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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm married 20 years, the last few unhappily but not quite ready to act, and I live across country from where I grew up. Out of the blue, high school boyfriend (HSBF) and first love(r) whom I hadn't run into for 12 years, called with the 411 that there was a big school reunion and he was supposed to locate a dozen out-of-towners. We caught up on siblings, spouses, kids and laughed our faces off. I was going to be in my hometown a week later so we agreed to have coffee. No biggie, just an old friend.

I made sure I looked amazing (HSBF dumped me when I went away to University and broke my heart) so he should eat his heart out. He picked me up for lunch and I could feel electricity buzzing between us immediately. We talked so easily, like there was no separation. We ordered lunch but neither ate a bite. We walked in the sun on the pier trying NOT to touch by accident in case we jumped each other right there. We spent hours talking, laughing, connecting, went out for dinner, but left the new (old?) scary emotions unspoken. We said goodnight with overwhelming feelings flying between us. He confessed that he was using every ounce of willpower not to kiss me, and I said I wanted him to. It was an out-of-body experience and scared the crap out of me ­ I had no idea I would feel this way about him.

We met twice more on that trip, with increasingly stronger feelings and passionate kisses, completely thunderstruck. We agreed not to phone, but maybe email after we'd had some distance to think. I flew North a TOTAL BASKET CASE, because I thought I was falling in love with him. Stopped eating, got insomnia, lost 12 pounds, cried in the tub every other evening, and had so much nervous energy I could barely sit still. I knew it was crazy, I knew it was logistically difficult, and I decided not to listen to any of that (or my best friend's ADVICE) but to go for it, whatever happened.

We e-mailed, got to know each other again. He was unhappy in his marriage, had always considered me his soulmate and regretted losing me all his life. Tried to find me when his first marriage broke up. We found out we had a million shared interests, laughed like crazy & fell in love in cyberspace. Finally found out why he broke it off all those years ago ­ a preemptive strike as he was sure I would find someone new at school. (Now that I remember, I stopped eating and sleeping, cried for 4 months and lost 10 pounds over that breakup too. Then after 6 months apart, when I was dating someone great, he asked me to come back, but I said no).

He was convinced we were meant to be together & couldn't believe we still felt the same. He was totally pursuing me, and I loved it! I hooked up with a shrink (ADVICE: stay away from HSBF for now) to sort out my jumbled feelings, admitted I no longer loved or respected my husband, sex life dead, nothing in common except the kids, and decided divorce. Took 2 more months in therapy to be sure, and by then HSBF had started his divorce. We were emailing, phoning or writing daily, sending each other love songs, head over heels in love and planning our future, both feeling totally alive for the first time in years.

I next went South 3 months from THUNDERBOLT DAY. HSBF and I saw each other as much as possible but agreed not to be lovers until we were both officially separated. Still, we were crazy in love and incredibly hot for each other. Tons of soulful kissing and a little everything-but.

Long story short (too late!). I got my divorce off the ground and planned a romantic and secret long weekend at HSBF's new solo place. We had 2.5 wonderful days of lovemaking, talking, sleeping in each other's arms, showers together, and then I could feel him withdrawing over the last day. Not reading his signals right, I thought he needed some space to think and after we talked about it in the morning, I let him be for the afternoon. By evening, there was a definite feeling of doom. He said the guilt of breaking up 2 families, the loss of his kids & a bleak financial picture was too much to cope with. Plus, altho' legally separated and living elsewhere, he had an enormous fight with his wife the night before I came because she found out about our weekend (ADVICE: e-mail is never totally deleted). We talked and cried most of the night, but he made it clear that it was over.

I was totally blindsided. He'd said I was the woman for him, we were meant to be together, it was fate, karma, kismet, never any doubt that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives and tho' I knew that was premature, we both wanted to give it our best shot.

I took my battered heart back North, had a 2­week anxiety attack and convinced myself I was: (1) a lousy lover (2) in need of cosmetic surgery (3) a total screw-up (must be something I did or didn't) and (4) never gonna love anyone else. I explained to my family that I was working my way thru a mid-life crisis and cried for 2 months (so far). Took out 20 books on affairs, mid-life and empty nest syndrome from the library so I understand intellectually if not emotionally. My divorce is still going forward -- it was the right decision when HSBF was in the picture, and it still is. Back to a shrink, but a different one ­ too embarrassed to admit I ignored all that ADVICE!!

I'm not angry. I know I am just as responsible, that he wasn't lying about how he felt, it was real. I'm just hurt and puzzled and terribly sad (actually clinically depressed). I don't feel guilty about the affair. If I hadn't followed my heart on this, I would have regretted it 'til my dying day. As Yogi Berra said, it's déjà vu all over again -­ he awakens my sexuality, becomes my soulmate, breaks my heart, I'm not entirely sure why and it hurts like Hell. Stopped eating again, lost another 7 pounds and the insomnia's back with a vengeance. We've talked a few times (I called him) and written once each (he wants his family back) and he's so sorry and miserable and seeing a shrink to sort out HIS midlife stuff. He promised to write when he understands it all better. When we talked last (he called last week) he said there's a part of him that will never let me go, he thinks about me all the time and would talk to me soon. I didn't read too much into that (HONEST) because he has been careful not to give mixed signals.

So here (FINALLY) the questions: How can you know when it's gonna last? Was it fate or a mid-life fling? How do I stop thinking about him everyday? Will the woulda-coulda-shoulda's go away? How do I open my heart once I am single? If it really is a replay and he wants me back later -- how will I know what to do? As Yogi Berra also said: IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL IT'S OVER.

-- Rosalie

Dear Rosalie,

ADVICE: first loves are never totally deleted. Or, as Yogi Berra would not have put it, "nostalgia is what it used to be." I'm not saying you guys were drugged and deluded by some sort of old-yearbook-ink chemical; I'm just saying no wonder this do-over was particularly intense. That's how first/high school loves are when they get rekindled (just ask Nancy Kalish). Not to mention the added extra-curriculars such as the Loveless Marriage Club (members: 2).

All of which is to help you lift yourself, at least a little, off the hook. When situations such as these are so inherently combustible and complicated, there really is truth to "It's Not You." The guilt of breaking up 2 families, the loss of kids, bleak financial picture -- Rosalie, that's plenty of Not You. You could be (1) hot hot hot (2) beautiful (3) capable and (4) full of surplus love and promise, and he might well still have bailed. And understandably so. Better then, in fact, than after a whirlwind marriage only after which would the choking dust of past guilt and furture burden settle on your hope chest.

So just to make sure I've answered your questions: How can you "know?" You can't. Who can? You acted -- judiciously, I might add -- on some pretty solid signs. Best you can do -- and besides, even you say that this one was better loved and lost than not at all. Fate or a mid-life fling? Dunno. Either way, who says? Actually, you. Pick the answer that's most satisfying to you. How to stop thinking about him? Stop Trying to Stop Thinking About Him. Allowing yourself to feel is what allows feelings to fade. How to open your heart? With a balance of wise caution and wild passion ... which is what you just did, so you knew that. Same goes if it's a replay.

"It" may never be totally, totally over. As in gone, forgotten, erased. And thank goodness! We're made of memories. So that doesn't mean you --whatever your size -- can't go ahead and sing.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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