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Dear Breakup Girl,

I know that in these modern times, we young and independent women should be shedding stereotypes without fear or hesitation. BG, at the ripe old age of 24, I've become frighteningly comfortable with the idea that I don't ever want to be married. Although I'm attracted to men and have "wedding dress fantasies" periodically (especially since all my friends are announcing their upcoming nuptials just about now), I can't seem to picture myself ever being capable of accepting a proposal and committing myself for life.

OK, this is not unusual among folks my age (although it's less common with the female population). But here's the kicker: this fear of commitment is manifesting itself in my relationships to the point where I chase, I date, I bliss out, I get claustrophobic, and then I run. Three months tends to be the life span of my romances. I'm not afraid of the intimacy, since physical attraction and emotional connection all go swimmingly until about week 11. I just wake up one day and think "Why am I with him? YUCK!" My feelings of attraction vanish, and what once were endearing quirks that made him interesting are now revolting.

I end up giving the "It's not your fault; I just can't handle this right now; let's be pals" speech. My friends are beginning to think this all a big power game for me, saying that I'm using my looks and smarts to beguile unwitting victims into my emotional lair, only to suck their souls dry and ruin them for the rest of womankind.

But I don't derive any sort of pleasure from this! I'm starting to loathe this behavior, and, if I could stomach it, I would force myself to stay with one guy for, say, 6 months and make it work. But I don't want to lie to someone whom I genuinely don't want to be with either. I've contemplated taking a 1 year dating sabbatical. Being single has always been fine with me, but after a few weeks I begin to crave being part of a social scene again that has that interesting spark of potential. Should I just take myself out of the game until I grow up some more? What if I miss out on Mr. Right (who could end my irrational fear of loving long-term togetherness) in my efforts to avoid perpetuating the string of Mr. Right Nows?

--Runaway Dater

Dear Runaway Dater,

Arguably, chase-date-bliss-gasp-run is no less healthy than another no less common dating trajectory: chase-date-bliss-gasp-stay-gasp-stay-gasp-stay. Plus, the three-month thing is -- for whatever biorhythmic reason -- typical, if not even classic. Which is why I don't want to hear about you "forcing" yourself to stay with someone just to make a point. Or, frankly, forcing yourself to stay without someone: "dating sabbaticals" tend to be about as effective and lasting as grapefruit-only diets. So if you ask me, you're a prime candidate for Brady Dating (see Just Wondering). Chase, lite. Enjoy the "spark of potential" without fanning it into the cauldron fire in that "emotional lair." Try that as a source of perspective and non-breathless evaluation of what you want. I think you're more normal than you think you are, and so is that "Mr. Right, by the way. In other words, he is not a magic man who can "end" your fear with a wave of a wand. (That is not a "pelvis" reference.) He's just the one who'll make you gasp — and jump in anyway.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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