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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

If one's girlfriend asks one's permission to "mess around" with another girl, how should one reply?

A little history: Five years ago, I had an on-and-off relationship with a wonderful young woman; we'll call her Abby. Despite the rocky relationship, I truly loved Abby, and she loved me. One day, she confessed to me -- I was her closest friend --that she felt an attraction to a mutual, female friend. I shrugged it off and actually thought that it was sort of cool. Later, Abby asked me whether or not she should explore these feelings and fool around with another girl. Being the open-minded college student that I was, I thought it wasn't a bad idea and told her so.

You can guess what happened next. She got her hair cut short, began wearing sensible shoes, stopped dating me, and began dating women. I was devastated and ashamed. I had thought that sort of thing only happened on sitcoms and Jerry Springer. I became terribly depressed, nearly failed out of school, and generally hated my life. But eventually (read: about two years later), I pulled myself back together and regained some semblance of a life. I rediscovered my friendship with Abby; she and I are once again good friends.

Enter the new girl; we'll call her Joanna. I met her after recovering from Abby and was magnetically attracted to her. We began spending time together, had a whirlwind romance, and started dating. I rediscovered feelings of love that I had thought were forever buried. We've now been dating for about fourteen months, and I've never been so happy for such a long period of time. I love her with all my heart and soul; we continually buy each other gifts just because each of us likes seeing the other happy. We constantly say that we love each other. I still have the endless fascination with her that I had when we first began dating. She claims (convincingly!) to feel the exact same way about me. But...

She has, once or twice, expressed attraction to another girl. As with Abby, I simply smiled, said something witty, and shrugged it off. I've (since Abby) read quite a bit on the topic of homosexuality and understand that it is normal for a person to have occasional homosexual thoughts. But earlier this week, Joanna asked me (via e-mail) if I'd mind if she fooled around with another girl. I thought she was joking. I wrote something funny back (along the lines of, "Remember what happened the last time my girlfriend did that?"), and forgot about it. But today she called me and told me that she was serious. She has been propositioned by a girl at school (I've since graduated and am living in a nearby city) and wants to try it out. She's planning to do it soon. She won't tell me who with.

I feel as if the world has been yanked out from under my feet. I'm lost and confused. Long-forgotten feelings of loss and shame are beginning to surface once again. I don't want her to do it, but if I tell her so, she'll resent me for telling her what to do and might very well do it anyway.

I'm a good person to have as a boyfriend. I'm smart, funny, well educated, considerate, loving, and not bad-looking. I'm trying to figure out what I could possibly have done in a past life to warrant this. And I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say to my girlfriend. I love her. I don't want to lose her.

--Mere Mortal Guy

Dear Mere Mortal Guy,

Hoo boy. Listen. Lightening-up does not have to strike twice in the same place.

Now, BG is all in favor of sexual expression and exploration. But: just because lesbians are the new straight people and it's all cool and hip to "experiment" doesn't mean that it's incumbent upon boyfriends to consider such a proposal acceptable as some sort of juicy monogamy-plus. I can see why some guys wouldn't mind, and why you might not have minded the first time --  but if you mind now, that's fine.

In a bizarre way -- and I say this really just for the sake of argument -- let's hope that Joanna, too, is using you as the Spring(er)board to a whole new lifestyle. Because I would much rather hear that she --  as Abby seems to have been --  is sincerely struggling with and exploring some unfamiliar, serious, and compelling feelings. As opposed to -- given that she knows what you went through before -- insensitively subjecting you to what might otherwise be frivolous hormonal escapade that could just as easily hover in the realm of fantasy. So I'll assure you again as entitled as she might be, at least in theory, to explore, you are just as entitled to tell her how and why that hurts. If you intend to work through this, no matter what she does, that's the conversation you'll need to start with. And I promise that if you lose her over this, it will not be because you stood in the way of her needs, it will be because you stood up for yours.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Runner-up

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have never had a long-term girlfriend. That means that I've never had a girlfriend longer than two days. (I'm saying that with a straight face, unfortunately.) I realize that it sounds rather funny. I guess that I should just start at the beginning.

In junior high, I had a crush on a girl who I will name Cynthia. The problem is that this girl actually hated me. I knew this at the time and like an idiot I didn't give up. Cynthia and the rest of the girls forged a letter stating that she wanted to go out with me. I knew that it was forged so I didn't do anything about it. That still didn't change my feelings for her. For some reason, I had hope that she would change her mind about me some day. I don't know if this had anything to do with my feelings but my parents were in the early stages of divorce when this was happening. Being an only child, there was no one to talk to at home to get my mind off of the yelling so I was depending on a social life at school to help me. Anyway, one day a girl came up to me in class and told me that Cynthia wanted to go out with me. I knew that she was lying, so I put on a smile and said, "Ya." It was an empty smile, but I wasn't lying when I said yes because I still had that small glimpse of hope that I was wrong about her lying to me. I didn't do anything to show that I was actually hoping. My bet was still on the lie.

