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Dear Breakup Girl,
A few weeks ago, I received a letter from my ex. We broke up five years
ago--my
doing--and it was hell. He reacted very poorly (an understatement). He
threatened
me, my friends, MY PARENTS (he called them long distance), showed up at my job
in anger, tried to sue me--basically pulled just about every trick in the book
to make my life a living hell. There was a time when I really thought he would
try to hurt me; luckily, my friends were similarly worried and stayed by my
side during the first tough months. The torment went on for about a year until
I moved. (For reasons unrelated to him.)
Flash forward five years: I am now working professionally, engaged to be
married,
and living far away from the town where we lived when we dated. I have never
had a listed phone number, and everyone he could possibly contact to find my
address knows full well not to give him any information about me at all.
Despite
this, I know that he has made efforts to contact me in the past few years. But
mainly I've put it out of my head. I reached the point, personally, where I
had to stop being afraid. Mainly, I pity him. A few weeks ago, my parents
informed
me that I had received a letter at their address. It didn't have his name, but
instinctively I knew it was from him. I waited, worrying, until they could
forward
it on to me. I suspected that he may have discovered my upcoming wedding, which
is the sort of thing that sets people like him off.
Wonders of wonders, the letter comes, and it's AN APOLOGY. Basically, he
said
he's sorry for all the problems he caused me. He wants to be "friends." Now,
that is out of the question. However, I am wondering if I should reply to this
letter, to let him know I got it, and that I appreciate the gesture (without
including my return address, of course). The tone of the letter suggests to
me that he is in some sort of anger therapy, something I always thought was
necessary for him, even before we broke up. I really do hope that he's gotten
over all this; I mean, it has been five years. And the letter lifted an
enormous
weight off my shoulders. But then again, it could be some sort of trick to get
me to contact him. Or else, by not replying, I could set him off again. This
isn't really someone that I trust, you know. Still, if he has reached this
level
where he recognizes his bad behavior, I want to encourage it, at least at arms'
length. (At one point, I did love this man.) But I don't know what to do.
Should
I reply?
-- Unstalked
Dear Unstalked,
Even though you’re not quite sure where they
should
point you, all of your instincts sound right on. Which is why I can trust you
to handle — yep — your brief response wisely. In fact, you’ve
practically already written it. As in: "I just wanted to let you know that
I got your letter; I very much appreciate the gesture, and I hope you’re
well." I know that that has all the flair and personal touch of your cable
bill, but that’s the idea. Acknowledge without encouraging (safest to
dodge
the "friends" thing altogether), and certainly without spilling a
single bean (safest to dodge the "upcoming wedding" thing
altogether).
Safest, too, to mail your response to your parents and have them re-mail it
for you. BG will lose one less night of sleep knowing that he doesn’t even
have a postmark to go on.
Still: if, at the end of the day, you choose to tear this sheet from your past
and write nothing, I will not yell at you. Unless he is attending ACME Anger
Therapy ("as seen in the Yellow Pages!"), no one will have told him
that his closure depends on your timely and explicit response, forgiveness,
and saying "Friends? Who-hoo! I thought you’d never ask!" But
I do believe that to respond — while not your responsibility or duty
—
is, simply, kind. And that, done tersely and safely, it will spare you from
"should I reply?"-ing until the next millennium. You’ll have
plenty of notes to write after your wedding.
Love,
Breakup Girl
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