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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've decided to actually ask the question that's causing my brain fluid to boil and driving every cell in my body to critical mass. This friend of mine, referred to as Subject A, is semi-dating this charming girl, referred to as Subject B. Subject A practically disappears from life-as-we-know-it while spending his every waking moment with Subject B. One day, subject B says "You know, we're just dating... This isn't anything serious." and Subject A says "OK, that's great." Of course, Subject A is going through a bit of pain, but he can deal. Later that night, he goes on to tell her about me, who we will refer to as Subject C. Essentially, he fills out my job app and gives her a resume -- tells her about my job, my car, my roommates, my poetry, my cat, and delivers it with a listing of reasons why I'm awesome. I find myself going "WHAT?" So, she checks me out. Happens to work in the same establishment. Looks at my desk, my computer, the poetry hanging there, decides she might want to meet this character. Jumps me on a smoke break, and we hit it off. Like, really hit it off. Like, it's uncommon to have this kind of intellectual rapport with ANYBODY. After a fifteen minute conversation, she tells me she's very, very interested. I, under the impression that they are together, tell him "Wow. Hell of a woman -- hang out to that for dear life!!" Well, I don't know what entered his body and possessed his mind at that very moment, but he arranged for us all to be in the same place at the same time later that night. The days speed by. Suddenly I'm spending every waking moment with her. Sound familiar? We both establish an mutual understand that we're not necessarily solid on what it is we seek, but we'll keep each other updated and communicate freely and honestly from that point forward.

Great.

So, for about a week, we spend a massive amount of time together. I almost felt married. Did laundry there, grocery shopped, kept my food in her fridge, had a key to her place. It was actually pretty awesome -- for a little while. No sex, even. Didn't feel comfortable yet. So, a little over a week into it, moral resolution is obtained with Subject A, and I feel safe enough in the relationship situation to be sexually active.

First night, right after being "intimate," she says "So, um, I'm not sure if I want what's happening here." My alarm goes off. I sit up, "Ok, what are you feeling right now? What's up?" She goes on to explain that it's not so much that she doesn't want any of what's going on, but that she wants "more of a dating situation, less of a living together situation." Right on. This makes perfect logical sense -- she needs her space. Great. Had myself an emotional scare there -- felt conquered, beings as she didn't indicate anything was wrong until AFTER she had "Won the prize" so to speak, but hey, whatever. She then goes on to say "So... I love you." GREAT. Just GREAT. "Do you mean that? How do you mean that? Could you POSSIBLY mean that in any way after knowing me for <Checks watch> 7 days, eleven hours and fourty-two minutes?!" Didn't say that. Thought that. So I go into adjustment mode. She's clearly uncomfortable to some extent. Something seemed way wrong. So, I try determining what she needs. Offer to go home -- explain I've got some things to do, ya know... Some friends to see. Give ya a call? No, she says. No, I'd like you to stay here. Well, OK. I'm interested in pursuing this situation further -- if she wants me company, she's got it.

Long story short, two weeks later it's over. All, completely over. I swear, I'm nuts! She's told Subject A the following: "Well, I told him he was being way too serious about the situation, and he freaked out on me." What she said to me was: "I want more of a dating relationship, and less of a living together relationship." And all I said to her was "OK. You got it." Does that entail freaking out on her? Did she tell me I was being to serious, when she was the one vying for my company 24/7? I know it moved way too fast -- I can see that, particularly in retrospect, but seriously here... Why does she tell everyone something different? So the story evolves from less of a living together/more of a dating to "I just don't want to date anyone right now." One week later, she's dating somebody I know. Why did she lie to a friend of mine about my reaction and her words? Same reason she lied to me about a friend of mine's actions and her words previously? I mean, clearly she's stuck in some kind of pattern, because there are some frightening consistencies between my experience and the experience of subject A... And y'know, the way she portrays the situation to the people I've spoken to, I just went off the handle... Lost my head. Fell in love with her when she wasn't in love with me. Etc, etc. The way I feel is, I've been played, just like Subject A. Help me out if you can.

-- Completely Frustrated

Dear Completely Frustrated,

It's like I told Ivy. Sometimes when you are driven, baffled, to ask the question,"What the hell is going on?" it kind of answers itself. In the sense that someone confusing, inconsistent, flighty, selfish, and frankly, tacky, enough to beg that question is unlikely to [have] come through for you in the first place.

Which is to say that I don't really have answers for you that will explain her wacko meanie behavior. But I do have a couple questions for you: what's with this bizarro relay threesome facilitated by your friend in the first place? Not that "you asked for it," but at some level you did give her some itty bitty license to, um, change the Subject. And yeah, according to the rules of relationship physics, not-necessarily-solids should perhaps not move with such velocity ... but you knew that. As for you, in the face of all this second-guessing and third-hand info, there's nothing really for you to do except move on with your head -- oh, and maybe your guard -- up.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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