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Dear Breakup Girl,

This afternoon, I was using my boyfriend's computer. I went to the "GO" menu so I could revisit a site I'd left, and was quite surprised by what I saw. There were several porn sites that had been recently visited.

Instantly, a few things popped into my head. Mostly, I assumed that they weren't his, because he is a feminist boy (yay feminist boys!) and has always taken a stance against porn/sex industry in our talks.

I confronted him in a joking way, saying "Hey, what's the password to this site, I can't get in and forgot mine." He got flustered, and said that they were his friend's, who was showing him cool back doors into secure sites.

When I questioned him, he maintained that he didn't do it, it was all the friend. I left, feeling ill because the situation was pretty bad.

Then, when I got home, he e-mailed me. He said that he had looked at the sites, but it had only happened once. Supposedly, one of his hacker friends was passing a code or something that would let him get into secure/pay sites for free. He said that he tried it, but didn't look around, just wanted to "feel like a hacker."

I was interested in your perspective on this. Not only was he looking at porn, which I'm not too into, but he outright lied to my face about it. I am quite upset, and feel hurt, but I wonder if I am overreacting, or if his excuse was a decent one?

-- Lette

Dear Lette,

Yeah, yay feminist boys!

Sure, I can understand why that feels iffy/icky to you. But see, there are these funny things called Double Standards, not all of which are as reprehensible as others (like for me: War is bad, but my 82nd Airborne-surplus Corcoran paratrooper boots are good). See, Lette, I'm pretty sure your FB was looking at the porn. Even if he went there purely on hacker patrol, he might have stayed and browsed a wee bit. And "lied" about it to you because he didn't want to "feel like a loser," given his "stance." Which I don't think he's lying about. I don't. It's not like he's soapboxing "porn is violence" and then going home to run some sort of adult webcast out of his apartment. Let it go, Lette. FB sounds like someone who is both principled and fallible. Now that's HotHotHot.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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