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Dear Breakup Girl,

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about two years ago. The reasons behind our breakup were complex: he had left for a year to go to South America and was about to leave again for grad school, I felt (emotionally and physically) estranged and deserted, he seemed to have some major "issues" (mostly having to do with commitment and priorities, or lack thereof), and basically I found that when I was around him I constantly wondered why I had missed him so much while he was gone. When we broke up (it was mostly my choice to do so), he desperately wanted us to remain friends, so we did. Both of us began dating again (other people) eventually. My new/current boyfriend didn't have a problem with my continued friendship with my ex; my ex's girlfriend had a definite problem with me.

After months of listening to the ex complain about how jealous his girlfriend is of me, of being told not to call at certain times because the girlfriend might be over, of cutting a conversation short because the girlfriend started crying when she realized who the ex was talking to, I was asked by the ex (who was asked by the girlfriend) to discontinue my friendship with him. Well, it wasn't exactly presented to me like that; it was more like, "We'll still be friends, I just can't call you, visit you, write you, or E-mail you." He also made the lame argument that, once they were married, she would no longer have any reason to be jealous of other women, and we would thus be allowed to pick up right where we left off. (Need I mention that I was not happy with any of this?)

This was two months ago. I recently received an E-mail from the ex...a very weak E-mail in which he said that he misses me and thinks about me daily and had actually intended to call but didn't because he was afraid it would make things worse and if I would like to E-mail him he'd be happy to hear from me. I dunno...it touched me at first to know that he was even still thinking of me, but as I reread it (and reread it and reread it) it started to seem a bit hollow, and I wondered (again!) why I had ever missed him.

So, Breakup Girl...what's your analysis? Should I write him back? If so, for what purpose? Why ever did he choose his jealous girlfriend over our friendship? Does any of this seem a little odd to you? Why do I miss him so badly?

--Lizzy

Dear Lizzy,

Oooh, I hate that! Hey everyone: if you date someone who can't deal with the fact that you dated other people before you knew they existed, I can practically guarantee you that that will be the least -- or, at least, the first -- of the things they can't deal with. Red freaking flag.

That said, Lizzy, pretty much anything sounds hollow if you read it1,000,000 times. The same way that words start to look funny if you stare at them. So don't bother with a close textual analysis; just decide what you want. And let me give you some hints about what that might be. What sort of a "friendship" do you have with this guy anyway? One you can ostensibly restart at his wedding (as if)? Whee! One with a guy who would let a girlfriend lay down that kind of law? Whee! Why do you miss him? Because it feels like Crying Girl -- as opposed to all the other really legit reasons to be apart -- is all that's standing between you. Which is really, really galling.

So if you want to write him nicely back, well, that would certainly be respectful and polite. But to pursue some sort of weird "friendship" on the sly might be a bit ... hollow -- unlike, I'm hoping, the rich and full and ample memories of your relationship that you have, tightly packed, in the permanent storage area of your brain. So ultimately, maybe you should just be "touched" -- which is lovely -- and leave it at that.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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