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Dear Breakup Girl,

Last summer I was living with my roommate from college and we had a falling out/"we are not ever going to live together again" kind of event, three weeks before our lease was up. We both explored other living options, and managed to salvage our friendship. I moved into a beautiful house with a guy and a girl, neither of whom I knew (it was an ad in the paper)...the guy actually looked familiar, and it turned out that we had friends in common (we went to nearby universities) I moved in at the beginning of August, and pretty much kept to myself. In December my female roommate who was a little older and kind of a "dorm-mommy" chose to get her own place. About three weeks earlier me and my male roommate (can you see where this is going?) began talking quite a bit...while I was very attracted to him, I:

1. Didn't think I had a snowball's chance in hell.

2. Thought that would be WAY complicated, crossing multiple boundaries.

3. He was just breaking up with a girlfriend of 2.5 years.

But, it was nice to make my home 'friendlier' than it had been, and I was beginning to feel much more comfortable.

So, in January we were looking for someone to replace our other roommate. We finally find someone who is a friend of a friend, and we ask her to move in.

Five days later....it's snowing, my Friday night plans are shot, and so are his. So we go out to the bar down the street, presumably just to do some more bonding. Come home, keep talking (we only had a pitcher between us, so we are far from drunk...) sitting on the floor in his room, and out of nowhere, he leans over and kisses me. I swear I got no signal of anything like that happening, and I couldn't believe it.

Fast forward many months later....one of the most intimate and cerebral and THE most wonderful relationships I have ever had has developed. I am mad about him...except there are problems....

1. We haven't told our other roommate. I want to...he doesn't. He feels as though she would think we brought her in under false pretenses, when in actuality, nothing was happening when we asked her to move in.

2. He lived with a girlfriend and a friend before, and his friend hated it...he doesn't want to make her feel uncomfortable.

3. He is not affectionate with me when we are alone, and we rarely have sex (we just started to a month and a half ago, and have sex less than once a week, which I initiate). This is really hurting my ego.

4. He hasn't told anyone except for two of his very close friends.

5. I said I was going to start to look for another place to live, so that we could have a 'normal' relationship, but he wants me to stay.

I've been trying to break up with him. I'm not sure why, because he is the most important person in my life. He isn't doing anything 'wrong' per se, but I'm dissatisfied. Am I just being impatient? What should I do? Leave? Tell my other roommate?

I'm so confused, because I adore everything about him but I hate this situation. Help.

-- Dani

Dear Dani,

I don't doubt the intimate and cerebral and wonderful and "most important" stuff. But I also don't doubt that you're dissatisfied. Why? Because you do sense that it's more than strictly "the situation" that's a little off. You might be starting to sense, even, that he doesn't want a "normal" relationship. I mean, he doesn't even want a milk-for-free thing, seems like. Whoa. Hate to say it, but I think it's time to pack. Not so that you can have a "normal" relationship with him, but so that, eventually, you can find someone who'll boast to his friends about you. Who can't keep his kisses and sweet nothings off you. And with whom, one day, you'll want to move in.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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