< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a really wonderful boyfriend right now (well at least I think so). We care a lot about each other and really want our relationship to work. Well here's the thing. During the school year he lived at the dorms about 50 miles away from mommy and daddy. When the semester ended he didn't have much of a choice other than to move back in with his parents.

Let me tell you a little about his parents. They are extremely wealthy, a bit snobby, and prudish (I just recently found out). I guess I should also mention that they've been through a lot with their son. A few years ago he had a drug problem (before I knew him) and they got him in rehab. Well he hasn't touched drugs for about 2 1/2 years now.

I met his parents for the first time about two weeks ago. They seemed to really like me and I thought they were pretty great too. I also thought (because he'd told me that's how they'd always been) that they were pretty laid back about things like sex. Turns out that isn't true. His mother was raised very Catholic and believes sex is a marriage only thing. Well last weekend I spent the night at his house, which also meant we slept together. He had to be at work at 8:00, so we left at about 5:00 so he could take me home. We were very quiet when we left so as not to wake his parents. Well, when I talked to him later that day, he told me that his parents had heard us leave and "knew what we were up to." Consequently they have forbidden him to see me...they don't even want him talking on the phone with me. He can't afford to not obey them, because if he doesn't they'll kick him out, and they just shelled out $5000 to pay for part of his new car. They expect him to pay them back (of course). So he's working at it, but in the meantime can't afford a place of his own. This means we can't see each other. We don't know what to do....why can't his parents realize that having sex doesn't make you a bad person? His parents also expect him to pay for college next year (if he can afford to go).

The only way we're able to stay in touch right now is through email (and the occasional secret phone call). Help me, BG, you're my only hope!

-- Jessica

Dear Jessica,

If his parents feel that strongly, I don't quite get how he could have not known that they'd freak. Or why he would have said they wouldn't -- or invited you over at all -- if he knew they would. Don't know what to make of that, except to float the remote possibility that he was basically trying to get his parents to do the breakup for him? But I doubt that.

A more concrete observation: I can see why they'd freak about hanky panky Under Their Roof. A lot of parents make that "I-don't-know-what-you-do- when-you're-away-at-school- but-when-you're-in-this-house- you-follow-our-rules" distinction, and they are way entitled. But. Forbidding him to see you ... naked in their home is one thing. Forbidding him to see you, phone you, etc., on the other hand, is frankly a bizarrely high-schooly draconian way to deal with a college (right?) kid.

So -- even though this is really between him and his parents -- I do think you could tell him that BG sees room for negotiation here. Note that I am not suggesting you even try to change their minds about sex; I'm just talking about changing the rules a bit. Like, if they feel that he must be "punished" in some way (oh, for God's sake), then let him suggest something other than not seeing you. Chores or something? A curfew? Geez, I don't know. It's all a little obnoxious, but there are going to have to be concessions on your side. One of which will clearly be that you cannot ever be "up to" anything in their house. (So make sure he keeps up with payments on the car.)

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >