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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm a college student in a relationship with a man about ten years older than I am. Neither of us considers that a problem: I'm pretty mature for my age, and while he's had more sexual experiences, the number and intensity of our past relationships are about equal. My problem is that I feel like I'm putting more effort into this than he and that I'm not sure that my requests/actions are reasonable. I'm afraid that I've been going a bit overboard. I'll give you the two situations: one's pretty frivolous and livable, the other could present real problems.

1. He wears "tighty-whiteys." Eek. I've always associated those with my father and brother, and they're just Not Sexy on the whole. I brought it up, in a half-joking way, and he just shrugged and said that they're cheaper than boxer-briefs (which I adore on guys) and that I'm the only one seeing them so it doesn't matter. Now I think that it's a sign of caring and respect to want to look desirable for the other person: if he had a particular style of women's lingerie that he liked, I'd definitely try it out to see if I liked it on me. If I hated it, then I wouldn't keep wearing it, but I'd at least try. He thinks that it's only the woman's "responsibility" to be "decorative." (He is neat and well-groomed, FYI. Hygiene's not the issue.) But that I can live with. The briefs don't stay on long, anyway.

2. The other problem is his snoring. He snores. Loudly. I sleep very lightly. He's apparently had other complaints from previous girlfriends but never done anything about it. He doesn't seem particularly motivated to do anything about it now, either. When we're sleeping in the same place, I either have to go sleep in the living room or get about an hour, tops. I prodded him to get some antihistamines, and the one night he used them, he barely snored at all. I was ecstatic! Then he started "forgetting" to take them. Is he being passive-aggressive about this for some reason? He really is absent-minded about things. Am I being unreasonable to prod him about this? It really is a problem for me; I get horrible when I haven't had any sleep. I gave him an ultimatum yesterday -- do something about the snoring or I won't sleep over any more -- and I feel awful about it.

So, am I out of line? Am I justified or just being a nag? I don't want to have this end over something so stupid as his snoring, but I don't understand why he's not putting any effort into solving the problem.

--Young'un.

Dear Young'un,

Just so you all know, BG is not going to take any sort of position of her own on the briefs v. boxers debate. Look what happened when Oprah took a position on meat.

First, practical answers:

1. I'm slightly rattled about this woman-as-"decorative" business, but why not try this: be acquisitive and buy him a few pairs of the kind you like. He says he's pinching pennies; heck, maybe he just hates to shop. If they don't stick, then drop it; look the other way when he drops trou.

2. Snoring.

You can, on account of it doesn't look like he will. No, he really doesn't seem like a leap-out-of-bed/briefs at your beck and call kind of guy. Now, wearing the whities may be a matter of taste, but ignoring the snoring is darn-near inconsiderate. That's why your "ultimatum" isn't, like, dramatic; it's logical. So don't lose sleep over feeling awful. You need your rest, and you're not getting it with him. Which is going to have to mean -- not as a strategy, but as reality --  that until he gets a little responsible, he's not getting any. You should neither decorate nor manipulate, but that and plan 1 just might work. If not, Young'un, take a closer look: is he dozing through the whole relationship on the couch in his underwear?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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