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Dear Breakup Girl,

Recently, I played back my answering machine messages in front of Brad, and he overheard my close friend Courtney tell me that she hoped that my relationship with Brad had "evened out." Courtney thereby disclosed that I had been telling her about recent ups and downs in my 8-month-old relationship with him. He justifiably felt betrayed, especially because he HE doesn't tell anyone about our occasional arguments: "I just go to the gym," he said. "If I'm going to spend the next 55 years hanging out with your close friends, you shouldn't tell them things that will cause them to dislike me." I liked the 55-year reference, and resolved not to tell Courtney any more, but to be the "team player" he expects.

But oh, the frustration! I have lost my trusty relationship adviser. As a result, the temptation to solicit your excellent advice has become too strong. Given Brad's concern for relationship privacy, I can't help feeling guilty for writing to you (compare one generally-discreet roommate named Courtney to Breakup Girl's readership, which no doubt comprises hundreds of thousands of people), but I figured that I could change the names, and your readers might mistake us for a rich and famous celebrity couple, or something.

So here's my question: how much contact with exes is normal and acceptable? I need some objective advice.

The object of my affection is 31 and I'm 28. We met at a wedding eight months ago. Nine months prior to our meeting, he had broken up with (ahem) Gwyneth, a woman he'd dated for two years. Gwyneth is beautiful, intelligent, successful, and picture perfect. I have no idea why he broke up with her, except that she drove him "bananas." Since Brad and I started dating, he has met her occasionally for coffee, and exchanged birthday gifts with her. In what I thought was an enormous act of generosity that went unrecognized, I went to see her act in a play on my birthday weekend along with Brad and a large group of his friends who have remained close to her. A mutual friend has told me that Gwyneth is still in love with Brad, and is anxious to get him back. Several of her friends have stated portentously, "the Gwyneth and Brad story isn't over yet." He, himself, has told me that when he announced to her that he was dating me, she teased him: "Next time you decide you want a relationship, why don't you let me know first so that I can get in there again?" I have tried with varying success to act as though his friendship with her does not trouble me.

However, problems began when he finished the draft of his first screenplay. He considers Gwyneth a superior critic to me. He therefore insisted on giving her his manuscript for her review before sending it out to agents. I pretended that this was a good idea in an effort to be supportive and appear above jealousy. (I did, however, make a couple cracks about her lack of decolletage in that heinous pink dress.)

Then two weeks ago, I helped organize a fundraiser for a liberal cause. He, unfortunately, is a Republican. (That is a problem for another letter.) I asked him to come with me to the fundraiser. He couldn't change the theater tickets he'd purchased for that night. He took Gwyneth to the theater that evening "because it [was] a convenient way to thank her for reviewing my manuscript." I was upset.

Now she has read the manuscript. Although Brad and I both have been out of town, and tonight would be our first opportunity to see each other in four days, he would like to get together with Gwyneth, instead, so that she can give him her comments. "How about meeting up after you get together with Gwyneth?" I suggested, as we'd often met up late in the evening at his apartment after doing separate things. He demurred and I backed off. Then he asked, "Do you mind where I meet her?" "Where? Nooo. . . .why?" "She's asked me to come over to her apartment tonight. I didn't want to say no, because it would look as though you were ordering me not to go there." "That's fine. I guess. . . . will you give me a call to say goodnight when you get home?" He laughed and agreed.

Breakup Girl, this bothers me.

Is it generally acceptable for a boyfriend of 8 months to take his ex-girlfriend to the theater? To go to her house to discuss his manuscript with her? Does it matter that she makes no secret of the fact that she wants him back? Am I being childish? Do I have a right to say anything? Thank you for your help.

"Betty Blue"

Dear "Jennifer Aniston,"

There's something a little creepy here, and it's not just that Brad's a Republican. It's this whole "betrayal" thing with Courtney, and your subsequent guilt. Brad is entitled to want -- and keep -- things private. But there's a difference between sharing and blabbing. Courtney's your friend; Brad's your boyfriend. What the heck else, besides the crisis in Kashmir, campaign finance reform, Avogadro's number, etc., do you talk about with her? Plus it's not like she said she hoped the scars from the cosmetic surgery that no one's supposed to know Brad had had "evened out." And it's not like you sent me your question and asked me specifically to include "Brad's" first and last, hometown, and identifying characteristics (eg scars).Plus it's not like Brad isn't doing an excellent job of getting your friends not to like him all by himself. I mean, with Gwyn.

Yet you still decided that to clam up would make you the kind of "team player" Brad "expects."

Betty Blue, this bothers me.

Which plays into why the Gwyneth thing bothers me. I've said before that our exes come packed in the styrofoam peanuts of their past, some of which stick. Sometimes harmlessly -- even harmoniously -- sometimes not. Generally what bugs me is not when exes stay friends or hang out or read manuscripts or serve as arm candy now and then. That happens.What bugs me is when they do so -- even if it's completely innocent -- without much decorous respectful regard for the Current Beau. I don't know if there's a direct cause/effect here, but Brad may be relishing the chance to step out with someone who, as far as it appears, only says things like, "I lurrrrve him!" and "Squeal!" to her friends. It also sounds to me like he is actually trying, passive-aggressively, to push your buttons.

And meanwhile, you are trying very hard to unpush them, right? Perhaps you are worried that you, too, will drive Brad "bananas." I mean, he dumped Gwyneth, and she's perfect. Where does that leave you? Um, applauding at her play. Though the Acting Like a Good Girlfriend Oscar really should go to you.

So Brad is entitled to go to the gym instead of talking about you ... but not instead of talking -- never mind listening -- to you. And you are entitled to talk to Brad, without accusing or whining or stomping your feet. As in: "This Gwyneth thing is getting under my skin a bit. What can I tell you: I can't help it. Can we talk about it a little to maybe figure out some sort of three-way tie?" That's what I'd call being a team player. Or Best Supportive Boyfriend, or something. Right now, I don't think either of you has enough ego/security in this relationship to fill out a buckling pink dress. I'd rather see you two try to bulk up together than see you dash to do all the alterations yourself.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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