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In honor of National Coming Out Day:

Dear Breakup Girl,

There's this girl that I've been crushing on for about 6-7 years now and have recently become friends with. Well, I never thought I had a chance with her because I thought she was totally straight. (I am a 18 year old lesbian female.) We have become the best of friends, and one night she just suddenly stopped by to see me. Well, before that night was over, she kissed me...and in more than a friendly way. Then, for 3 nights after that, she kept stopping by and our meetings ended with a kiss each time, accompanied by some snuggling. The problem is this:

She has a boyfriend of about 5 months now. He and I have been friends for about 5 years, but we have never been very close. I have no idea what's going through this girl's head as to what's up between her and me. I mean, sometimes I think I'm just some sort of "experiment" for her because, to the best of my knowledge, she's never been with another girl (though I could be wrong). One of my other friends seems to think that this girl has a huge crush on me and is just afraid to "come out of the closet." I really do care for this girl and think the world of her. I'd even go so far as to say I would LOVE to date her.

She does things for me like getting me little gifts and stuff. Or, she'll ask me to come see her at work and then talk to me all night in the middle of the restaurant she works in. And right now she's on vacation for 4 days, but she is taking her cell phone with her so that she can call me while she's away because she said she'd miss me. I'm not exactly sure how to handle it, so I hope you can give me some advice. Maybe you have some clue about this situation.

--Bobbi

Dear Bobbi,

BG's I'm Scared to Think I Might Be GayDar is beeping up a storm. I mean, well-adjusted all-knowing grownup superheroes know that folks, perhaps teens especially, experience all sorts of funny climbing-the-rope-in-gym-class feelings about all sorts of genders along this big old spectrum we call love/sex/crush/attraction. We know it's totally normal and not necessarily anything to "worry" about. Gals like her, on the other hand, might not have figured that out yet. Does she have a crush on you? I'd bet my cell-phone. Is it a Come Out vs. Or Not issue? Maybe not. I'm not saying her feelings aren't sincere or that they're not heading out of the closet someday; I just don't think she's got her hand on the doorknob right now. And as you may well know, turning it and pushing is no small matter.

Still, six or seven years is a long crush; things can't end (or begin) well if they continue this way. Especially because her boyfriend might not think "experimenting" with a girl is as cool as others might. (And yes, strictly speaking, you are aiding/abetting/snuggling.) So: You might be afraid to push or risk, but it might also be time -- and even less risky -- to actually pipe up and say "Um, what exactly are we doing?" Especially if you're "the best of friends." If she's confused, maybe you can say you understand. Maybe you can say how you -- or other friends -- have dealt with those feelings. Maybe you have more clue about this situation than you think.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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