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Dear Breakup Girl

First, let me say that I really like your column. You dispense common-sense advice to the temporarily common-senseless. :-)

My boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago, after 2 1/2 years. We had been having problems for a while and I was not terribly surprised when this happened. Nevertheless, I was (and am) heartbroken. I admit that I was the one who started the problems originally. We were in love, everything was great, and then I decided that he was The One. My mind then worked some bad logic. I decided that if

a) he was The One, and

b) The One had to be a certain way to be The One (i.e., everything I always imagined that The One would be), therefore

c) he had to be a certain way.

I stopped listening when what he said was not what I wanted to hear, because it didn't fit my version of what The One should be/do. I tried, through hope and selective blindness, to see him as I thought he should be, not as the awesome, unique person that he is. I did not accept him for who he was; I tried to accept him for who I wanted him to be.

After he had tried to work on this for about 4 of the last six months, he threw in the towel two weekends ago. For the last two months, I had been the one saying that it could work, but either I did not try hard enough, or we really do have irreconcilable differences, because in the end, we broke up.

Now, I am heartbroken. I miss him a lot. I still love him dearly, and I know that he misses me and still loves me. I have asked him about what he thought about getting back together, and he said that while he can't predict the future, he really believes that it is over. For good. He says that he misses me, but he thinks this is the best thing, that we cannot work out our problems. It has been a fairly pleasant, well-mannered, respectful dignified breakup. No screaming, no threats, no burning of the ex's stuff still in the other's possession. And I don't want to ruin everything by turning into some crazy person. But I keep having this strange recurring thought: I feel convinced that we can work this out. And that we really do belong together. Despite him telling me, calmly and clearly, that we cannot "work it out," because it is over.

Is this just normal grief? The typical reaction of the dumpee? Am I still in shock? Is it just because I can't imagine a life without him? (We are both 22 and this is his first big relationship, my second) I have not told too many people this thought, because I don't want to seem like Wayne's sad girlfriend in the movie Wayne's world (you know, the one who thought he was joking when he would look her in the eye and say, "It is over.") But I feel really convinced about this.

When things were good between us, (before they got screwed up) they were really good, and I feel like we still have a lot of that good foundation to build on. I see the error of my previous behavior, and I think I have grown and changed since then. I hope to continue doing so. I know, however, that being together wouldn't work right now. Not enough water has gone under the bridge. But still I feel very strongly that at some point, we will be together again. Please tell me, is this a normal breakup feeling? Am I just still grieving? Or am I just unable to deal with the unpleasant reality of him saying it is over when I don't want it to be? And if we really are "destined to be together," is this something I should trust will happen on its own? Should I let him make the first move? Or should I try again at some point? Please advise. I feel crazy for being so convinced of all this, but I am still trying to remain a Sane Ex. Thank you for any advice you can give me.

-- Sane Ex

Dear Sane Ex,

Unless there's something you're not telling me -- like that post-breakup, you gave him an anniversary gunrack in a diner -- you, unlike Stacy, are normal. Normal, normal, normal. Sane, sane, sane. At some level/up to a point, you have to consider all the thoughts in your head as one big Breakup Morass. Not plans, not calls to action, not things to do, not truths and facts, just ... This is your brain on breakups. Especially, my dear, when you kind of feel like what went wrong was your bad. You want to fix it. And you can't. Hell's bells.

Probably another thing that's keeping you in this limboey place is this: on the one hand, it's delightful and rare and breath-of-fresh-air that you had such a reasonable, rational, civil breakup. On the other, you had no high-drama effigy-burning brush-ashes-from-hands "Well, that settles that!!!!" moment. The water got neither too hot nor too cold; you're still paddling in circles in lukewarm. The other bad news here -- as far as the chance of reunion goes -- is that experts tend to say that when you leave things hot, even "I hate you!" hot, there's still a spark there. For you two, alas ... not so much. And he's not saying "NO!!! NEVER!!!" in a fiery, Moonlighting/Cheers we're-actually-about-to-kiss sort of way.

So I'm not saying to give up forever -- just, well, for now. Let your heart and brain sort and feel and heal what and where they need to. I mean, I almost hesitate to tell you -- again -- how normal all of this is, because to hear that is, in a sense, boring and disappointing. You think that's what you want to hear, but wouldn't you rather hear "No! Your case is an exception! You two clearly have a norm-defying thing going! And if you go back to him right now, he will take you! Your love was meant to be!" Well, I am truly sorry that I am not going to say that. BUT. As far as the clear, lucid insight you've got into "what went wrong" (in a non-blaming way!) well -- look at my columns! -- that's not normal. You doing way better than you think.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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