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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating the same person for 10 years. I love her very much. We constantly talked about eventually getting married and having a family. In 1995, she was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness which could only be cured through organ transplant. I freaked, but did not flee. During those 3 years, I supported her in every way I could. I was always there for her. Well, now she has been transplanted and is doing very well. However, I am very depressed. Here is why:

She can never have children without putting herself at risk. Adoption is a possibility I would consider, however...her life expectancy after transplant is 20 years at best. The longest anyone has survived post-lung transplant is 10 years (and still going). This means that there is always a possibility of leaving the child motherless at a young age (she has said that she would have a hard time adopting or raising a child if she knew that she possibly would not be around for the child's early life). Plus I'm afraid I couldn't raise a child on my own.

Secondly...(this may sound stubborn and self-centered)...I don't want to be a widow at the age of 40 or 50... I find it very scary to be alone at that age. I find it even scarier to be alone in my 60s, 70s, and 80s (with no spouse, sons or daughters to keep me company, take care of me, and watch out for my interests).

We had also talked about relocating (after marriage) to a place that would be more centrally located to both of our families. Right now we live in the same city as her parents, but a 9-hour drive away from mine. However, now she is more dependent on the healthcare in her area and is reluctant to leave (which I understand).

A part of me wants to end the relationship and get a fresh start towards a more optimistic and happy future, but the other part of me says that I am being too self-centered and stubborn for thinking this way. However, if I stay in this relationship, so many of my dreams may never be realized (and I know this is not her fault). Either choice I make is going to be dreadful because I do love her.

Am I an idiot to even consider ending this relationship? Am I being too self-centered? Are my concerns legitimate? Thanks.

-- Mark

Dear Mark,

Oh, my. Let's turn you gently over to the healing hands of our very own Actual Feelings Doctor, Belleruth:

"You are not an idiot. Anyone who wouldn't admit to these concerns is in denial or a liar. Sure, you're being self-centered, but in a neutral, human-condition sort of way. And of course your concerns are legitimate; there's nothing you've said here that hasn't occurred to her either.

On the other hand, there are no guarantees that anyone's partner is gonna be around to play mah-johng with them in their 60s, 70s ...

The kid thing is another matter: staying with her strictly out of obligation is a drag and punishing to both (all, even).

Soooooo, the question is, how much do you love her and want to be with her? If it's a LOT, then, as part of your caring, you should give your character a workout and stick around.

But first, you should talk about this out loud to each other and hear each other's fears and hopes. That could go a long way toward sorting this all out.

Mostly, though, you should have some compassion toward yourself and let up on the critique. Don't mean this to sound so harsh and catch-22, but you're right: either way you're going to suffer. So maybe you can make it suffering with some genuine learning about yourself and your relationship. Her, too. We all are rooting for you all."

Love,
BR and BG

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