understand if you're prone to thinking it's not objective, even though I like to think I'm both rational AND informed (IG is very open and honest about sharing what's going on in that beautiful head of his) enough to make a fair conclusion -- is that he doesn't want to say goodbye to a seven year investment because

A) he's not certain that the last years that he and TevaGirl spent together are "accurate data" to make a judgment on, given his depressed state,

B) after seven years, your lives (friends, family) are awfully entwined and mean more than saying goodbye to just that ONE person,

C) he doesn't want to hurt TevaGirl, especially since he'd already put her through a lot,

D) (here's where my psychoanalysis comes in) he doesn't want to make a step in the Grown Up direction (he has an aversion to growing old and leaving his supposed "freedom" behind)

and E) he's Indecisive Guy! The man waffles over menus at restaurants fearing that he'll make the wrong decision; you think he can make a decision that he'll have to deal with for longer than the length of a meal?

At the same time that IG can't say goodbye to TevaGirl, he can't say goodbye to me, either. He has nothing but praise for me, saying that I'd make the perfect wife and mother, that there's nothing he wants that I don't have, that I make him feel special, that he always wants to be with me, and that he wants me to be happy more than anything...But alas, it doesn't seem to be enough to cue up the closing credits on him and TevaGirl.

I can understand the "not readiness" and can give him some time on that (we're both 29), but I've told him I can't continue to see someone who still toys with the idea of a future with someone else.

Being the kindhearted, sensitive IG he is, he seems to be looking for a clean and easy answer to this question. I've warned him that despite his best intentions and unwillingness to hurt anyone, someone will have to hurt.

He's confused, and the "torn between two lovers" thing is tearing him apart. He's asked me how you go about making a decision like this. Here's where I'm hoping you can come in.

You'll probably suggest that he spend time away from us both. Beyond that, though, I'm hoping that you might be able to offer up some questions he must answer for himself in order to arrive at just where his priorities lie and what he wants. Here's to hoping you can cut through the confusion and boil it down to the basics like you always do.

--Chosen One Wannabe

Dear IndecisiveGuy,

Questions for review:

• Sure, we've been talking, but does TevaGirl want me back in the first place?
• Am I still vaguely velcroed to TevaGirl out of a sense of (a) unfinished business, or (b) future promise? [Also see "The Porch Test."]
• Do I get that the real Grownup step is not to make a tough decision, but to figure out how to live with/beyond it serenely?
• Do I think that Wannabe will actually go through with her ultimatum, or can I coast indefinitely?
• If I'm committed to actually making this tough decision at some point, why didn't I write to BG myself?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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