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Dear Breakup Girl,

A few weeks ago, I received a letter from my ex. We broke up five years ago--my doing--and it was hell. He reacted very poorly (an understatement). He threatened me, my friends, MY PARENTS (he called them long distance), showed up at my job in anger, tried to sue me--basically pulled just about every trick in the book to make my life a living hell. There was a time when I really thought he would try to hurt me; luckily, my friends were similarly worried and stayed by my side during the first tough months. The torment went on for about a year until I moved. (For reasons unrelated to him.)

Flash forward five years: I am now working professionally, engaged to be married, and living far away from the town where we lived when we dated. I have never had a listed phone number, and everyone he could possibly contact to find my address knows full well not to give him any information about me at all. Despite this, I know that he has made efforts to contact me in the past few years. But mainly I've put it out of my head. I reached the point, personally, where I had to stop being afraid. Mainly, I pity him. A few weeks ago, my parents informed me that I had received a letter at their address. It didn't have his name, but instinctively I knew it was from him. I waited, worrying, until they could forward it on to me. I suspected that he may have discovered my upcoming wedding, which is the sort of thing that sets people like him off.

Wonders of wonders, the letter comes, and it's AN APOLOGY. Basically, he said he's sorry for all the problems he caused me. He wants to be "friends." Now, that is out of the question. However, I am wondering if I should reply to this letter, to let him know I got it, and that I appreciate the gesture (without including my return address, of course). The tone of the letter suggests to me that he is in some sort of anger therapy, something I always thought was necessary for him, even before we broke up. I really do hope that he's gotten over all this; I mean, it has been five years. And the letter lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders. But then again, it could be some sort of trick to get me to contact him. Or else, by not replying, I could set him off again. This isn't really someone that I trust, you know. Still, if he has reached this level where he recognizes his bad behavior, I want to encourage it, at least at arms' length. (At one point, I did love this man.) But I don't know what to do. Should I reply?

-- Unstalked

Dear Unstalked,

Even though you’re not quite sure where they should point you, all of your instincts sound right on. Which is why I can trust you to handle — yep — your brief response wisely. In fact, you’ve practically already written it. As in: "I just wanted to let you know that I got your letter; I very much appreciate the gesture, and I hope you’re well." I know that that has all the flair and personal touch of your cable bill, but that’s the idea. Acknowledge without encouraging (safest to dodge the "friends" thing altogether), and certainly without spilling a single bean (safest to dodge the "upcoming wedding" thing altogether). Safest, too, to mail your response to your parents and have them re-mail it for you. BG will lose one less night of sleep knowing that he doesn’t even have a postmark to go on.

Still: if, at the end of the day, you choose to tear this sheet from your past and write nothing, I will not yell at you. Unless he is attending ACME Anger Therapy ("as seen in the Yellow Pages!"), no one will have told him that his closure depends on your timely and explicit response, forgiveness, and saying "Friends? Who-hoo! I thought you’d never ask!" But I do believe that to respond — while not your responsibility or duty — is, simply, kind. And that, done tersely and safely, it will spare you from "should I reply?"-ing until the next millennium. You’ll have plenty of notes to write after your wedding.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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