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Dear Breakup Girl,

Recently I had a 4 month long relationship with a great guy. Everything was going so well. He treated me so well and was so gentlemanly and kind and there was definite chemistry. He had lusted after me for a few years and I had also had a crush on him for a similar amount of time. Finally we got together and I thought everything was going so well. One night we went for dinner and he broke it to me that although he thought I was very beautiful and an amazing person, he thought we were better as friends. I cannot understand this. I mean, he was so attracted to me and we had so much fun together. I don't think he was seeing someone else as I thought I knew him well enough to know that he would not do that to me. Of course I could never be certain about that. And also, he had liked me for so long that I didn't think he would want to throw away what we had. I also cannot accept that he is no longer attracted to me -- as he tells me he thinks I'm so beautiful and the sexual tension is in the air when we're together.

So the reason has to be something else. My friends think he may be gay but not realise it. There was one night where he chose not to spend the night with me at my friend's place as he wanted to get back home. I was a bit annoyed that night but also knew that he was so exhausted due to work and study pressures. However I was also tired from the same pressures and could find the energy to go out, etc. He does handle pressure differently however. My friend's boyfriend believed also that he had to be gay if he didn't want to spend the night with me when there are so many guys that would want to. (He was referring to my many admirers.)

Well, what do you think happened here? Is he simply one of those commitment-phobic men? It would be nice to get an outside opinion.

-- Mia

Dear Mia,

"Phew. It's not me, it's my gender." That would be comforting, wouldn't it? And I know how hurtful and confusing this breakup must be. But just because he is not interested in a particuar woman -- or staying with her on a particular night -- does not mean that he's not interested in women, period; it could -- galling as this is -- mean that he's ... not interested. I'm afraid I can't be more specific that that, and perhaps he can't either; sounds to me like, while the feelings he did have for you were genuine, he himself might have only a vague idea of why they faded. Don't know if he's "commitment-phobic" or what; this may just be one of those -- commonplace -- gray area "she's great, but..." breakups; in any case, it's time for an admirer who'll stop before that comma. (Though for the record, were this one to describe "gray" as "slate" or "pewter," then maybe we'd go back to your friend's theory.)

Love,
Breakup Girl

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