Later on, another girl came up to me while I was talking to a teacher. She said the same thing right in front of the teacher. I said the same thing as before, but I looked rather confused. The teacher smiled and was happy for me. At this time, I was second-guessing my original evaluation and was feeling pretty good, perhaps I was wrong. Since this was Junior high, we still had recess. I was playing hockey in the upper gym. Right when the teacher in charge told us that time was up and to put back all of our equipment, a different girl came up and asked me the same question. This question was returned with the same answer but with more intention. She started to walk away, and I stayed behind and was putting my stuff away. That same girl came back and asked me, "Don't you want to sit by her?" At that moment, I had a sincere smile. She was leading me down to the lower gym when I saw the girl sitting down with every girl in my class around her. I knew then that something was wrong, but I couldn't abort because all of the girls were watching me. I sat down by the girl and said, "Hi, Cynthia." At that point, giggles started to grow into loud laughs. After about a few seconds, Cynthia started to laugh. I looked up, and they were all either giggling or laughing. The kind of laugh that told me, "Sucker." At that moment, I felt that feeling that someone just punched you in the stomach. I couldn't say a thing. For about ten seconds, I was just sitting down and looking up at all of them laughing at me. Some of them wouldn't look at me, but they didn't hesitate to smile and giggle. I felt that if I did anything else but smile and walk away that it would give them more satisfaction. With all of this going on, I slowly stood up and smiled and moved my lips to imitate a quiet laugh. I don't know how I got that smile. Even today, I can't smile about that when I think about it.

I walked away about 10 steps to get by the doors of the gym so that when they let us out I wasn't the last one. I don't know why I didn't skip the rest of the 5 hours of school. I just didn't want to show that I was hurting. At the last hour of school, I was showing a glow underneath my eyes. I was trying so hard not to. I was trying so hard to concentrate on school, but it wasn't working. I was squeezing my hand so hard that knuckles were popping. That last bell ring was such a relief. I didn't go back to my locker. I found the nearest exit and walked home. My mom and dad weren't at home. Dad was going to be at work for longer than usual and mom was out of town. I remember when I opened the door to our house. It was quiet and dark. That's when I broke down crying. I was curled up on the floor. And that's the last thing I remembered before my dad woke me up.

He asked me how my day was, and I told him that I had a pretty average day. I didn't want to tell him about it at first because of pride, but I gave up and told him later that night. He just told me that it was just a stage that girls go through. I believed him, but it didn't do my feelings any good. I just fell asleep early that night and didn't want to wake up.

The next morning I went to school like any other day with the words of my dad. I still had hope that things might improve over time. Things didn't improve. The girls showed me more ways in which they were discontent with me. Another recess moment was when I was shooting basketball by myself and missed a shot and the ball bounced right towards two girls in my class. They had their own basketball and were comparing it to mine to see which one was better. In the end, theirs was better so one of them threw my ball clear across the gym.

In high school, I never did have a date for the prom or homecoming, despite myasking 14 girls. Yes, 14 girls (over a two year period). They weren't even in the same class as I was. I was interested in all of these girls.

Girls never did come up to me and talk. They never did smile or say hi when in or out of school. Mom and Dad wanted me to have a date or at least try. Every time I asked, I got some sort of lie. One of the girls told me that she wasn't going to have a date for the prom. Alas, the prom video showed otherwise. One girl never answered me. Four girls had the EXACT same answer. When I came home I just told dad that I forgot to ask for some reason. I just couldn't tell my dad that I couldn't get a date if my life depended on it. When it came to road trips, I was never invited. It wasn't because of the boys, either. I got along with them OK.

It got so bad that one of the girls told me to leave their school. I tried to figure out what was wrong, and I asked the boys, and they were like me, baffled. I don't swear or use profane language. I was told by one of my friends that maybe I was too shy. One of the boys even asked the girls directly why they didn't like me. She told him that they couldn't find a reason to like me. She did this in front of me.

During my freshman year, my parents got divorced. I lived with my dad because he wasn't taking the divorce very well. My mom was taking it better. It was because of my dad that I didn't move away from the small town that had the school I so hated. I never did want to go to school. I played sick to get away from school. I hid from my classes. I never did study, but I got decent grades. My main reason to get the grades was because I thought staying another year at my hometown was too much. Graduation was my favorite day in high school. Nothing was better than knowing that it was over. All the times I lied to my dad about being sick to save me from going to school. It was all over.

