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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm a 22 year-old-girl in a band with a guy who has since become one of my dearest friends. I feel like I can tell him anything, and he confides a lot in me too. I love him to bits (not in an "I-wanna-have-your-babies" kinda way, but rather a "Let's-be-drinking-buddies-and-watch-football" way). I also think his wife is great, and have hung out with her on occasion outside band business. A few months ago when we were both drunk, he kissed me. It has since progressed to include a few shaggings, all while in our cups.* We had a talk about it, and agreed that what we did was wrong, and that we will make sure we're never drunk and alone together, ever. So far so good.

So here's the rub: lately, it's been happening sober (every time was a "Last Time." We all know how well THAT works). Last month, he confessed (sober) that he's jealous- for the first time in his life- of me and my new boyfriend, and that when he sees us together, it tears him up inside because he wants it to be him. At which point I told him that he has no right to be jealous, because we're not even together, and the only thing between us is our clothes. Case closed, so I thought. But the next day, he took me to a park and confided that it was more than just sex for him, and that he is falling in love with me. Which complicates the issue slightly, 'cause I feel no emotional stirrings for him. He's always complaining about how bad things are at home (they are)-- he's been "leaving her" for months. Now, I don't care if he leaves her or not, because I would never date him. We're totally wrong for each other. I told him (as a friend) that my shoulder is only so big, and would he please sh*t or get off the pot?

So here's my problem: I don't want to hurt him. How do I convince him to stop entertaining false hopes? And how come--despite the fact that the sex was mediocre and it's been over for months--I still want him so much? How do I stop?

-- Never Thought I'd Do It

Dear Never Thought I'd Do It,

How come? Because sex with a drinking buddy = "great taste, less feeling." As in: Lite, so there's always room for more. Which is not necessarily a Bad Thing, unless one of you (1) -- ooops! -- feels more than the other, or (2) is -- leaving, schmeaving -- married (ooops!).

How to convince him? Well, "tell" really should suffice. But a great way to fail to convince him would be to let the shag thing happen again.

How to stop? Not to be flip, but you just do. You avoid triggers, like being with him in non-band, non-sober (though that didn't always work) situations. Maybe also distract yourself by considering what doesn't appeal to you about legal, available, Sam Adams, rich porter, have-your-babies types. Which may be related to what's making you so cold about his wife.

Love,
Breakup Girl

* Canadian for "drunk" (not a piece of hockey equipment). Also, not dirty (see above), but not unrelated. -- BG

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