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Dear Breakup Girl,

I really wanted to give you some free time and applied the Millennium Test. Didn't work yet. So here goes.

Three years ago, I met that guy. That is: I've known him for four years because he was the boyfriend of a schoolmate. As schoolmate gossip goes, I knew quite a lot about him before I really met him in person. He's 42; I'm 27. I knew that he liked latex...in bed. I thought: Why don't you try it? We came together. I tried it. And -- since this is a family column -- well, it has something. I felt sexy, all packed up in clingy black. We did just "normal" clothes at first, but then he wanted to wear a head-mask. I declined. He was like, "No prob, tell me when you're ready."

We slept less together. I asked if my reluctance with more adventurous clothing had something to do with it. He said no. Nevertheless, I went into hysterical fits and asked the "is-it-me-or-the-latex-thing-you-love" question. He always told me that it was me he loved and that he'd love me even without the rubber thing. We slept even less together.

Over the last two years, we've slept together a total of three times.

Why do I stay with him? He believes in me in times that I don't. He runs me a bath when I come home tired from work and cooks for me every night (which is important because he won't do movies, parties, or the theatre). When I do the Millennium Test, I'm like, "No, not with that guy. I miss too much." But, but, but ... I mean, there are couples who don't have sex for YEARS because they want to wait till they're married.

Long story, short question: This guy is -- outside of the bedroom -- everything your average girl longs for in a man (except for the small facts that he won't go out at night, sleep with me, or even talk about it). Are these reasons to leave someone?

-- A Millennium Question That's Not

Dear A Millennium Question That's Not,

Well, this is a latex question that's not. Hey, what you do with polymers is your business. But when you're not getting busy at all, that's mine.

Look, I totally hear that he believes, bathes, bakes. All delightful.

But "sidetracks?" "Small facts?" Hello. He is taking care of you ... his way. Sweetie, you sleep together 0.66 times a year and talk about it zero. And it's not like it's his busy, vibrant social and entertainment schedule that leaves you two with no QT alone together. Those couples who wait? They decide to together. Unrelated.

Bottom line: this "outside the bedroom" thing is often a false dichotomy. The bedroom is not some detached thing like a porn set. Your bedroom is part of your house.

All of which is to say: yes, ma'am. Since you asked, these are "reasons." You're not seeing them; you're suffocating. So if you don't deal with them as such, well, are you sure you aren't wearing that mask?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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