College seemed to be in another country than high school. Girls would smile and say hello to me. In just two months of being in college, there was this girl, Mary, who got along with me just great. We were actually dating, which was a thing I only heard about. When we first kissed, it was the only moment in my life that felt content. It was the one moment that I forgot all about my past. Mom could tell that something happened by my mood. I thought it was going great then suddenly I got a phone call from Mary telling me that it would be best if we didn't get close. She told me that she didn't want a boyfriend. Within two weeks, she was engaged. I stayed friends with her for some reason. She always came to me to talk about her troubles with her fianc? I didn't think she knew how much that hurt. I didn't say anything to her about it. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what say. Later I felt betrayed. I didn't date for another 4 months. I dated a girl that was more interested in the club she was in than any potential relationship. She told me after our first date that she didn't want a boyfriend and that she felt it was better not to lead me astray. We remained friends until she left for another college when she found her boyfriend. She didn't have much time for me when that happened and stop sending me e-mails. That didn't feel too good to say the least.

I knew that love just happens but it also seemed that it didn't happen. I guess that I was just learning the facts of life or dating at that time. That summer, I became involved with an another girl, Joan. She and I started to talk together. We also chatted almost every other day. She told me how my situation with the opposite sex was just like hers. It was a bonding moment. After about 4 months, I started to feel more for her than just a friend. I didn't tell her about it though because I feared that she wouldn't feel the same way for me. She seemed to share the same feelings, but when I finally asked her, she told me that she could never see me as a boyfriend. She got mad at me and wouldn't talk to me for a while. This time I didn't go back to school. It was too late to withdraw from my classes so I got F's in them. I was at the point that I slept in the entire day(s).

My parents were not happy with me, but this time I did tell them what went on. They lightened up a little on me. When I was at the campus to discuss my situation with my advisor, I saw this girl. I don't know what was with me, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I knew just by the way she walked that she was gentle, kind, and sweet. I had to see this girl, Kate. I saw her again about a week later, and we just talked. The second time I saw her, I asked her out, and she said a resounding yes. I felt so much better. We had been dating for about two weeks when she told me that she didn't want to have a relationship. I still asked her for dates and off and on we still went out as platonic friends. I still felt that we had a chance. I sent her flowers and other gifts throughout the 6 months. But, all good things must end. After about a year of off and on dating, a friend of hers and a friend of mine recently told me that Kate had found a boy who was perfect. She said that Kate liked me also, but just not like she liked him.

After that, I decided to give up on dating. I went outside late at night and cried out, "Why?" I guess that I was foolishly hoping that I would get a great booming voice from the sky telling me the answer. The only answer I got was that hope really does let a person down. I figured that nothing is going to change. Every time I see a girl that I'm attracted to I just say to myself, "She will just be like the others" so I go on without saying a thing to her. My friends say that there's a perfect match for everybody. I've been told the famous analogy, "There are a lot of fish in the ocean." I am getting very tired of being told that. I've been told that there's a girl out there for me. I just ask them which telescope they used to see her withäthe Hubble? I believe that things happen in cycles for very good reason. I mean if there was one, just one girl that would say she would like to be with me or even call me and say, "I miss you." Before Cynthia, all I wanted was just to find a girl who would be there. Now, I can't keep a smile on my face when a girl says that she likes me just as a friend or that she just doesn't want a boyfriend right now. Tell me, is there any good reason in my past why I should have faith that a girl will just be there. I think that I've seen enough proof on why that won't happened.

--No Hope

Dear No Hope,

Oh, kiddo. Here is your great booming voice: "NO, THERE IS NO 'REASON' TO HAVE FAITH ... BUT THAT IS PRECISELY THE PROOF-PROOF NATURE OF FAITH. And yes, your past certainly provides ample 'evidence' that Ms. More-Than-Friends is not just going to show up on your doorstep. Or that if she does, she's just going to make fun of you and go off and giggle with her friends. Which is to say: sheesh, yeah, that evil Cynthia forgery business sure would give anyone authentic scars. But sweetie, there's a great booming difference between hoping, which I recommend, and pinning hopes, which I don't. See, each of the not-so-near misses in your past just serves to make the next 'This'll be the one' try -- especially if it tanks --  that much more great-booming significant. So I think you definitely should have, first, please, a pro in your present, and faith in your future. Hopeless? No. The great big prom video in the sky shows otherwise."

Love,
Breakup Girl

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