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Dear Breakup Girl,

You don't know how sad I am to be writing to you. See, I wrote to you two years ago to tell you how much I loved & respected your advice but to assure you that, after 3 tumultuous years, I was finally, blissfully happy with a lovin' man, Rob. I still love BG.com and god I still love Rob, but I have done something dangerous and sad and I am turning to you in earnest. I'll try to be brief.

I used to date a man named Tristan (long disquisition on how great he is, deleted). Simply, he was great in some ways, terrible in others, we had the Great Tragic Love, made each other nine ways from miserable, I left him several times, and finally made the break when I met Rob. Rob was like discovering the New World! Love with a partner, someone who makes me feel genuine and real and well ?happy! (Imagine.) So I let myself fall, and life was great, and I wrote to you in joy to tell you so, and for two years I had no contact with Tristan except carefully neutral Xmas cards. Last week I saw him at an annual event that I had been avoiding because of him (but finally felt confident enough to attend) and BLAM! my happy full of love dreaming about a wedding, etc. world blew up/was obscured in a shower of sparks and unresolved Big Tragic Love Feelings. And I slept with him.

Stupid, stupid, mean. That's me.

Over the BTL feelings? Not yet. Wanting to destroy my happy genuine good life house? Hell no. Getting to the point? You bet. I don't want to leave Rob. He's real. I am really trying to deal with the BTLF. And oh man am I ashamed and sorry for the cheat. But I haven't told Rob and I don't want to. I feel telling him would be even more hurtful to him and perhaps make it impossible for us to continue, and I am so willing to try and make it work with him. But I don't want to let myself off the hook, I don't want to lie "for the wrong reasons" (God that sounds awful I feel like a pathetic cliche). I mean, maybe I should give him the chance to hate and dump me. And maybe I deserve it. But I love him and he loves me and you always say the pain of lying is the cheater's punishment. Oh, tell me if that is true in this case? Or am I being too easy on myself at my love's expense? Please let me know what you think. Thanks.

--Don't Want to Be Isolde

Dear Don't Want to Be Isolde,

Yes, about your "punishment," that's true. As long as you promise me that the BTLF incident isn't a sign that the New World isn't actually getting old. In which case your job would still be to work on the relationship, not to work out your guilt. And about your being "easy" on yourself, well, reread your letter:that's not true.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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