< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I've been dating this great guy for a little over three months now, and things are going great: we love being together; he makes me laugh and hands me the tissues during chick flicks; and we cook dinner together, go on vacation together, etc. We've even spoken about the "M" word, though we both realize it's way too soon to even consider such a large step. We'll call him GL. The problem doesn't even really have to do with him, but rather with one of my roommates who also happens to be a good friend.

Aforementioned roommate (AR) and I lived together on and off for about two years. Never during this time did either of us have a boyfriend so this has never come up. GL and I are usually together, so he either stays at my place or I at his -- never really a problem though we still have "nights off" where we sleep alone. AR is getting pissed off at me because she feels that she's being dropped and replaced by GL, though we've had discussions and talks about how it's not so and how I still need her as a friend. I still hang out with AR (alone and with GL), so it's not as if I've dropped her like that. AR is unfortunately also clinically depressed and is on antidepressant drugs: she has attempted suicide before, but I doubt she'll do it again...I hope. I'm not sure if she's still on them right now or not. (I was also on them about 3 years ago and [voluntarily] stopped taking them, and she has followed in my footsteps, even though it's clear she needs the medication to function normally.) She knows she has to go back to the doctor to get more, but there's "obviously something wrong with [her] if [she] has to be on medication for the rest of [her] life. No one will ever love [her] if [she's] on drugs to live." My other roommate also has a boyfriend and is also usually with him which complicates the matter. (They either stay at his place or ours, similar to me and GL; they've been dating for about 8 months now.) AR believes she's being replaced, and that I hate her and don't want to be around her anymore. AR has a tendency to put herself down at every opportunity, i.e.. "I'll never have a boyfriend because no one loves me," or "I'm too fat to have anyone,"or "I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life,"or "Obviously I mean nothing to her because she can't stand to be around me," etc. While a comment now and again doesn't bother me, this is 24/7, all the darn time.

All of us roommates are 22 year old college graduates with good jobs. AR is under a little stress (didn't do too well on those MCATs) but otherwise her life is OK. And now to my actual dilemma: I'm not sure how to treat the problems with AR. I know that she idealizes me and that anything I say to her is taken the wrong way. (She's actually said to me that she never wants to tell me how she does [on tests and such] because she'll never match up to me?!) I want to be able to spend time with both her and GL, without feeling guilty when I'm just with one of them, but AR usually makes comments like, "You are actually not with GL?" and "Oh, so you actually came to visit me, is GL not around?" But, because of AR's clinical history, I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to "drop her," but I want to spend time with GL as well.

My other roommate says to just give her time and space, but the more time and space I give her the more crappy she acts to me and the more depressed she gets. She's now at the point where she's always silent (which is how we know she's upset) and doesn't want to do anything with either me or my other roommate. Help?

--Ness

Dear Ness,

Okay, he'll hand you the tissues during Three Kings, and Belleruth (our very own Mrs. Garrett) will hand you some tips on dealing with the wet blanket.

She says: "To be fair to the AR/WB, part of the problem is structural. Like, there's no way to feel good when your two roomies are in romantic relationships, under your nose, and you're not. It's no one's fault. It's just the way it is. Built-in suckiness.

"However, the depressive style of 'Oh, you're making me feel so lousy, I think I'll clean the bathroom with my tongue and put my head in the oven,' needs some tweaking, as it is designed to produce the very roomie rejection she fears.

"So, as far as your strategy, a (bear with me) paradoxical intervention is the only thing that might possibly work (and it might not). Here's the thing: the more nice and kid-glove you are to someone like this, the more you feed her depressive shtick. So guilt about your lovelife notwithstanding, you might try something along these lines: 'Look, I've got this boyfriend. You don't. This is uncomfortable for both of us. I know you are in a crappy position. BUT if you want to stay here and not make us both miserable, get over it and deal. This is not about you and me, and me rejecting you. This is about me and him, and me liking to be with him. Not not with you. However, if you do keep moaning, you're right; I'm not gonna want to hang with you. I already feel too guilty and manipulated to enjoy you. So, dear friend, please oh please tend to yourself. Get back on meds if you deem it right. Find other sources of nourishment. Move if you must. But knock it off.'"

And sure, please tell her that some of that nourishment can -- if she lets it -- also come from you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >