< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I used to be in a relationship with a wonderful woman. The problem was, I didn't realize it until it was too late. We were together for eight months before we broke up. We still continued to spend time together as friends afterwards, trying to decide what we were and where we were going with our relationship. At one point I even told her that I would fight for her until the day she said, "I do."

A few months later, our final split came. She told me that she had met a guy she could relate to and enjoyed being around and that she was tired of not knowing where we were going. (We were both at fault for not talking more about that.) That first week apart, I left two "miss you" cards on her car and sent her some flowers with a note and a special message relating specifically to us. A few days later, she told me that she felt like I was stalking her and that she never wanted to see me again. She even had her new boyfriend threaten me physically. All of this within two weeks of sleeping over with me at my apartment. This all happened in October of 1998. I haven't called or spoken to her the few times I have seen her in public.

I broke down this past April and wrote her, telling her I wished her the best and she was free to call me if she ever wanted to talk. I made it clear in that letter that I was not expecting to get back together, that I only wanted to remain friends and would understand if she didn't respond. Either she didn't want to respond or her mom, who never truly liked me, may not have given it to her. (Is that paranoid or what?) In the three-plus months since I wrote that letter, I never heard from her. I saw her at a club we used to frequent. She kept her back to me the whole time. BG, I cannot understand why I am still wanting her. I still cry when I hear songs that remind me of her. I still think about the love we shared. And I have never, ever had anger, save for that moment when she accused me of stalking. I cannot understand why she would react like this. We spent about 17 months together constantly. We told each other we couldn't imagine our lives without the other, but it has happened. And she seems to be doing fine.

I never ask any acquaintances about her. I don't want anyone thinking I am that bad off. And I have tried asking women out to "start over," so to speak. But I am continuously met with the "just want to be friends" line. I've described everything as concisely as I can. To give all the details would be a book itself. I guess I would just like your ideas and opinions. Am I odd for still having a place in my heart for a woman who won't acknowledge I exist and has pretty much pretended we never had a past? Am I nuts for crying so much over her? Is there are a chance for a guy who has tried to take the first step but can't get past the "friend" stigma?

--Ken

Dear Ken,

Oh, so sorry. All right: we've got to put our heads together and figure out why your feelings -- while not "nuts" -- are still so raw after all this time ... especially when you have been doing your best to steer clear. (And she's even helping.)

Well, there's something about this note you wrote. As I've hinted above -- and said before -- you are not allowed to send "Um, hi, it's me" notes unless you promise that their purpose is for you to express something, not for the other person to respond. And -- though I know you can't necessarily yank your feelings back when they're heading in this direction -- you're not allowed to not understand if you said you'd "understand if she didn't respond." It would be lovely for her to write back, but she is allowed not to. (And let's keep her mother out of this.)

"Why would she react this way?" Ken, people are bad at breaking up. People are bad at pain; they find that cutting off contact -- no matter how curtly -- helps numb. And people are bad at basic manners in the first place. What can I say? If they weren't, I'd be some other kind of superhero, like the one who changes all those cutesy "K"s back into "C"s.

I can say that yes, you totally have "a chance." My guess is that right now -- while I applaud your "start over" efforts -- you might be hearing the "friends" line 'cause you've still got (to paraphrase a fave song) tears in your ears from lying on your back and crying over her. So sit up, Ken, and stop waiting for it not to smart. Of course she still has a place in your heart -- where else would you put her? So pack a satchel with what you say you've learned (note to self: talk more about "where you're going," realize what you've got, etc.); will, just will, that the year ahead will be different. Rearrange your furniture; switch your part; learn Romanian. Staring mutely at her back will not fill the void. Fight for yourself. Acknowledge that you exist; know that you have a future.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >