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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I fear I have started to commit the most heinous crime in 90's America; I am starting to fall for a co-worker. I realize I shouldn't be doing this. I even made the stupid mistake of doing this before with horrible ramifications. About three years ago, I fell for Jane. The first time I met her, my heart stopped and I just felt like WOW! We would hang out, e-mail each other, go to movies. But like every other woman in my life, she just wanted to be friends. She told me that she made the mistake of dating a co-worker before and it ended ugly, so she didn't want to make the same mistake. Then it got ugly. Jane had lots of problems including and caused by alcoholism. Other co-workers started noticing her problem and turned to me looking for advice on how to handle it since I was the most experienced guy in our small group. They knew we were friendly, a couple even knew I had the hots for her. I guess I can't hide stuff like that. She would call in sick with flimsy excuses, show up late, get drunk and pass out at company functions, disappear for days without explanation. Her other friends told me she was partying hard and were worried.

Finally, she lost her job when she was assigned to our company's major convention, but decided getting drunk, not doing her job, having a major fight with me, and doing the old disappearing act were more important.

She was assigned to the convention a week before I was. The employees out there who never worked with her before told me that she was out of control. They knew her for only a few days and knew something was wrong. Our boss showed up and saw she was pretty messed up. He was a good guy, so I am sure he offered her a chance to help herself and she turned it down. A reformed alcoholic who worked with us at the time told me that Jane needed to hit rock bottom and didn't want help even though I had offered many times. Suffice to say, I haven't seen Jane since the day she lost her job. I never had the courage to call her. I just assumed she would contact me if she ever wanted to talk again. I had been through such an emotional roller coaster that I just wanted to walk away from the experience.

Since that day, I got a new job and had a couple of dates, but nothing serious. No one has really set my heart on fire until now. The first time I met Jenny, my heart stopped and I just felt all WOW! We work together on a couple of projects and I rank above her, but I am not her boss.

Over the past month, I have been re-evaluating my life. A recent trip to the Doctor revealed that my weight problem is becoming a major problem (I weigh over 300 lbs.). Now, I truly realize my own mortality. I am starting to approach the big 3-0 and can't say that I am very happy with what I have accomplished in life. I am very well-liked by friends, family, co-workers. My job is OK, but very stressful. I have been trying to start a little business of my own on the side. If things work out, I will be self-employed within the year. Got a plan and everything!

I am also very lonely. Being a big guy doesn't exactly make me Valentino. Like I said, every woman I have ever been attracted to has just wanted to be friends. Until Jenny came along, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never find anyone and live out my life a single guy. Frankly, she is too good for me. She is smart, funny, sweet, classy and soooooo beautiful. We just seem to hit it off.

So my problem is: how do I stop this feeling from screwing everything up? Pursuing Jenny is a kamikaze mission. There is no way this wonderful woman is going to start dating John Candy. I fear others may be starting to notice my interest in Jenny. Yesterday, I was training Jenny and my friend and coworker Joe came into my office to talk. We are very good friends and we started talking about an issue we both feel passionate about. We started a heated discussion right there in front of Jenny and the guy I share the office with. I have a reputation for being a pretty reasonable, gentle, friendly guy in our office, so the heated discussion was out of character. None of them have ever seen that side of me. I think Joe was even a little startled by it. He didn't take offense because it wasn't nasty or anything like that. Later, my office mate looks at me and very playfully says, "what was that this morning with Joe? Showing off the feathers for Jenny?" That scared me because he was right and I don't want to make a major mistake.

But, she makes me feel alive again. It's been a long time since a woman made me feel like this. What do I do, BG?

Just call me ...
-- Braveface

Okay, Braveface,

First of all, worry not, the most heinous crime in 90s America has got to have something to do with Adam Sandler.

But the realm of office romance, not to mention looks/weight, are (unlike you-know-who's range of emotions) are definitely complicated. Let's see if we can simplify a few things here.

1. If you become self-employed anytime soon, the office romance issue here will be moot. (At least the former-office romance. I don't have to tell you that dating an home-office employee, while perhaps appealingly convenient, would compound matters.)

2. The Jane thing, while I know it was a serious experience, doesn't necessarily Mean Anything in terms of patterns of past mistakes, etc. The office element of that one was the least of everyone's worries.

3. "Showing off the feathers for Jenny?" Maybe you were. But that doesn't mean this co-worker has your number. If she's that babelicious inside and out, then surely she's the belle of the ball to begin with. Maybe all he's implying is, "I mean, who among us wouldn't?"

4. You're right: your size will make all of this harder. I'm not going to chuck you on the chin and say it won't (or, God forbid, "be yourself!"). But hooray on you for going to the doctor. That will help you treat your body, in your mind, as a Health Issue. That means, to the best of your ability, you can measure progress in how you feel, not how many pounds you've lost. You can have that "I did 5 minutes longer on the treadmill! Hooray on me!" feeling long before you have that "I lost X pounds feeling! Hooray on me!" feeling. And hey! When you feel better, you look better. It's a long treadmilly haul, I know, but you've got more of a running start than you think, my friend. (Apparently, 1/3 of American men have not had a checkup in the past year, you sillies.) Though, actually, can you hook up with a trainer or nutritionist or other "You go, Braveface!" type-person to talk/walk/spot/cook you through this? Don't get all I-help-others-they-don't-help-me lonelyguy and go this solo.

5. The dating thing. I notice that the two leading ladies in your letter got that way with a love-at-first-sight KAPOW (or some other explosion noise that Sandler might make)! And that must be a pretty cool feeling. But my sense is that you'd do well to try to move yourself into position on the Flirtation Continuum so that the occasional special Jennys in your world -- especially when you work with them -- don't become matters of lovelife and death. What do I mean? Do what you can -- and I know it's hard -- to get some more buzz going. On the Internet, even, where you can find people who are open to (not fetishy about) people of all girths. Especially if you go off and start that business (sounds like, even at the platonic level, it might be more solitary).

As I said, Braveface, you are already better off than many Lonelyguys I hear from -- the ones too detached to feel KAPOW! at all, to argue passionately, to be well-liked, to inquire about their health, to have a plan for a dream ... never mind the ones who don't bother to write in the first place. You are mortal, but your peak -- unlike certain people's -- is still to come.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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